Christmas Revelations...

This is what I was working on before my rant yesterday.
~

So here I am again.

A new Semester, and yet another new experience. Today I had my second class.. Well, technically it's my third, I completed European Reformations in 9 days... that was intense. 

I was thinking today about a general revelation I had over Christmas break. 

Dating. 

Yeah, for those of you that keep up, the day after my birthday I wrote something about the purity rings I have had in the past 4 years. Well, I am going to tell a little story about something my mom told me when I was 13. She said she say me marrying a certain type of guy (that I will not mention on here due to the questioning I shall get). Well with where I was at that time, I was thinking something also the lines of "yeah right, you're insane, you are so wrong," You know when you are 13 and think you know everything (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)????

Well...now I have aged in wisdom (and in general). I have a certain...maturity that I didn't have when I was a new teen. I asked my mother if she remembered that conversation, and she said yes. I looked at her and said that now that I am to the point where most of my friends are getting into serious relationships and getting engaged ect, the qualities of the guy I am praying for are... exactly what she said when I was 13. 

She laughed at me in the mom way of saying "I told you so". 

So anyways, I was out walking at around 2 am during the snow storm that we had on December 19th because I was up and felt like it, and then it just hit me how far I have come in the past 5 years.

Anyone who knew the surface, cannot see the difference. 

But I know.

I think in my life, I've only had 1 thing that could even be considered a crush. Because I was trying to hide from another guy, and pretend about that. It didn't work... We'll leave it at that. 

So I have no good experience myself in the relationship department. 

But I have been watching my best friend, (who celebrated her 6th month of courting a week ago) and her boyfriend. 

I want the kind of relationship they have. Whenever I see them together, I can just tell. It's one instances of having two people how want to serve God and glorify him in everything they do, apart and as a couple. They just seem to work better together then apart. They accomplish more, and though apart they are two, together they are one. 

Then, I began thinking of the other relationship, that I mentioned above. I have only recently recovered from that relationship. It's been wonderful living again... I have my life back. I was walking in snow relishing them falling on my eyelashes, and singing again... at 2 am in the morning. 

Then I was thinking (I did a lot of thinking) about 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant ⁵or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; ⁶it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.⁷ Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. ⁸Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.

It was refreshing. I was thinking about how I am so ready for someone to love me like this. God already does. I know I want to love like this. Then I began thinking about Proverbs 31. I won't give you the whole passage but here is a bit.  (31:10-12)

¹⁰ An excellent wife who can find? 

She is far more precious than jewels. 

¹¹The heart of her husband trusts in her, 

and he will have no lack of gain. ¹²She does him good, and not harm

 all the days of her life.

The passage goes on the describe an ideal woman of God... 


Then it hit me. Have you ever had the experience that in your thoughts, you are running ahead and everything is fine, and then you hit a brick wall? Yeah, that's what I did. 


I don't want to get into a relationship right now. Actually Let me rephrase that. I do. But I can't. Why? Read the passage again. 


I am not any of those things. Let me give this to you straight. This love is REAL. Straight up, honest, real Love. Love that would serve, and humble it's-self, and die for another... even an enemy. Love that cares more deeply for another no matter what, even when the person is an utter pain in the rear. It's the Love God exhibits for us Every Day. This kind of woman is rare. This is back when Men were called to be Chivalrous and Women were called to be Noble. She brings glory to her husband. 


I can't give that yet. I'm not ready. I have now reached the age that I realized that I really know nothing. And I am really immature in this area. Actually in general. Nothing against the people who love Spongebob and footie Pjs. I do too. But in my attitude... Oh my life... it's rather sad. I had only recently come to the realization that I needed to respect my parents more... now this... 


To top all of this off, I am still so wrapped up in everything I want to do that even if I met someone I highly doubt I would be willing to give up my dreams for. And personally I'm not looking for a boyfriend just so that I can "be normal" as one of my friends so... 'eloquently' put it. 


I want to get it right on the first try. Even though it means I have to wait a while. I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I'm most certainly not planning on jumping into anything anytime soon. God has a lot of work to do in me. And I plan on waiting until He shows me I am finished. I don't expect to be 'done' for years. 


I mean really. I'm 18 years old. God has already given me more experiences and opportunities then most.  I have a stellar family, I go to an amazing school, and I have met some amazing God-fearing people who  draw me closer to Him every day. I have all I need. An awesome God, and people he has placed in my life to make me even better... they already have... I would list them... but I honestly would need a whole other blog just to describe how wonderful they are. :) 


Back to my epiphany. It was actually really funny. Here I am standing in the snow, praying about the conversation I had with my mother, and God goes "Guess what? Your not ready!!!!!" 


