What if's???

So I've really been thinking about God's will a lot lately. 

It's a slightly touchy subject when you think about it. 

“If  we seek first God's kingdom and righteousness, which is the will of God for our lives, then whatever choices we make concerning the future become the freewill of God for our lives. There are many pathways we could follow, many options we could pursue. As long as we are seeking God all of them can be God's will for our lives, although only one-the path we choose- actually become his will”

This quote is from The Will of God as a Way of Life (Sittser 34-35) And honestly it has caused quite a fuss. 

Before I begin my explanation. Remember, this is what I believe. This is my opinion. Feel free to ask me about it anytime. Feel free (if you have biblical reasoning behind you) to prove me wrong. 

Second, I am only 18. I don't have much experience, and I don't know everything. this is drawing from my experience I have chalked up so far. 

Okay we clear on that? Good. 

Now... First of all I don't fully agree with this statement. I want to ask the author about what he meant, but I personally don't believe it. 

It seems like God almost lets us choose His will for us, which is the farthest thing from the truth. 

Here are basics (from my point of view. 

-God will accomplish his will with or without us. We are not as important as we make ourselves out to be. 

-There is nothing we can do that will get us out of God's will. 

-There is no reason to ever expect that just because we can never surprise God, doesn't mean we should "eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we die."

-God is a gentleman. He's not going to drag us kicking and screaming down his path he picks for us. 

-We are to never know what would have happened. 

Off of that last point. There are a lot of questions that I used to ask myself all the time. Some of which made/make me wonder. 

~What if 

                -I had stayed in my school? 

                -My little brother hadn't been born when he was? 

                -I hadn't started my list?

                -I hadn't been where I was on March 15th, or 17th?

and the biggest one of all:

                -what if I had clicked no? 

I've realized that we can never know. what has happened has happened. things are never as they seem. Hindsight is 20/20 and yes, there is not much we can do about it, but we must press on. 

I thank God for my experience. I am nothing without him. He is my fortress. My salvation, my hope to carry on. He rescued me from some terrible evils, the terrible ones along the lines of sleeplessness, terror and regret, of man and make-believe, the most horrible being myself. 

I have nothing to fear because He has saved me. More on this later. 

Katydid out. 

Scripture to think on.

It changed my life, I hope it changes yours.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mystery and Victory

 ⁵⁰I tell you this, brothers: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. ⁵¹Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, ⁵²in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. ⁵³For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. ⁵⁴When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

   "Death is swallowed up in victory." ⁵⁵ "O death, where is your victory?
   O death, where is your sting?"



 ⁵⁶The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. ⁵⁷But thanks be to God,who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
 ⁵⁸ Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.


Katydid Out. 


*ESV

From the Eyes...

This is just a little something I wrote. We'll let you figure out the meaning all on your own.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Power. It's a fine thing.
It is what someone like me needs in a life like this.
Anger, justice. That is my job.
With my own scepter, I am in a way, King of this mountain.

Three today.
A good day.
A loud crowd is coming bearing the last one but I have other work to do.
I walk over to the first.
He is younger then myself, a thief.

I laugh. One who thought he couldn't get caught.
Fear ripples through his face, He knows his end is near.
The fear screams in his face, as he begs for mercy.
His body writhes in what little fight he has left.
I simply, signal, then while three hold him down,
I torture them and keep them alive.

And again I repeat it.
This one is also so young...
but this one is drawn to his fate,
lays still. But nothing can stop the anguish that echos after I am through.

Then they bring Him to me.
A mess. Blood pouring from his back,
Carrying his own death to me.
I laugh. The wood is thrown down,
and suddenly the broken being before me falls.

I lord over him, but then I turn and see the crowd.
All of them screaming his name, cheering me on, and suddenly a hush comes over  the few in the front.
A woman screams “No!”  while she is escorted up the hill.
Then I turn back and see why there was a slight lull.
The man has crawled upon his own post.
Ready for me to destroy him,

I don't understand. This man...
the blood, which I have seen a thousand times before.
I have never felt so wrong.
I look into his eyes.
Tears leave streams of white on his red face,
he nods and lays his head back.

