Recently I've been realizing the power of real laughter.
Now what do I mean by real?
Real meaning the joyful, expressive kinda the bubbles up from your soul, causes you to cry, just because you are truly delighting in something with another person.
The other thing is real laughter banishes all other emotions. You forget about your troubles, your pain, you paper due in a few moments... You just enjoy what you have in that instant. You delight in that moment.
My very close friend and I have been Struggling to keep our laughter down for the past week. Why? Well, God has basically been showing us the humor that people live their lives in.
If you don't study people, you will not understand what I am talking about.
People are funny. No, hilarious. I find so much amusement of the delight of young children watching College students swing on park swings, Parents realizing that their children are (sometimes) more intelligent then the rest of the world. People putting their foot in their mouths... you get the idea.
The thing I am noticing is which people laugh it off and which people truly cannot handle it. I'm surprised by the fact that most people will laugh it off. Maybe not in the current moment, but in the end, I am shocked by how many people laugh about their past mistakes.
Growing up whenever I did anything stupid, people would always tell me that I would laugh about it later.
I find it utterly hilarious that I am now doing the exact same things now, and enjoying every second of it.
What I've been finding recently is this verse is so true.
Proverbs 17.22~A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
Growing up this is kinda cliche, and overstated, but it's not. The reality of it is, so many people think they have a "joyful heart"when they do not. I'm realizing this.
It's breaking my heart. Some people are so negative about certain subjects that they don't realise how their complaining and their hearts are connected.
This is the way life is. you can take it or laugh at it the choice is yours.
Katydid out.
Small thoughts and lifesongs from a little insect blessed by God. Trying to Listen, Often Failing... Always Learning.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Struggling With the Truth
So time for a basic Question and answer.
When someone is going to walk into something stupid, and/or do something they will regret, what do you say?
The reality of this is I'm realizing how much I see people walking right into something stupid. The problem is most of them are completely oblivious to it. For goodness sakes, I've done it countless times. You just wander into a huge mistake, that can involve anything from: regret, hate, anger, depression, a broken heart... that's not even talking about the physical aspects of this. I have hurt myself countless times doing very stupid things... like breaking and entering...now granted, I did lock the keys in the house that I was breaking and entering in...But that's another story for another time.
So my question is, more specifically, when should you interfere and when should you stay out of it? And how exactly do you tell someone that they are walking (and they think with both eyes open) into something that they may regret for the rest of their lives?
How do you bring up taboo subject that you really have no way of telling people? Especially in the case of something you have no personal experience in?
It's like a clown trying to tell a computer techie that his computers could be more efficient if [insert crazy/practical/whatever idea here). And it doesn't matter if your idea is actually revolutionary... people will just laugh at you. Or call you a fool.
There is just nothing wise... or even intelligent about doing something like that.
So do you wait for someone credible to tell the techie? Do you find someone credible TO tell the techie for you?
The problem is, some people need the mistakes to grow. Where do you draw the line between someone who needs to be stopped and someone who needs to be taught??
Are you responsible for the mistakes of someone when you know that they will not listen to you?
And yet again, I'm left with more questions then answers.
Katydid out.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Thinking.... Because I have Writers Block for my Paper...
Just some thoughts that I have been thinking on.
Romans 8.31-39
31What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised— who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36As it is written,
"For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered."
37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
-----
Psalm 56
all day long an attacker oppresses me;2my enemies trample on me all day long,
for many attack me proudly.3When I am afraid,
I put my trust in you.4In God, whose word I praise,
in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.
What can flesh do to me? 5All day long they injure my cause;
all their thoughts are against me for evil.6They stir up strife, they lurk;
they watch my steps,
as they have waited for my life.7For their crime will they escape?
In wrath cast down the peoples, O God!
8You have kept count of my tossings;
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book?9Then my enemies will turn back
in the day when I call.
This I know, that God is for me.10In God, whose word I praise,
in the LORD, whose word I praise,11in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
12I must perform my vows to you, O God;
I will render thank offerings to you.13For you have delivered my soul from death,
yes, my feet from falling,
that I may walk before God
in the light of life.
~
Mmm... This makes me really happy. For a lot of reasons. Several of them are due to what is currently happening in my life. Since the Beginning of March, my life has FLIPPED. Literally. I really... yeah. Looking back on my life, all of my journal entries.... Even this Blog... I'm just really surprised at the fact that... I'm growing up. This is a surprise. Who would have thought I would have grown up in College!?!?!?!?!? (end of Sarcasm), but really now, I'm totally serious about the "I'm surprised about growing up". It's more... how I'm going about it.
Honestly, I've realized how much more flexible I am becoming, and how much more I realize how... important each moment of each day is. Everything can change in a instant. I've learned this... over and over and over again the past month. Everything we do effects something or someone else. Our lives truly are a domino effect.
I've often disregarded this, but looking over old journal entries have opened my eyes. A simple thing of being somewhere you normally are not can change everything. I didn't truly realize how much "the little things" really effect our daily routine. Walking a different path, getting up at a different hour, what devotions you read in the morning, where you sit in a class room, the looks you and your friend exchange, the simple things such as grammar and punctuation which can change the entire structure of a sentence, and if forgotten, can end in massive private jokes, and a few other mindless things such as that.
So in other words change is good. Personally I never think about the fact that people are watching me. I know several people know that I have been in... a Spiritual battle, so to speak. I didn't realise that through my blind stumblings, and my mistakes, I would be a light to others. I also never realised how much good change in other people can effect my entire attitude. Oh my life! WOW. It's crazy. Personally I love watching people grow in their faith, and I know for a fact that even though these people are watching me, their growth is a result of God opening their eyes/
So now for the Scripture. I found that these two Passages have been... my minor lifeline for the past month.