I hope none of my neighbors were outside and could hear me laughing... I had to lie down in the snow (I had now reached the point where everything was hysterically funny). 


Again. Irony... I need to write another post on Delicious Irony... 


Well I think I've exhausted my supply of what I have to say for tonight, so... goodnight for now.


Katydid out

Venting.

Yes tonight I am going to be one of those angry bloggers.


Wondering why? Well, I'm just rather frustrated with God and life.


I found out that my friend, who I thought I was making a difference in (he's not a Christian) de-friended me on facebook. Yeah it's kinda mindless, but I was so upset. Here is a friend who I treat like family, who doesn't believe the same as I do, and I thought that I was ministering to him, and setting a good example...
So. frustrating.


Honestly, I think the part that upsets me the most is I don't know why. I can't help thinking that maybe it was a mistake on my part. Maybe I wasn't going about it the right way... Maybe it was the distance...


*sigh* I don't know...


And the other main thing.


I found out that a young mother of 2 daughters died.


I didn't know her, but my family does.


My heart breaks, I can't imagine losing my mother... and I've had over 18 years...


And at this point, I'm asking why. And so I am writing getting my feelings out. I had a post that I was working on earlier, but I won't post it until later.


I want some answers God. And I know I'm not going to get them but I still want them.


I hate the fact that I struggle with this all of the time. I always want to fix everything. And the issue is I wish I had the answer  but I don't. I wish I knew what was going on and I don't.


Be glad I'm not God. Because I am WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too impatient. I can't imagine being Him.


The reality of that just hit me.


God sees people die all the time.
People he knows intimately, people who rejected him. People he loves, and that He sent His son to die for. And they die not knowing Him.


Besides that he watches people who claim to carry his name destroy it everyday. People like me. I don't even want to think about how often I mar the name of Christ. I drag it through the dirt and make it as foul as I used to be...




Well this was unsuccessful, all I did was give myself more to think about.
Maybe I'll have more insight after devotions later...


Katydid out.

What a promise....

The Promises of God are astounding.

Whenever I see a rainbow, I think of Promises.

Yeah this is pretty cliché but rainbows make me think of Noah and the ark. The rainbow was used as a promise.

So here I am thinking again... this is becoming common. I like it... back to the story.

 Well, I have part of a broken chandelier in my  window, and I was taking pictures the other day and I thought about what I was looking at. My bit of crystal is chipped battered and dirty. Yet when the light shines through it send shimmers of light everywhere.

The reality of it hit me. That without the light shining through, we have nothing to show for it.

With that light, we are as beautiful as a diamond. But the message we send is even more beautiful. Because it is from and of Someone even greater then we could every figure out.

Katydid out

Jesus I think you for Brokenness, change and trials.... wait...

Haha, So two posts in one day... Feel blessed internet. the only reason is I have no homework this weekend. So instead of wasting time on facebook, I am blogging. Oh boy...

Long story short. Today was eventful. 2010 has thrown some things my way that I never expected. Or, I should say, I sort of wished wouldn't happen.

For lack of a better way of putting it, I was reduced to my knees today as I realized that every plan we have, every idea, every inkling we even dream about what we think is going to be could be wrong.

I realized that everything I think I know, (and I even mentioned this earlier today ((oh the Irony))) is nothing.

Rev 3:7 And to the angel of the church in Philadelphia write: 'The words of the holy one, the true one, who has the key of David, who opens and no one will shut, who shuts and no one opens.

I'll admit it, I hate change. Well that's not true. I hate change when it seems like everything is going perfectly well, and then you hit a brick wall.

I don't care what anyone says, remove someone who has made an impact on your life, someone in that circle you have, and the whole group is no longer the same.

Personally I will never understand what God is saying when He shuts a door. Hindsight my be 20/20, but I look back now, and all I want to do is kick myself. can I understand God through any of this????

No. And I don't really want to. I know that I have to say thank you for my brokenness, because it led me to where I stand now, change, because without it, we can never realize what we have... or something that could be even better, and trials, because they bring the two others together.

This is going to be my hardest adventure to date. I realize that. But thankfully, I have some of the best people to spend it with for the next four months.

Things may never be the same... but just as C.S. Lewis/Aslan so wisely said... "things never happen the same way twice."

Katydid out.

Oh How I love sarcasm...

Oohhh..... this is the most I have posted consecutively in a long time... *applause* ha-ha, kidding.