He is the first...
I shake myself, unable to keep my hands from trembling. I feel like a foolish novice again.
I drive them. Once, twice three times.

The sound rings in my mind, echoes deeper, rocking my soul.
I feel too sick to turn away and just watch.
I hear the crunch of bones,
I hear the screams.
I don't understand why I am doing this.
I don't understand how I got here.

Who brought me to this world that I am now King over?
I make the final call.
I have done this for years, but tonight, I am sick of it.
What gave me the utmost pleasure before is now no longer there.

Finally my work is done.
I walk away. I must find out who he was.
I turn. He wails out in his own language.
I have gotten far enough away that
I can only understand two words.
“Forgive them!”

It echoes in my mind.
I run, and I ask who is that man.
“A false teacher, a liar! He claimed to be God!”
For that he came to me?
Only thieves and murderers come to me...

I run back, and somehow hours have past.
He is still there. I look at him.
He stares back at me. Then looks heavenward.
“it is finished.”
He says, and breaths his last.

Suddenly the earth shakes.
My world shatters.
My old friend stands beside me.

We both know the truth.
What have we done?
Oh, what have we done?
But He is dead now.
There is no doubt about that.

I don't go back to work.
I cannot.
I have killed an innocent man.
I have touched God.

I don't deserve to live.
I wallow in my pity for three days.
Then I finally realize that I must go on.
There is nothing I can do. The man is dead.

As I set outside, I almost get run over, by all things, a woman.
She is shouting about how “He is alive, He is risen”

There is hope.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Katydid out. 

Christmas Revelations...

This is what I was working on before my rant yesterday.
~

So here I am again.

A new Semester, and yet another new experience. Today I had my second class.. Well, technically it's my third, I completed European Reformations in 9 days... that was intense. 

I was thinking today about a general revelation I had over Christmas break. 

Dating. 

Yeah, for those of you that keep up, the day after my birthday I wrote something about the purity rings I have had in the past 4 years. Well, I am going to tell a little story about something my mom told me when I was 13. She said she say me marrying a certain type of guy (that I will not mention on here due to the questioning I shall get). Well with where I was at that time, I was thinking something also the lines of "yeah right, you're insane, you are so wrong," You know when you are 13 and think you know everything (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)????

Well...now I have aged in wisdom (and in general). I have a certain...maturity that I didn't have when I was a new teen. I asked my mother if she remembered that conversation, and she said yes. I looked at her and said that now that I am to the point where most of my friends are getting into serious relationships and getting engaged ect, the qualities of the guy I am praying for are... exactly what she said when I was 13. 

She laughed at me in the mom way of saying "I told you so". 

So anyways, I was out walking at around 2 am during the snow storm that we had on December 19th because I was up and felt like it, and then it just hit me how far I have come in the past 5 years.

Anyone who knew the surface, cannot see the difference. 

But I know.

I think in my life, I've only had 1 thing that could even be considered a crush. Because I was trying to hide from another guy, and pretend about that. It didn't work... We'll leave it at that. 

So I have no good experience myself in the relationship department. 

But I have been watching my best friend, (who celebrated her 6th month of courting a week ago) and her boyfriend. 

I want the kind of relationship they have. Whenever I see them together, I can just tell. It's one instances of having two people how want to serve God and glorify him in everything they do, apart and as a couple. They just seem to work better together then apart. They accomplish more, and though apart they are two, together they are one. 

Then, I began thinking of the other relationship, that I mentioned above. I have only recently recovered from that relationship. It's been wonderful living again... I have my life back. I was walking in snow relishing them falling on my eyelashes, and singing again... at 2 am in the morning. 

Then I was thinking (I did a lot of thinking) about 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant ⁵or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; ⁶it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.⁷ Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. ⁸Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.

It was refreshing. I was thinking about how I am so ready for someone to love me like this. God already does. I know I want to love like this. Then I began thinking about Proverbs 31. I won't give you the whole passage but here is a bit.  (31:10-12)

¹⁰ An excellent wife who can find? 

She is far more precious than jewels. 