The first is just a reminder. I have (and I've posted a few times about this) been to the breaking point again and again. There have been times when I just want to give up, because I can't see how much trial, pain and hurt is worth what I am being... mmm.... molded to do for the rest of my life. Yesterday, (well technically at 1 this morning) I realized why. But that is for me to know, and you to find out on your own.
The second is also a reminder. I seemed to have moved off on one fear and moved onto another. Again I realised yesterday that no matter what, God still hold me in his arms. Flesh can do nothing to me. Honestly... the worst they could do is kill me... and I wouldn't really have a problem with that. Not that I'm walking around asking for a death wish, but seriously. My reputation is worth nil after I depart from this world, My family, though my lifeline, know Christ as well, so that is not a worry for me. Stuff...is stuff, is stuff. So that doesn't matter. So there is a general reality of the fact that... I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Now that I've gone on a completely morbid schpeil on death, I'm going to end on a... somewhat happy note.
God is at work, and he's using my trials to shape the world... Makes it all worth it.
Katydid out.
Romans 8.31-39
31What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised— who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36As it is written,
"For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered."
37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
-----
Psalm 56
In God I Trust
1 Be gracious to me, O God, for man tramples on me;all day long an attacker oppresses me;2my enemies trample on me all day long,
for many attack me proudly.3When I am afraid,
I put my trust in you.4In God, whose word I praise,
in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.
What can flesh do to me? 5All day long they injure my cause;
all their thoughts are against me for evil.6They stir up strife, they lurk;
they watch my steps,
as they have waited for my life.7For their crime will they escape?
In wrath cast down the peoples, O God!
8You have kept count of my tossings;
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book?9Then my enemies will turn back
in the day when I call.
This I know, that God is for me.10In God, whose word I praise,
in the LORD, whose word I praise,11in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
12I must perform my vows to you, O God;
I will render thank offerings to you.13For you have delivered my soul from death,
yes, my feet from falling,
that I may walk before God
in the light of life.
~
Mmm... This makes me really happy. For a lot of reasons. Several of them are due to what is currently happening in my life. Since the Beginning of March, my life has FLIPPED. Literally. I really... yeah. Looking back on my life, all of my journal entries.... Even this Blog... I'm just really surprised at the fact that... I'm growing up. This is a surprise. Who would have thought I would have grown up in College!?!?!?!?!? (end of Sarcasm), but really now, I'm totally serious about the "I'm surprised about growing up". It's more... how I'm going about it.
Honestly, I've realized how much more flexible I am becoming, and how much more I realize how... important each moment of each day is. Everything can change in a instant. I've learned this... over and over and over again the past month. Everything we do effects something or someone else. Our lives truly are a domino effect.
I've often disregarded this, but looking over old journal entries have opened my eyes. A simple thing of being somewhere you normally are not can change everything. I didn't truly realize how much "the little things" really effect our daily routine. Walking a different path, getting up at a different hour, what devotions you read in the morning, where you sit in a class room, the looks you and your friend exchange, the simple things such as grammar and punctuation which can change the entire structure of a sentence, and if forgotten, can end in massive private jokes, and a few other mindless things such as that.
So in other words change is good. Personally I never think about the fact that people are watching me. I know several people know that I have been in... a Spiritual battle, so to speak. I didn't realise that through my blind stumblings, and my mistakes, I would be a light to others. I also never realised how much good change in other people can effect my entire attitude. Oh my life! WOW. It's crazy. Personally I love watching people grow in their faith, and I know for a fact that even though these people are watching me, their growth is a result of God opening their eyes/
So now for the Scripture. I found that these two Passages have been... my minor lifeline for the past month.
The first is just a reminder. I have (and I've posted a few times about this) been to the breaking point again and again. There have been times when I just want to give up, because I can't see how much trial, pain and hurt is worth what I am being... mmm.... molded to do for the rest of my life. Yesterday, (well technically at 1 this morning) I realized why. But that is for me to know, and you to find out on your own.
The second is also a reminder. I seemed to have moved off on one fear and moved onto another. Again I realised yesterday that no matter what, God still hold me in his arms. Flesh can do nothing to me. Honestly... the worst they could do is kill me... and I wouldn't really have a problem with that. Not that I'm walking around asking for a death wish, but seriously. My reputation is worth nil after I depart from this world, My family, though my lifeline, know Christ as well, so that is not a worry for me. Stuff...is stuff, is stuff. So that doesn't matter. So there is a general reality of the fact that... I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Now that I've gone on a completely morbid schpeil on death, I'm going to end on a... somewhat happy note.
God is at work, and he's using my trials to shape the world... Makes it all worth it.
Katydid out.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Going through Last Semester...
Stained Glass
What is is about your eyes?
It's colours catch my own.
Watching, waiting you,
it's obvious to me who you think you are.
How long will you continue to be painted?
My heart aches that you are so small,
yet more educated in the lies of this world.
You've already sold yourself to something so cheap.
And now your eyes are nothing but stained glass windows.
Pretty to look at, surrounded by color, but behind, a backwards distorted picture.
The sun can only puncture your soul, there is no real light inside.
Do you see the same way I see, little girl?
Or have you bought the lie to grow up too fast?
Only 14, why do you convince yourself that
unless you have this or that,
you cannot be satisfied?
You've bought into the stained glass lie.
You're not alone, half of the world is along with you. You aren't that far gone, turn around.
Take your life and take your light. I'll even give you mine.
The beauty you have sold yourself for, makes you nothing but a window.
And yes, most people can't see through the stained glass, but I can.
I've been there too.
I've seen the hand where all you do is think that you aren't up to par.
Did you know that you are beautiful?
Has the world told you that?
Because when the light shines from within,
there is nothing you can do about who you are.