Honestly, I have gotten into a lot of trouble about my sarcastic writing style. I have been working on disguising it... but I fail. A lot. But every time I make a promise to myself that I shall work on it... I just love it...
Yeah, it's a bad habit, (it's my quirk) and for some reason, I cannot seem to be rid of it in my writing. I will write something and then look at it and realize the whole thing is sarcastic. Oops. What's funny is I have been pulled aside by teachers who have made the dreadful mistake of making me write journals. I am very... verbal... especially on paper. But all of my journal entries are... sarcastic. Utter, dripping, cynical, sarcasm. My science teacher hated it. My English teacher would laugh at me. And this last semester a professor enjoyed my "sarcastic flair" as he put it. My research writing teacher beat it out of my papers though.

So what does sarcasm have to do with today's thoughts?

It's simply a thought about what I read in Devotions today. I was reading Revelation (2) I started going through it section by section (it's WAAAAAAAAYYYYY too intense for chapter by chapter I tried that already.) and ended up reading about the 7 Churches Angels.

This is what jumped out at me:

Rev 2:1- To the angel of the church in Ephesus write: 'The words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand,who walks among the seven golden lampstands.

Rev 2:8 "And to the angel of the church in Smyrna write: 'The words of the first and the last, who died and came to life.

Rev 2:12 To the angel of the church in Pergamum write: 'The words of him who has the sharp two-edged sword.

Rev 2:18 To the angel of the church in Thyatira write: 'The words of the Son of God, who has eyes like a flame of fire, and whose feet are like burnished bronze.

Rev 3:1 And to the angel of the church in Sardis write: 'The words of him who has the seven spirits of God and the seven stars.

Rev 3:7 And to the angel of the church in Philadelphia write: 'The words of the holy one, the true one, who has the key of David, who opens and no one will shut, who shuts and no one opens.