¹¹The heart of her husband trusts in her, 

and he will have no lack of gain. ¹²She does him good, and not harm

 all the days of her life.

The passage goes on the describe an ideal woman of God... 


Then it hit me. Have you ever had the experience that in your thoughts, you are running ahead and everything is fine, and then you hit a brick wall? Yeah, that's what I did. 


I don't want to get into a relationship right now. Actually Let me rephrase that. I do. But I can't. Why? Read the passage again. 


I am not any of those things. Let me give this to you straight. This love is REAL. Straight up, honest, real Love. Love that would serve, and humble it's-self, and die for another... even an enemy. Love that cares more deeply for another no matter what, even when the person is an utter pain in the rear. It's the Love God exhibits for us Every Day. This kind of woman is rare. This is back when Men were called to be Chivalrous and Women were called to be Noble. She brings glory to her husband. 


I can't give that yet. I'm not ready. I have now reached the age that I realized that I really know nothing. And I am really immature in this area. Actually in general. Nothing against the people who love Spongebob and footie Pjs. I do too. But in my attitude... Oh my life... it's rather sad. I had only recently come to the realization that I needed to respect my parents more... now this... 


To top all of this off, I am still so wrapped up in everything I want to do that even if I met someone I highly doubt I would be willing to give up my dreams for. And personally I'm not looking for a boyfriend just so that I can "be normal" as one of my friends so... 'eloquently' put it. 


I want to get it right on the first try. Even though it means I have to wait a while. I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I'm most certainly not planning on jumping into anything anytime soon. God has a lot of work to do in me. And I plan on waiting until He shows me I am finished. I don't expect to be 'done' for years. 


I mean really. I'm 18 years old. God has already given me more experiences and opportunities then most.  I have a stellar family, I go to an amazing school, and I have met some amazing God-fearing people who  draw me closer to Him every day. I have all I need. An awesome God, and people he has placed in my life to make me even better... they already have... I would list them... but I honestly would need a whole other blog just to describe how wonderful they are. :) 


Back to my epiphany. It was actually really funny. Here I am standing in the snow, praying about the conversation I had with my mother, and God goes "Guess what? Your not ready!!!!!" 


I hope none of my neighbors were outside and could hear me laughing... I had to lie down in the snow (I had now reached the point where everything was hysterically funny). 


Again. Irony... I need to write another post on Delicious Irony... 


Well I think I've exhausted my supply of what I have to say for tonight, so... goodnight for now.


Katydid out

Venting.

Yes tonight I am going to be one of those angry bloggers.


Wondering why? Well, I'm just rather frustrated with God and life.


I found out that my friend, who I thought I was making a difference in (he's not a Christian) de-friended me on facebook. Yeah it's kinda mindless, but I was so upset. Here is a friend who I treat like family, who doesn't believe the same as I do, and I thought that I was ministering to him, and setting a good example...
So. frustrating.


Honestly, I think the part that upsets me the most is I don't know why. I can't help thinking that maybe it was a mistake on my part. Maybe I wasn't going about it the right way... Maybe it was the distance...


*sigh* I don't know...


And the other main thing.


I found out that a young mother of 2 daughters died.


I didn't know her, but my family does.


My heart breaks, I can't imagine losing my mother... and I've had over 18 years...


And at this point, I'm asking why. And so I am writing getting my feelings out. I had a post that I was working on earlier, but I won't post it until later.


I want some answers God. And I know I'm not going to get them but I still want them.


I hate the fact that I struggle with this all of the time. I always want to fix everything. And the issue is I wish I had the answer  but I don't. I wish I knew what was going on and I don't.


Be glad I'm not God. Because I am WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too impatient. I can't imagine being Him.


The reality of that just hit me.


God sees people die all the time.
People he knows intimately, people who rejected him. People he loves, and that He sent His son to die for. And they die not knowing Him.


Besides that he watches people who claim to carry his name destroy it everyday. People like me. I don't even want to think about how often I mar the name of Christ. I drag it through the dirt and make it as foul as I used to be...




Well this was unsuccessful, all I did was give myself more to think about.
Maybe I'll have more insight after devotions later...


Katydid out.