Except enjoy it.
That is what you have to learn.
And this is the truth.
Take your light, let it shine.
Take the backwards window and stop adding color to make it look better.
Because the window doesn't work from the outside in, it's works from the inside out.
Because the only one who ever can see the pretty colours if the light only shines in is you. And you can't enjoy them, because you keep criticizing...
So show your true colours.
Smash your stained glass windows
and let your smile reach your eyes.
Finished 10/09
This was written for a girl in my youth group. I don't have the courage to say this to her, and I know she doesn't read this.
I think it's something everyone needs to learn...
Katydid out.
Things Are in the Air...
So... well, as you can tell, I gave the blog a minor makeover. I figure since I have changed so much since it started that maybe it deserves a new face. I mean, post 55, and in June I will have been at this a year now... Strange. I never thought this would go anywhere... and I was rereading my posts since the beginning... I have watched myself grow from a young 17 year old angry, struggling, frustrated, confused, trying, new Christian... now granted I'm still Struggling, Confused, occasionally Frustrated and a new Christian. 3 Years is hardly enough experience to chalk up to anything. But you should notice the one that is missing.
I've decided that some history changes... well not history... but... well, I guess they are. Maybe it's just how I view history and how I see my history. How I am lost in the shadows of flashbacks, other people affecting my life, the domino effect... Or how I was...
For those of you that have never experienced the dangers of flashbacks... it's awful. I won't go into the situations I have managed to get myself in because of them.
It's been wonderful going from 1 a week... to having them be completely unpredictable. Now don't get me wrong, I wish they would go away forever... but instead of randomly getting at least 1 a week, more often then not 2 or 3. Besides all of the people I've talked to said that I would probably be effected by them for the rest of my life.
Now my biggest problem is not worry about what others think of me. I normally don't care about embarrassing myself, or how other people view me. I do have a big thing about people thinking I'm nothing. I hate being accused some something I'm not, such as a manipulative, flirtatious or conniving.
But I've always been told that. From people such as my ex-best-friend to people who don't even know me. I'm not much to look at, I know this... but I feel like some people don't try to see past the surface. I have lived my entire life dealing with being compared to pretty girls, and normally not dealing with what people think or care, because growing up people always thought I was weird (which I was) or quiet (which I'm not) but normally I would be described as the "down-to-earth, girl next door" not someone who is anything incredibly special to look at.
Now, before it sounds like I'm downing myself, I'm not this will all make sense in a moment.
First of all, I have always put more emphasis on certain parts of me that people don't see. For years I have been "perfecting' aka beginning to develop into a stable kind of object. Honestly when I was growing up, I'm surprised I didn't spontaneously combust, because my personality is a combination that is so completely ridiculous that most people can't even survive when there are two people like this in the same room. I have been accused of being Bi-polar, and while I am not, in a way I am. The best words to describe my personality are that I am an 'intense-free spirit'. In other words, I'm a walking oxymoron.
Recently the biggest thing I have been learning to focus on is my faith. This semester I came back determined that I was going to grow in my faith... apparently it's working. I've been approached several times about the faith I have in God, and have been questioned about it.
Now back to the main reason for why you might wonder if I'm downing myself... I'm not.
Personally I've never wanted to be pretty or popular. I found that it was too much to maintain and at too high of a price, such as violating your morals, and I have never seen the appeal to it. Not in highschool, not in middle school... I would always tell myself whenever I saw the popular crowd that I would never be like that. More often then not I felt sorry that they have to live their entire lives as a show. If you have been living your life in a bubble... It's never been.. a life I wanted. And I've seen people who have spent their entire lives being "popular" and then finally they want out... and they cannot shake their world. I have been told by countless people how lucky I am that I'm a "nobody" so too speak. I'm too loud to be a nobody, but... yeah I am a nomad. I move around from group to group, and while I know a lot of people, not a lot of people know me.
I look at all the kids who still want to be popular... I have the 4 best friends anyone could ever ask for... I'm not popular... but I'm happy... I'm me... and I know people like me for who and what I am, and I never have to fake it.
So who is better off?
Katydid out.
I've decided that some history changes... well not history... but... well, I guess they are. Maybe it's just how I view history and how I see my history. How I am lost in the shadows of flashbacks, other people affecting my life, the domino effect... Or how I was...
For those of you that have never experienced the dangers of flashbacks... it's awful. I won't go into the situations I have managed to get myself in because of them.
It's been wonderful going from 1 a week... to having them be completely unpredictable. Now don't get me wrong, I wish they would go away forever... but instead of randomly getting at least 1 a week, more often then not 2 or 3. Besides all of the people I've talked to said that I would probably be effected by them for the rest of my life.
Now my biggest problem is not worry about what others think of me. I normally don't care about embarrassing myself, or how other people view me. I do have a big thing about people thinking I'm nothing. I hate being accused some something I'm not, such as a manipulative, flirtatious or conniving.
But I've always been told that. From people such as my ex-best-friend to people who don't even know me. I'm not much to look at, I know this... but I feel like some people don't try to see past the surface. I have lived my entire life dealing with being compared to pretty girls, and normally not dealing with what people think or care, because growing up people always thought I was weird (which I was) or quiet (which I'm not) but normally I would be described as the "down-to-earth, girl next door" not someone who is anything incredibly special to look at.
Now, before it sounds like I'm downing myself, I'm not this will all make sense in a moment.
First of all, I have always put more emphasis on certain parts of me that people don't see. For years I have been "perfecting' aka beginning to develop into a stable kind of object. Honestly when I was growing up, I'm surprised I didn't spontaneously combust, because my personality is a combination that is so completely ridiculous that most people can't even survive when there are two people like this in the same room. I have been accused of being Bi-polar, and while I am not, in a way I am. The best words to describe my personality are that I am an 'intense-free spirit'. In other words, I'm a walking oxymoron.