Rev 3:14 And to the angel of the church in Laodicea write: 'The words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the beginning of God’s creation.

~~~~~

Maybe you are smarter then me, my dear reader. Because for all of my intelligence, I have read this wrong for quite a long time. You may realize who is being described in each verse.

Ha-ha, not me!!!!

In the past I have always thought that the Churches Angels were being describe in the first verses. Maybe that is silly but I simply couldn't understand who else could do all that.

This morning I was floored with the realization that my sarcasm has hurt me more then I realized. How so? Well, this passage describes the word of God. The One who holds stars in his hands, the true and faithful witness, I could go on for hours. His word is pure and untainted.

Now look at the Definition of sarcasm

Sarcasm-

–noun


1. harsh or bitter derision or irony.
2. a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark: a review full of sarcasms.
Origin:
1570–80; <>sarcasmus <>sarkasmós, deriv. of sarkázein to rend (flesh), sneer; see sarco-

Synonyms:
1. sardonicism, bitterness, ridicule. See irony 1 . 2. jeer.
Not very nice. And this comes out in most of my personality. I look at this definition and I see something that puts me to shame.

As much as God loves Irony, I highly doubt he loves sarcasm. What do you think?

Katydid out.

God is ever faithful, even when we are not.

So I was thinking last night about the devastation in Haiti. This is when memories of my old job come back very clearly. I remember when I found out where I was going to school. I was in a kick about N. Ireland, very excited, and one of my regular customers (a middle aged catholic we had plenty of interesting conversations), asked me a question.

"why is everyone going overseas, and no-one is here doing anything?"

To which I responded, "It's not that no one here is doing anything, it's just that we don't really recognize how much we are doing. We are not really encouraged to reach out beyond our own fence here. It's too hard to live in this culture were everything is handed to us on a sliver platter, and it's so much easier to leave and realize what we do have..."

I was thinking about that statement. We are so BLESSED to live in the country we do. We are near the top (if not the top) for an overabundance of wealth. And yes we have issues, and we make mistakes, but we are no different then any other country that was at large in it's day (just look through history). What I am so disappointed about is, while we read books that we don't really need, sit in out $300,000+ houses, drive our $10,000 cars... and complain about giving to a charity. it's breaks my heart.

Meanwhile, Haiti is the poorest country in the western hemisphere, and it is falling apart at the seams. they have NOTHING. But yet it took an earthquake for us to realize there is a country in our own backyard that has needed help for ages.

But when these things hit, we ask Why God?

or the all time favorite IT'S NOT FAIR

September 11 2001, Katrina, this earth quake, how many more hints do we need?

My housemate Kristen said it best.

"God is trying to get our attention. He wants us in Haiti. But we haven't been getting the hints so He sends and earthquake. He wants us there, and he is going to do whatever he can to get us there."

God will accomplish whatever He wants with or without us. He knows what is going on. He is giving us as Christians, as a nation to reach out beyond ourselves and our comfort zones to do something. He plans to do something amazing. Our God is always faithful, loving, wonderful, and He is all powerful.

We are not.

And that is really all we need to remember. He is faithful, always working all things together for GOOD.

And we are not. and we CANNOT.

Katydid out.

Jet-lagged sense???

Oh, boy I am tired.

It's times like this when I regret realizing that the time zone I have currently been in means I've been awake for 22 hours straight now. Ick. However, it's in some of these times that I think God makes Himself very clear to me... but as soon as I get over that half zombie stupor... I forget. Yeah, I may not be making sense, but it's been a long day...

What I mean by this, is while I have been attempting to get my poor body back on track, i've been laying in my bed thinking. About yellow tomatoes. Stay with me and I'll explain why. My New Years resolution was to cook a lot more (I mean, I'm in college and I don't live in a dorm and I have a kitchen, so for heaven sakes I should use it right????) and I was looking at how to make gazpacho. one recipes called for yellow tomatoes. Now Yellow tomatoes are wicked expensive and very hard to find. So I was sitting there getting all upset about the fact that I don't think I can make this recipe.

Then my exhaustion helped my mind to walk away from the food I was thinking about and began to wonder about the difference between yellow and red, how are they formed, tastes, ect? so I looked it up. Turns out you can get purple and green tomatoes too... but back on topic, the main difference between a red tomato and a yellow tomato is the acid content. In other words, they have less of a chance of harming people who have sensitive stomachs. The less acid the sweeter the tomato.

Once again I ask you to just please read, even as I type this I know that my mind is not exactly sane, and I am spell checking this pretty much every other word (I am almost gone here) So I read that, and realized how much Yellow tomatoes are like Christians.

Yes, I said that. We are called to be a different colour, so to speak, to be different. We also have to have a different temperament so that our faith is easier for others to see and grasp, or stomach so to speak. A sweetness to ourselves...

Okay if this doesn't make sense to you, I apologize, but to me, this is one of my more intelligent moments. I just felt like telling the blogging void on internet that there can be profound thoughts about anything. Even tomatoes....

Katydid out.

Prayer...

This is a journal entry I just finished. I think it pretty much says it all.

Dear Jesus,

Thank you, just... thank you. I am working onto my last days before I go home. This semester has been... more then I imagined, more then I could ever have seen. It's been proof of your intimate love for me, even though I have nothing to offer. It's been one of the best few months of my life. It hasn't been easy, but you have carried me through it all. I have enjoyed falling more in love with you.