Recently the biggest thing I have been learning to focus on is my faith. This semester I came back determined that I was going to grow in my faith... apparently it's working. I've been approached several times about the faith I have in God, and have been questioned about it.
Now back to the main reason for why you might wonder if I'm downing myself... I'm not.
Personally I've never wanted to be pretty or popular. I found that it was too much to maintain and at too high of a price, such as violating your morals, and I have never seen the appeal to it. Not in highschool, not in middle school... I would always tell myself whenever I saw the popular crowd that I would never be like that. More often then not I felt sorry that they have to live their entire lives as a show. If you have been living your life in a bubble... It's never been.. a life I wanted. And I've seen people who have spent their entire lives being "popular" and then finally they want out... and they cannot shake their world. I have been told by countless people how lucky I am that I'm a "nobody" so too speak. I'm too loud to be a nobody, but... yeah I am a nomad. I move around from group to group, and while I know a lot of people, not a lot of people know me.
I look at all the kids who still want to be popular... I have the 4 best friends anyone could ever ask for... I'm not popular... but I'm happy... I'm me... and I know people like me for who and what I am, and I never have to fake it.
So who is better off?
Katydid out.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Hold Fast...
To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope
Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast
Will this season ever pass?
Can we stop this ride?
Will we see the sun at last?
Or could this be our lot in life?
Please do not let go
I promise you there's hope
You may think you're all alone
And there's no way that anyone could know
What you're going through
But if you only hear one thing
Just understand that we are all the same
Searching for the truth
The truth of what we're soon to face
Unless someone comes to take our place
Is there anyone?
All we want is to be free
Free from our captivity, Lord
Here He comes
Mmm. Mercyme. I love this song. I love mercyme actually. This post is going to be covered in their lyrics, so... ya, be prepared.
I have to admit, I'm to the breaking point.
At this point in my life, I have completely thrown myself into my school work. I have had such a hard time with just coping with life these past few days, that I'm not sure what to do.
I am physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausted. I have no idea which way is up, I'm absolutely worn out. I'm a slight mess. I'm also completely frustrated with my school about some things, and to top it off, today I had a walk down memory lane that wasn't so pleasant, complete with flashback. Lovely.
I pretty much walked home, locked myself in my room, and had a minor breakdown this evening. I'm still not done, and I feel like I'm going to snap and start crying at any moment. I've had it. I have no energy, I can't seem to make my body come up with enough, I'm just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, and feeling like I'm not worth anything, I'm sick of walking down the halls feeling like I live in a fishbowl because it seems like the entire school is watching me for some reason or another, I'm tired of hiding, I'm tired of fighting for my reputation, and honestly there is part of me that just wants to rewind this whole semester and do some things differently... not meet some people... not make some choices I made...
The problem is, God has been giving me so much... and I have no idea why. And I know that the part of me that wishes this semester hadn't happened yet is being lied to completely. I know for a fact that the relationships I have are blossoming the way they are for a reason, even if the fact that they are is painful. I've healed this semester. I learned how to breathe, I learned how to fight... I learned how much I put God in a box... and as I was talking to my friend about this weekend, I have been given a... "fish" so to speak, that God has caught and is currently holding in front of my face.
And now there is a problem with the problem. I'm so exhausted. I just want to sleep. I want to actually sleep, no dreams, no restlessness... I want to understand what exactly I'm supposed to do with this "fish" even if people are convinced that no matter what I do with it, God will bless my efforts. Part of me just wants to scream "I've only been a Christian for 3 years! I have no idea what I'm doing God, why did you choose me??? I can't do ANYTHING. I'm afraid, and I can't do this. Why does everyone else think I can?"
But I can't. I know what my "fish" is. Who ever said ignorance is bliss knew what they were talking about.
Now for the explanation of the song lyrics. I thought of this song and realised that I am not alone in this. I have been standing with people who are going to walk this road with me. And Jesus is one of them.
So now for the other song. (This is on the same album by the way)
No more boarding up my windows
So that I can lay low
Nobody's home
No more trying to run away from
Tired of being afraid of
What I can't control
The hardest part I'm always told
Is letting go
Safe and sound knowing that You're big enough to
Wrap around my heart completely
Safe and sound just knowing that You know me
I can finally set my heart free
Lost within the mystery
Of this love I've found
The hardest part I'm always told
Is letting go
The greatest part now I know
Is letting go
Okay, so both of these songs have pretty much helped me a lot tonight, I'm not going into my explanation of why, because I need to sleep for class which starts in less then 9 hours.
Hold fast... and Safe and Sound... Hmm. More Irony. Lovely. I was wondering when it would show up...
Katydid out.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
What are You Living for?
So today, I was in discipleship class, and the question was brought up about what excites you? What are you living for?
Now of course the sunday school answer is "Jesus" But I'm serious. What are you living for? What gets your adrenaline pumping, sends goosebumps down your arms, chills down your spine, makes your eyes light up with understanding passion... what are the simple moments in life that you live for every day?
I'm going to try to give you a look into my [very] long list... I can't even tell you everything... Passion is... something amazing, and if you haven't found something that you are passionate about, you NEED to find something. This is what I can give you... I have been composing this list for a while, so please don't think this is all just a spur of the moment thing.
Untouched nature, a genuine laugh, a cloudless, star-filled sky, a sunset/rise, that breeze that ripples across a field and makes everything turn another shade and shiver. A smile that reaches the eyes, and opens the soul. Two friends walking together. Frost on a window. Rain on your skin. A mother and child. The wind whistling through trees. Details and patterns we normally don't look at. The sound of crickets on a summer night. the feel of new piano keys, or guitar strings. When the waves tease your bare feet. The gentle song of a choir singing only to God, and not the congregation. when two people that care about each other touch hands, The feel and smell of a fire's heat, snow on eyelashes, Joy in a friends eyes, passion and understanding of a subject, when a loser becomes a winner, the feel of a butterflies wings on your cheek, a young child's fingers touching your face, a conversation between developing friends, that breeze that caresses your cheek when there was no breeze before, sitting under a tree with a good friend, the way two people look at each other when they care about each other. The fact that when you lie on your back and stare at the stars, you feel yourself shrinking; comfortable silence; the joy in a child's eyes when someone takes time for them, the peaceful laziness of a warm saturday afternoon, big words, the obviousness of God's everyday grace that simply overwhelms us with every breath we are given, The first breath after forgiveness, the reality of freedom, the definition of grace, the coffee shop adventures between friends, the chiding, laughter, mock arguments, and smiles, when you can see true love in another's eyes, water running over your feet, a mountain top experience, driving and looking at what you normally miss, getting a new perspective, that adrenaline rush when you do something utterly crazy, and you regret it for a split second... then you don't. Walking with bare feet on warm concrete or wet grass, That feeling of ecstasy when you have accomplished something you thought impossible, the beauty of watching someone stand up after falling again and again.... forgiveness in action, shadows dancing, Fibonacci patterns, the intimacy between friends growing deeper, the idea of people knowing that they will spend the rest of their lives learning... scripture being read and understanding of it, fields of flowers, and the look in someone's eyes when they trust you. The feel of flower petals between your fingers, the concern in someone's eyes when they care for you, throwing flowers and grass in peoples hair, Cherry Blossom showers.
*whew* And that doesn't even scratch the surface.
What about you?? Think about it...
Katydid out.
Now of course the sunday school answer is "Jesus" But I'm serious. What are you living for? What gets your adrenaline pumping, sends goosebumps down your arms, chills down your spine, makes your eyes light up with understanding passion... what are the simple moments in life that you live for every day?
I'm going to try to give you a look into my [very] long list... I can't even tell you everything... Passion is... something amazing, and if you haven't found something that you are passionate about, you NEED to find something. This is what I can give you... I have been composing this list for a while, so please don't think this is all just a spur of the moment thing.
Untouched nature, a genuine laugh, a cloudless, star-filled sky, a sunset/rise, that breeze that ripples across a field and makes everything turn another shade and shiver. A smile that reaches the eyes, and opens the soul. Two friends walking together. Frost on a window. Rain on your skin. A mother and child. The wind whistling through trees. Details and patterns we normally don't look at. The sound of crickets on a summer night. the feel of new piano keys, or guitar strings. When the waves tease your bare feet. The gentle song of a choir singing only to God, and not the congregation. when two people that care about each other touch hands, The feel and smell of a fire's heat, snow on eyelashes, Joy in a friends eyes, passion and understanding of a subject, when a loser becomes a winner, the feel of a butterflies wings on your cheek, a young child's fingers touching your face, a conversation between developing friends, that breeze that caresses your cheek when there was no breeze before, sitting under a tree with a good friend, the way two people look at each other when they care about each other. The fact that when you lie on your back and stare at the stars, you feel yourself shrinking; comfortable silence; the joy in a child's eyes when someone takes time for them, the peaceful laziness of a warm saturday afternoon, big words, the obviousness of God's everyday grace that simply overwhelms us with every breath we are given, The first breath after forgiveness, the reality of freedom, the definition of grace, the coffee shop adventures between friends, the chiding, laughter, mock arguments, and smiles, when you can see true love in another's eyes, water running over your feet, a mountain top experience, driving and looking at what you normally miss, getting a new perspective, that adrenaline rush when you do something utterly crazy, and you regret it for a split second... then you don't. Walking with bare feet on warm concrete or wet grass, That feeling of ecstasy when you have accomplished something you thought impossible, the beauty of watching someone stand up after falling again and again.... forgiveness in action, shadows dancing, Fibonacci patterns, the intimacy between friends growing deeper, the idea of people knowing that they will spend the rest of their lives learning... scripture being read and understanding of it, fields of flowers, and the look in someone's eyes when they trust you. The feel of flower petals between your fingers, the concern in someone's eyes when they care for you, throwing flowers and grass in peoples hair, Cherry Blossom showers.
*whew* And that doesn't even scratch the surface.
What about you?? Think about it...
Katydid out.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Green Eyes and Snide Glances...
I hate jealousy. OH. MY. LIFE. (I just mistyped life, thought that you should know that). I will never understand the concept of it. Especially when it's attacked towards one person. I just have been seeing the affects of it the past month, and how much it destroys. I mean there are some things that just aren't true, and people just need to get over themselves. Especially Christians. If you can tell that God is behind the situation, you should just shut up and go home. I mean really? Grow up Christians. (I can say this, because I have always done what I can to not get on the side of it. Honestly it's very easy for me, but that is because I never think I deserve anything but we aren't talking about my self esteem issues)
James 3:13-17
I hate looking into peoples eyes (and I got this growing up) and just seeing "You aren't so special... why do you get (insert whatever you wish here). Most people (especially girls) do not disguise jealousy well at all. It's so tough. It's almost like they show you how jealous they are on purpose.
Now, I'm no saint. Pretty much all I usually think is along the lines of "Very mature. Very. I'm so impressed with our cultures selfishness and how it has completely consumed even our Christian Culture. That give me LOADS of hope for the future. Good job world." You get the idea. I have been very blessed with not being plagued with jealousy. But I am plagued other ways... so I'm really no better off then anyone else. But I still complain.