I long for home, and as much as I love college, I long for the days to be done with the rigmarole of school. So that I can serve you. Thank you for giving me back my passions. My excitement. My hope. My heart has been so lost since last August. You know why.

I thank you for giving me eagles wings. For saving me, from others... and myself. For your promise that something will be done in my days that is so unbelievable that I can't even see it right now.

In your wonderful name,

Amen.

The Scriptures are Isaiah 40:27-31 and Habakkuk 1:5 for the full reference.

Katydid out.

Changes, Changes.

Changes... they are in the air. they are in the mix... hm. as the leaves change, so do I once more.

I've look back at what has happened to me around this time every year... and every Fall has been different.

This is my favorite change so far. :)

Here I am, on the West Coast, meeting some of the most amazing people I have ever met, and enjoying life more then I thought possible.

I have healed. Finally. after over a year of becoming something I'm not... I'm safe in the Hands of my Creator.

Actually... I always was... I'm just realizing it now.

And for the first time in a while, I am praying more for God's will then my own wants and meaning it.

Oh, the glorious difference that makes!!!!!! I encourage you to get to that point in your relationship with Christ. To that point of trust.

And if you don't... well, you know, all you'll miss out on is: comfort, peace, joy, strength, and other spiritual gifts. and yes. Fully trusting God does come with all of that.

Trust is not a blind leap. It's saying that you believe in the promises He made, and realize that your life in His hands is greater then your life in your hands.

In 3 days I will have been here 3 months. Wow. God is so good! I can't even go into the list of things I have been given the opportunity to do, discover, and learn.

I have also been given the courage to do things I normally wouldn't do. Like being even more sarcastic on the internet. ;P actually... never mind I've been doing that for ages.

For your questions in that area, you will have to wait until you see me, and be careful, because you may not recognize me.

That is all I shall say for now. :)

Katydid Out.

TWLOHA...

So... Friday is To Write Love on Her Arms Day... Yeah...

Part of me is really just... hm. Thinking about a comment I read earlier. I really think people that are negative about things should just stop trying to make others fall... I wonder why we do that to each other.

So anyway this guy was writing on the site something line of rubbish about how writing "Love" on your arms does squat (not his exact words).

I got rather angry about it. It's funny. normally I'm not a big fan of this group, not that I have anything against them or the cause, it's just the people who are die hard this one day of the year, and then don't do anything about it the rest of the year.

I've been challenged in this view by a guy I respect, and I fully agree with how he put this question to me. I can't remember how he worded it exactly so I shall not post it.

Let me make this clear. If you honestly do care, rep this more then just November 13th. okay?

I usually do it once every few months, outside of the group. Only I will write verses, about love, instead of just love.

So this is the comment I almost posted if I had the courage. But I don't, and I let other people face that fight. I'll be a total chicken and write it on my blog :p

To ...

I felt the same way... until my life was changed. 3 years ago, I hit rock bottom, my whole world crashed. It came down to a decision... I still don't regret my choice. You don't have to actually cut yourself then recover... sometimes we are blessed enough to realize before hand what it boils down too. THIS MAY NOT DO A THING... but it may change everything. Yeah, when you are depressed, people writing "love" on their arms may be the last thing you want to read. BUT.... if the right person does it, it can change everything. If SOMEONE had done this when I was going through this... Maybe I wouldn't have gotten to the point I got to. I do know this. There are people out there who do not know that this cause exists. They need hope. They need help. And if they see Love on your wrists (where I place it every year) They usually ask why. (esp if it is in neon colours ((just a suggestion))). Besides, is it really inconvenient to us to write 4 letters on our arms? This is not a risk...you will not be injured if you do it or not. On the other hand, are you willing to risk your rep to try and beat the numbers?

I ask you the same thing...

Are you willing to risk it? You never know who is falling down behind the mask.

It could even be someone like me... who hid it from everyone.

Well? What are you going to do?

Katydid out.

It's been over a month... whoops... and the Subject of things...

Welcome to... the exciting life of a freshman of MBI. WHOOO!

not really. Well, in a way...

Okay, I have to admit, there have been a lot of life lessons that have been learned since my last... couple posts... and I just feel like God is giving me an awareness for things. Then I realized that I only have 5 weeks of my fall semester left. OHMYLIFE WHERE DID IT GO????

I promise you, time goes faster as you get older. It only seems like... a few days ago that I first got out here. and it's been... 2 months, and 16 days... or 11 weeks... 77 days...hold on...I'm going to attempt to do some math... uh... 24x77... around... 1848 hours or...110880 ish minutes... and about 6652800 seconds. at least. give or take a few hours...

I did the last 3 with the help of my phone. I am not ashamed.

I love school... which is surprising. I keep seeing all over my facebook all of these people who went home for fall break, and I am just like... I don't really want to leave... uhm... yeah...

I have to admit I am rather sad about my last first semester being over halfway over. Even though it's been quite a ride... and rather crazy at some times, I wouldn't trade it in for anything.