I just really am astounded by how many people don't want to disguise the fact that they want what someone else has, but they aren't willing to do anything about what they have. Then they get all upset, because they realize that what they have is falling apart, then they wonder why and dare to think that if they had (insert word here) things would be SO much BETTER.
Tend to your own, dang it. God has given us all very different aspects and paths to walk, don't get all offended because what you want isn't what you got, and someone else got what you wanted. Good night, it makes me mad.
But here is the problem. I can't handle this. As much as I can pretend I don't see what is always surrounding me, I cannot hold up against it. And I couldn't figure out why... and I was looking in my concordance and my dictionary and this is what I found.
From the Dictionary:
jealous
adjective
feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages
• feeling or showing suspicion of someone's unfaithfulness in a relationship
• fiercely protective or vigilant of one's rights or possessions :
• (of God) demanding faithfulness and exclusive worship
Proverbs 6:3 For jealousy makes a man furious,and he will not spare when he takes revenge.
Proverbs 27:4 Wrath is cruel, anger is overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?
Acts 13:45 But when the Jews saw the crowds, they were filled with jealousy and began to contradict what was spoken by Paul, reviling him.
Romans 13:13 Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy.
1 Corinthians 3:3 for you are still of the flesh. For while there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not of the flesh and behaving only in a human way?
James 3:13-17 Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.
Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.
Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.
Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.
Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.
Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.
Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.
Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.
That second verse (from Proverbs) is my problem. Actually all of them are, but that isn't the point. Who can stand against Jealousy? Mm. I know I can't. I'm learning that. I thought that one person was tough enough. Not really.
So again, I'm left with a lot of questions.. and no answers. *sigh*
Well, God works everything out to His glory, even if I don't see what he is doing. :/ The problem once again is... Waiting. :p Lovely.
Katydid out.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Song Stealers.
So... not going to lie, this is one of my biggest pet peeves. I cannot stand it when people take a perfectly good song, and re-sing it. In most cases, the song is ruined. For example all of the freaking disney Mania songs, there is a reason that they won awards the first time... Good grief.
What really makes me mad is when it happens in Christian Media. When some little known band gets this great song, then someone like Phillips, Craig and Dean, Tree 63, or Chris Tomlin (you get the idea) picks it up.. and then all of a sudden, this song is huge... but the band gets no credit. Oooh it makes me mad...
For example. If you have heard this song before I'm going to post the lyrics... YOu might recognize this song as God of this City as sung by Chris Tomlin:
[Verse 1]
You're the God of this City
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are
[Verse 2]
You're the Light in this darkness
You're the Hope to the hopeless
You're the Peace to the restless
You are
There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God
[Chorus]
For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater thing have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
[Verse 1]
[Verse 2]
There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God
[Chorus]
For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here
There is no one like our god
There is no one like our God
[Chorus]
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here
Very Nice right? No. I am not pleased. Why? Because when I was in Northern Ireland in 2008 I had the pleasure of having a whole conversation of the orginal writer of this Song. That's right. How many people knew that??? This song was written for the city of Belfast N. Ireland by a band called Bluetree.
The ACTUAL Lyrics:
So my question is Where did that second verse go??? That is WONDERFUL. The Lyrics for this song are so powerful... and now we Americans have completely watered it down.
As a result, I'm not exactly the biggest fan of Chris Tomlin. People ask me why I don't like his music... well this is why. I am prefectly happy with the N. Irish accents singing the songs they wrote. It makes me so mad that people think that Chris Tomlin wrote this song.
When I was looking up the lyrics, I just googled "God of this City lyrics". The first result for the original song showed up on the second page and there was only one. Surrounded by 19 other results. The other thing that frustrated me was that the people don't get that Bluetree is one word... I mean really? We get this great song, but someone big decides that it's a good idea to eliminate half of the song... and he gets the top google results??!?!?!?!? REALLY???
This was not a good topic to write on, now I'm upset.
The thing is, stuff like this happens all the time. But why don't we give credit where credit is due?
*sigh* And I know that God is going to reap rewards on this group from N. Ireland who are not making a big deal about this at all... but still... really? Is that really right?
When we are missing out on vital parts of the song... that honestly I think are wonderful... (You're the Lord of creation, the creator of all things
You're the King above all kings, You are
You're the strength in the weakness, You are love to the broken
You're the joy in the sadness, You are)
What really makes me mad is when it happens in Christian Media. When some little known band gets this great song, then someone like Phillips, Craig and Dean, Tree 63, or Chris Tomlin (you get the idea) picks it up.. and then all of a sudden, this song is huge... but the band gets no credit. Oooh it makes me mad...
For example. If you have heard this song before I'm going to post the lyrics... YOu might recognize this song as God of this City as sung by Chris Tomlin:
[Verse 1]
You're the God of this City
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are
[Verse 2]
You're the Light in this darkness
You're the Hope to the hopeless
You're the Peace to the restless
You are
There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God
[Chorus]
For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater thing have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
[Verse 1]
[Verse 2]
There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God
[Chorus]
For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here
There is no one like our god
There is no one like our God
[Chorus]
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here
Very Nice right? No. I am not pleased. Why? Because when I was in Northern Ireland in 2008 I had the pleasure of having a whole conversation of the orginal writer of this Song. That's right. How many people knew that??? This song was written for the city of Belfast N. Ireland by a band called Bluetree.