So, on to my random topic of today, I generally have no respect for any of my professors who give me midterms. By the way this is technically my second year of college. Because I was home-schooled we decided we'd so college and Sr. Year... AT THE SAME TIME... oooohhh...okay, enough with my fake sarcasm. So I get into my Church and it's Doctrines midterm two weeks ago at 7.45 am. Joy. Enthusiasm... ect. and I have been pretty much studying really hard for the thing, and then I find out... it's not short answer like I thought... it's multiple guess-er- choice. that made my morning.

I got an 85!! Whoo! really exciting, and I have been getting A's on my papers I've handed in... so all is well. :)

So in other news...

I have to admit that I really am enjoying selecting teachers that challenges me. I recently signed up for classes and had to choose between a professor where I knew I would get an A no matter what I put, and then an unknown professor who will probably make me work for it.

I decided to give myself the new professor, because I don't really appreciate it when I get an A I don't really deserve. I don't really understand the whole thing behind the easy way out. I have never gotten it. and I like working hard.

I don't know I'd just rather risk failing then getting something I don't deserve. God has already given me more then I could ever want or need... I work for the A. :)

well that's all of my random posting for today. Have a good week everyone, I have no idea when I'll be back!

~Katydid Out.

Something old, something new...

Well I wrote this a while ago, and so for here it's old, but for me putting up something I've written myself is new for this so... I have it, we can deal with it, comments are appreciated... yeah. It's a promise and a reminder.

Wherever you go, always know I am here, 

When ever you fall always know I will pick you up

No matter how far you stray I will come after you and find you,

No matter what you've done I will always love you

If you are ever in danger I will rescue you

If you are ever sick I will take care of you

When your heart is broken I will comfort you

When you cannot go on, I will carry you through

When you feel invisible remember I can always see you

When you feel like no one cares remember you are never alone.

You mean everything to me and I love you

I gave my life for you because I love you

And only I alone can keep these promises

The world will fade, the time will pass.

But I am always...

No matter what.

Katydid out. 

Jesus Bring the Rain...

I've been here 1 month today! WOW! that's hard to believe! But today something really awesome happened...

it rained. Yep, you heard me.

I love it. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE rain. I woke up this morning in a rather... hmm... unpleasant state, and looked out the window and was very excited. Rain. It made my day so much better.

Yes I am an walking oxymoron, most people don't look at rain and think "oh now I know today will be great!" most people look at rain and think something along the lines of "whine, grumble, sigh, grumble, alsdjgalkdjfh (translate that yourself, I don't even know what it means), now I have to walk to school in the rain, ugh I'm so depressed ect, ect, ect." 

What about you? I know I am kind of a rare case when it come to rain. As I said before I love it. 

There is just something about standing or walking in the rain with your eyes closed (I tripped over a speed-bump this morning so I don't actually recommend walking with your eyes closed). I feel...peaceful. Or serene. I don't know how to describe it. It's beautiful. 

I wish the rain had lasted longer so I could have sat on my porch and watched and listened. Ah, it's glorious. It has such a wonderful sound and smell and feel. I love the feeling of rain on my skin. 

I want more then anything right now to feel God's presence. I felt a little grasp of it this morning. in a thing as simple as rain. Imagine that. I've been running about feeling restless, and all I needed was the rain. 

Hmm. How does God do that? I have said this so much in the past month and I will say it again. I am SO grateful that God is in control. Because I would have ruined my life more then I already have. It's such a wonderful feeling knowing that my focus is on the right things. Trials may come, but I am still His. And rain or shine, that is what matters.

Katydid out. 

Beautiful Lumps of Coal 2

So I hope you've read my last post, if not, oh well.

I have been realizing that I have been holding on to a rather large lump of coal for a while now. I've broken off bits and pieces to give to God, but I still have this massive lump, this awful hurt inside. I was challenged to get rid of it Friday night. 

I didn't realize how much I wanted to until Friday night around 11.30 pm. I sat down by a river at this camp we were at a retreat for, and leaned against this post, and cried. I needed to let go. But for some reason I haven't done it. For about a year now I have carried this stupid black ugly thing around getting myself filthy, and even hurting people around me. 

My heart still aches. I could have been rid of it a long time ago. 

So I am sitting there, crying out to God about this friendship I have that is utterly failed. For some reason I felt like I needed to continue to talk to this person. My head screamed at me that it was stupid, and I shouldn't even look back. Cutting myself off completely was -is- the smartest choice. My heart said no, let them know that you are moving on and forgiving. 

God brought this song to my mind, it's by Rob Thomas and it's from the movie Meet the Robinsons. 

Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder, don't you know the hardest part is over...

I looked up at that point, and realized I was sitting, not against a post, but a rough wooden cross. 

Delicious Irony.  God loves it, I swear. I realized that I am just causing myself pain.

Then this song popped into my head. The line I started with last time. 

When coal is put under a lot of pressure, heat and is given time... it creates a diamond. I realized I had been chipping off little bits, giving them to God and being happy with tiny diamonds. God wanted to give me more, but I was happy with my dirty lump of coal. That's not what he wants for us. He was to hand us this massive Diamond and say "this is for you because I love you. This is what happens when you give me your burden. Beauty from pain."