The ACTUAL Lyrics:
You're God of this city, You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation, You are
You're the light in this darkness, You're the hope to the hopeless
You're the peace to the restless, You are
For there is no one like our God
There is no one like You God
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this city
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here
You're the Lord of creation, the creator of all things
You're the King above all kings, You are
You're the strength in the weakness, You are love to the broken
You're the joy in the sadness, You are
For there is no one like our God
There is no one like You God
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this city
Where glory shines from hearts alive
With praise for You and love for You in this city
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this city
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here
There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God
Yes, there is no one like You God
There is no one like You God
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this city
Where glory shines from hearts alive
With praise for You and love for You in this city
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this city
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here
Still to be done here, still to be done here
Still to be done here
You're the Lord of this nation, You are
You're the light in this darkness, You're the hope to the hopeless
You're the peace to the restless, You are
For there is no one like our God
There is no one like You God
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this city
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here
You're the Lord of creation, the creator of all things
You're the King above all kings, You are
You're the strength in the weakness, You are love to the broken
You're the joy in the sadness, You are
For there is no one like our God
There is no one like You God
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this city
Where glory shines from hearts alive
With praise for You and love for You in this city
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this city
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here
There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God
Yes, there is no one like You God
There is no one like You God
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this city
Where glory shines from hearts alive
With praise for You and love for You in this city
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this city
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done here
Still to be done here, still to be done here
Still to be done here
So my question is Where did that second verse go??? That is WONDERFUL. The Lyrics for this song are so powerful... and now we Americans have completely watered it down.
As a result, I'm not exactly the biggest fan of Chris Tomlin. People ask me why I don't like his music... well this is why. I am prefectly happy with the N. Irish accents singing the songs they wrote. It makes me so mad that people think that Chris Tomlin wrote this song.
When I was looking up the lyrics, I just googled "God of this City lyrics". The first result for the original song showed up on the second page and there was only one. Surrounded by 19 other results. The other thing that frustrated me was that the people don't get that Bluetree is one word... I mean really? We get this great song, but someone big decides that it's a good idea to eliminate half of the song... and he gets the top google results??!?!?!?!? REALLY???
This was not a good topic to write on, now I'm upset.
The thing is, stuff like this happens all the time. But why don't we give credit where credit is due?
*sigh* And I know that God is going to reap rewards on this group from N. Ireland who are not making a big deal about this at all... but still... really? Is that really right?
When we are missing out on vital parts of the song... that honestly I think are wonderful... (You're the Lord of creation, the creator of all things
You're the King above all kings, You are
You're the strength in the weakness, You are love to the broken
You're the joy in the sadness, You are)
Why do I feel like we are missing out on something we all need?? or am I just venting to thin air???
What do you think?
Katydid out.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Public Speaking and Other Schpiels.
So has anyone else ever had the experience that a speaker or pastor has you pegged?
I experienced that today in Chapel. Now, God has just been deciding to be really convicting recently and I have been the breaking point several dozen times. Since the beginning of March, God has been revealing things to me that I don't really get, I can't understand and well... you get the idea. It's God, we are never meant to understand, and as I have said before if you are trying to understand God, count to a Billion, then do that about 80 times. If your head isn't spinning, do it again.
So... to describe this experience to the rest of my audience... Well you know the speaker is pretty good if they can pick you out of a crowd of over 300 people, and then wave to you afterwards like they've know you for your entire life. Also you can tell who they are looking at when someone is faced in the general direction of you.
Honestly You can almost imagine them thinking "God, I found 'em! Now for your message to be declared." meanwhile, you try to make yourself as small as possible, and you can see the excitement in the speakers eyes, and they start thinking "Yep, That's who I need to talk to!" They then spend the rest of the talk flashing you looks that ask "are you listening?" and grin at you mischievously. I seriously think public speakers know the difference between "I don't care what you have to say" posture and "Oh crap, he's on to me" posture.
I think God laughs when this happens. Apart from the fact He set it up.
But enough on that topic. My other Schpiel (I did not invent this word, it just makes me happy) is just the reality of growing a backbone. Being courageous...
I hate being brave... I will fully admit that whole heartedly. I swear I need to stop putting on this front for people that I'm fearless, because I'm not. I just know how to hide it. It's funny... if people really know how much some stuff really SCARES me, and the fact that I smile through the whole thing and act confident, (yay for my stupid silver mask. :p NOT. I really hate that thing.) I think people get this idea of me that it takes a lot to get me nervous. And all I can think is "ha-ha... you have no idea who I am."
Now where is this coming from? 2 situations today actually. One I won't go into, because it's a long story that I don't want to explain. But the other has to do with the speaker today (See? There is sense in this!).
I ended up not talking to this speaker... and I probably should have. Because his whole message was mostly dedicated to me. And I chickened out.
I think my biggest problem is, I still have my self esteem in the dirt from past experiences (mainly from the past 1 1/2 years). I still have this stupid reasoning inside of me that says "you are not worth people's time." As a result when I think that someone is... mmm... how do I say this? Higher... possibly... no. Pardon me while I think about this... Maybe I should consult my dictionary...
The lame word is "better", but I don't want to use that... because it's not the word I'm thinking of. But I can't fine the word I'm looking for...so we'll be lame and just go with that.
So whenever I dumb myself down, and put people somewhere where they don't belong, and don't talk because I don't think that they will listen, I don't have their full attention... they won't care etc. What exactly am I doing? (not the right thing would be the correct answer).
Here's the thing for me, I regret it when I open my mouth and I regret it when I keep it shut. So not talking certainly doesn't work, but the fact that I sometimes don't shut up isn't good either.
So once again... I'm a walking Oxymoron. Fun. Or as my pastor says "Fine, fine, whatever, Fine".
One of the things that has really been hitting me lately is I understand why I want to be with certain people, but I can't understand how they could ever want to be around. I could list my faults from now until Christmas, because it's a little black dragon that is always fighting me and nibbling on my ear (I'm not sure if I've mentioned my dragon analogy before, but today is my 50th post (!), so I'm going to pretend that I have and move on.) that I've been dealing with since I became a Christian 3 years ago. It's a battle I am always struggling with. Even with God.