As I realized that, I could almost feel him gently removing my fingers from my dirty lump of coal. I let it go. I don't want an ugly lump of coal anymore. I want something beautiful. I want God to take it and fix it up. Fix me up. Refine me...

Now comes the pressure and heat...and the waiting.  I'm not sure how long it will take, but I know God is just going to hand me back something more beautiful then what I gave him. It's a rags to riches kind of thing. I just have to be patient. I have to let God be in control. 

Here's the hard part. 

For some STUPID reason, I want the coal back. I know I am going to get something better. But God has it now. I am going to get something perfect and beautiful. And soon I will have a new lump of coal. I know that. I'm not stupid enough to think that I will only get one every so often. 

But, this time I know what to do with it. 

Katydid out. 

Beautiful Lumps of Coal 1

"we're all dealt our Lumps of Coal, What you do with it can turn beautiful." 

That above statement is from the song Nice Naïve and Beautiful. The Artist is Plumb, the entire album is good, I also recommend Candycoatedwaterdrops. 

Enough with the sales pitch. I really really love this song, and I will post the entire thing at the end. I really have been thinking a lot since my last posts. 

So anyway, I just got back from the student retreat. I was not expecting what happened. We were completely challenged in our faith. I was in tears usually by the end of every session. 

ONe of the things was dealing with Hurt, and this song popped into my head. it's late here so I don't really have much to say, but I think this is pretty thought provoking. 

She's only known heartache and pain

But she's never known pain like this

She stands alone defending her name

When all that she's done is be who she is

Well is it so wrong to be who we are

When all she's done is fail

Cause she's so nice, naïve and beautiful

Why does she get taken advantage

Why does she live in a world so cold

She takes advantage of the nice, naïve and the beautiful

Cold is the throne of her hardened heart

No one has seen the softest part

Day after night she holds an ache

And won't budge to show this secret place

Well is it so wrong to hang on to hurt

Maybe she could set it free

Cause she's so nice, naïve and beautiful

Why did she get taken for granted

Why did she live in a world so cold

He took advantage of the nice, naïve and the beautiful

If you've been there you know

If you're still there hang on

We're all dealt our lumps of coal

What you do with it can turn beautiful

Well there's a life outside of this madness

And there's a face behind every scar

But there's a love overflowing with gladness

Get out of that place that's restraining your love

I said get out of that place

that's restraining your love

The Bridge is the really important part. Just mill over that a bit. I'll post part two Monday

Katydid out

A New List

I'm not going to mince words, or tell you the entire story behind this list. Just read it. This is just somethings I wish I could say, but don't know how too. this is not all one person by the way...

THANK YOU...

A- For everything you've done, the hope the prayers the gifts, the laughter... How I wish you could share this with me. ~For the many private jokes and crazy looks and stupid stuff we will never regret doing. ~For teaching me how to love an "unlovable" ~For always considering me ~For being exactly where God wanted you and telling me what I needed to hear. ~ For caring and being there when I need you.

B- For showing me that every relationship is worth working hard for ~For the promise

C- For laughter, love, stupid midnight chats about dumb stuff that we never truly ever remember in the morning. ~for showing me what it is to work hard, and want something ~for giving me a chance to be in your life ~For letting me spout "Christianese"at you.  ~for just being you ~ For your smile

D- For teaching me about true friendship, and how it's a two way street, about forgiveness, and the healing power it brings. ~for telling me the truth ~for not letting me get away with lying to myself

E- For everything you have forgiven, and for the constant grace you have shown me.

G- for knowing when something was wrong

H- For never believing me when I said I was "Fine" for always listening ~for showing me your mask so I had the courage to take mine off. ~for made-up words

I- for goofy things that only you and I would get, and for being who you are no matter what anyone says. 

J-for teaching me how to live on the edge ~for pressuring me, so that someday I could stand on my own. 

K- For showing me how to love in spite of your own trials. ~for listening ~ For your bright smile and hugs when I needed them ~for being a prayerful, honest, but blunt friend. ~for dealing with my tears. 

L- For your laughter and honesty. ~for your humble gentle spirit ~for apologizing

M- For teaching me how to grow up, and how to chase after what I wanted. ~for showing me how to love unconditionally. ~for showing me the dangers of wanting the wrong thing for my life

N- for the old days. I'll never forget them.

O- For teaching me how to be me. 

P- for being you, and teaching me humbleness, and joy, and odd contests. 

R- For asking.

S- for everything. I can't even go into what you have done for me ~for teaching my that friendship and forgiveness are inseparable. ~for being there when I needed you

T- For teaching me that love is different, and not something to be thrown around, and it truly is a verb ~for getting me out of my comfort zone ~for your little wisdom, and your charming bright smile. ~ For teaching me that I have the best family I could ever ask for, and for telling me more then what I wanted as an answer to my question. ~for the lesson that what God wills is more important then what I want. ~for giving me the chance to prove that doing the right thing pays off, even if it hurts you for a time. 

V- For listening. 

W- For telling me the truth, even when I wouldn't listen. ~ For Showing me that true life isn't worth anything unless you have Christ, and that if you really want to live, and if you really want to make the most out of it, you have to give it all up. 

I guess that is all for me to say...

Katydid out

Serenity, Courage... and Wisdom.

So I will admit to you that I have been major distracted.

I have this feeling that God is showing me more then what I am looking at. I don't really understand. 

Part of me is crying out because of this feeling, I can't shake it, and I don't understand why I even feel this way. And I know my heart is still being refined, but it's not my place to worry about it. I know that. So why doesn't that make me feel better? 

I have this little prayer by my Laptop. It's in a little frame, and it's labeled Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change. COURAGE to change the things I can, and WISDOM to know the difference. 

Right now I will take any of the three. Serenity would be nice though. For those of you [like me] who have no idea what the flip Serenity means it means calm and peaceful (thank God for Webster). Right now I would be grateful for that. 

Courage: I know that I don't have enough and you hear this statement all of the time, but courage doesn't mean that you waltz into war and are unafraid. 

Mark Twain (who is BRILLIANT by the way) explained courage as follows: Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.

Wisdom: The bible says in Proverbs that wisdom is a jewel, a treasure. Right now I would dearly love to get my hands on some. 

So where does that leave me? As a matter of fact, where does that leave all of us? Based on my experience, I am never going though anything alone. I am not the first to experience this feeling of... doubt, a slight fear... just lack of confidence. It's not even the first time I have ever felt this way...

But it's the first time I have felt God saying to me.  "Hey, this isn't your burden. You gave all that to me a while ago remember?" 

So I repeat my above question; Why don't I feel better? I have NOTHING to fear. God has it all in control... 

So why do I feel like my mask is coming back? 

Hmm. Maybe I'm thinking too hard. 

I'll keep ya'll posted when I figure it out. 

Katydid out. 

The Road Goes Ever On and On....

Hey All! It's been a while...

I have been so blessed since my last blog post. People have been becoming parts of my life that I can't even understand. My best friend and I have now known each other for 18 years and 1 day. :) I love her so much. Someone I met on my missions trip has changed most of my perspective of myself, and my housemates are an awesome blessing in and of themselves. 

However evident God's grace is, I've still been struggling with some things the past few weeks and thought about writing a blog post, but never got around to it. I plan to because once my homework gets in  full swing, I shall not have time to write. Anyway, even with all that is currently going on in my life, I really have been trying to refocus. I don't feel like displaying my entire history all over the internet, so I won't go into details but I really should have been writing more then I have been for my own feelings sake. 

Right now I have to admit (and I thought about it last night for a while, too) but I am trying to find out what God wants for me. Kinda silly I know. I just have been really wondering. I mean here I am 2500 miles away from home, and I am at my first choice of college and so confused.  Before I came out here I had all of these goals, and some of them have been twisted and a couple blew up in my face. This has been happening since the car accident, and I have now decided to coin the phrase as "Delicious Irony" but I am getting rather sick of it. God seems to like scattering my life with it. Oh well, it keeps it interesting. I guess. 

I just reread that and realized that what I really need to do is focus. Not on my stupid goals, or whatever I thought I was going to do here,  I just need to remember that I have a purpose here and that main purpose is to fall more in love with my Father. Not to figure out my whole life. The path I am on currently is the right one, and I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt. And for heaven's sake I'm 18 years old! Do I honestly NEED to know EXACTLY where my life is going?????

I didn't think so either.

The verse for Jeremiah 29:11 keeps coming to mind; 

"For I know the Plans I have for you," Says the Lord "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

But wait there's more!

~Jeremiah 29:12-13

"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart."

~Psalms 33:11

But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.

~Proverbs 16:3

Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.

And the list goes on, and on and on. So in other words no matter what I plan, it's not my place to worry about. I have to seek God and commit myself to him. If only that was as easy as sitting here saying so. Hmm. 

Well I hope I've given you something to think about as well. 

Katydid out. 

Vacation/Missions Trip/College...o my life...

So I haven't written in...over a week... yeah...

Anyway, I have been packing. Because my July is over on Saturday. Then I have VBS/setup/takedown , then I work for two days (and go to the Eye Doctor *sob+cringe*) then the 23rd which is my last day of official packing, we will be leaving for a family weekend at Messiah College! :) then we get back the 26, and the next morning, I will be at the airport in Newark NJ meeting my team for N. Ireland. I will be back the 10th of August, then my (wonderful) brother and a few good friends are taking me (well, I'm driving, but my brother's paying ((hence the wonderful)) :) ) to Hershey Park, then the 14th is my graduation/welcome-back-from-N.-Ireland-show-me-pictures-now/awk-your-going-to-college-monday-goodbye party. Then I leave the 17th (at 3 in the Morning ((no sleep for me!!!!!)) and will see my college for the first time. :) 

Hopefully I will have my sanity, since I will be a jet lagged mess for that last week. Nut I am so grateful for how blessed I am to be able to go on a vacation, then a missions trip then COLLEGE! Especially since I am going to my first choice; Moody Bible Institute-Spokane. :) I actually didn't think I'd get in at all. 

So, I was reading a verse my leader gave me last year, and I think it's very appropriate for my situation, because last year I didn't see myself where I am right now. 

Habakkuk 1:3 

"Look at the nations and WATCH and be utterly AMAZED-

for I am going to do something in your days, that you would not believe, even if you were told."

Katydid out