I'm always asking myself why God would try to use me, when I'm a broken insecure little girl, far from home, totally confused, OCD about all the wrong things, and unsure of what to do.
About Saturday night, I was dealing with one of my... moments, I guess of these, and just my inadequacy, my own stupid... yeah... We'll just leave it with stupid.
I just remember thinking God putting this thought into my head:
"Okay Dummy, I died for you. And get this straight, I will do it again JUST for YOU. So don't you dare try to think that you aren't worth it to me. Second of all, you can't do it on your own, so I will carry you through it. If it's not hard for you I wouldn't be needed. You need me. Third, stop thinking yourself not worthy of other people, If I am the God over ALL creation (do you realize how big that is?) and I love you jealously, and I know EVERYTHING about you, why in the world do you think these people wouldn't want to be with you? Why would any of them give you a second look? Because they see me in you. That's why. They see what I treasure, you. My beloved, beautiful, Daughter."
God calls me out on a lot. Just saying. (For those of you that can't imagine God calling someone a "dummy", just insert "foolish one" for your pleasure, that's what He called us in the Bible, and in all reality, it's the same thing only in my daily language.)
So... Maybe I'm not the only one struggling with this. I have to admit, I've been thinking about my blog and questioning about everything I write on here. I'm not going to go out on a limb and dare to say that I'm changing peoples lives. That's God's job to do something through me.
I think the biggest thing for me is that you all know (I don't know who flipping reads this anyway, but I hope you are entertained by my sarcasm, irony, and my confusion, and I hope you learn something, because I sure do.) that this isn't for the world. Yeah, it's out there, but in all reality the only reason it is, is in the hopes that maybe somewhere, I can share my story and my struggles, and I can help someone... from my own little computer screen...
Let me give this to you straight. I love being broken. Don't get me wrong, it sucks, and it hurts and there are some days when I look and wonder what God could possibly do with the mess He has.
But the thing is, God is giving us more then we could ever imagine. It's true for all of us.
What can we do? Well, we get up, move on and trust. Because God's work is greater and more beautiful then anything we could ever imagine.
The truth is, we will never be good enough... But God MAKES us good enough.
Katydid out.
I experienced that today in Chapel. Now, God has just been deciding to be really convicting recently and I have been the breaking point several dozen times. Since the beginning of March, God has been revealing things to me that I don't really get, I can't understand and well... you get the idea. It's God, we are never meant to understand, and as I have said before if you are trying to understand God, count to a Billion, then do that about 80 times. If your head isn't spinning, do it again.
So... to describe this experience to the rest of my audience... Well you know the speaker is pretty good if they can pick you out of a crowd of over 300 people, and then wave to you afterwards like they've know you for your entire life. Also you can tell who they are looking at when someone is faced in the general direction of you.
Honestly You can almost imagine them thinking "God, I found 'em! Now for your message to be declared." meanwhile, you try to make yourself as small as possible, and you can see the excitement in the speakers eyes, and they start thinking "Yep, That's who I need to talk to!" They then spend the rest of the talk flashing you looks that ask "are you listening?" and grin at you mischievously. I seriously think public speakers know the difference between "I don't care what you have to say" posture and "Oh crap, he's on to me" posture.
I think God laughs when this happens. Apart from the fact He set it up.
But enough on that topic. My other Schpiel (I did not invent this word, it just makes me happy) is just the reality of growing a backbone. Being courageous...
I hate being brave... I will fully admit that whole heartedly. I swear I need to stop putting on this front for people that I'm fearless, because I'm not. I just know how to hide it. It's funny... if people really know how much some stuff really SCARES me, and the fact that I smile through the whole thing and act confident, (yay for my stupid silver mask. :p NOT. I really hate that thing.) I think people get this idea of me that it takes a lot to get me nervous. And all I can think is "ha-ha... you have no idea who I am."
Now where is this coming from? 2 situations today actually. One I won't go into, because it's a long story that I don't want to explain. But the other has to do with the speaker today (See? There is sense in this!).
I ended up not talking to this speaker... and I probably should have. Because his whole message was mostly dedicated to me. And I chickened out.
I think my biggest problem is, I still have my self esteem in the dirt from past experiences (mainly from the past 1 1/2 years). I still have this stupid reasoning inside of me that says "you are not worth people's time." As a result when I think that someone is... mmm... how do I say this? Higher... possibly... no. Pardon me while I think about this... Maybe I should consult my dictionary...
The lame word is "better", but I don't want to use that... because it's not the word I'm thinking of. But I can't fine the word I'm looking for...so we'll be lame and just go with that.
So whenever I dumb myself down, and put people somewhere where they don't belong, and don't talk because I don't think that they will listen, I don't have their full attention... they won't care etc. What exactly am I doing? (not the right thing would be the correct answer).
Here's the thing for me, I regret it when I open my mouth and I regret it when I keep it shut. So not talking certainly doesn't work, but the fact that I sometimes don't shut up isn't good either.
So once again... I'm a walking Oxymoron. Fun. Or as my pastor says "Fine, fine, whatever, Fine".
One of the things that has really been hitting me lately is I understand why I want to be with certain people, but I can't understand how they could ever want to be around. I could list my faults from now until Christmas, because it's a little black dragon that is always fighting me and nibbling on my ear (I'm not sure if I've mentioned my dragon analogy before, but today is my 50th post (!), so I'm going to pretend that I have and move on.) that I've been dealing with since I became a Christian 3 years ago. It's a battle I am always struggling with. Even with God.
I'm always asking myself why God would try to use me, when I'm a broken insecure little girl, far from home, totally confused, OCD about all the wrong things, and unsure of what to do.
About Saturday night, I was dealing with one of my... moments, I guess of these, and just my inadequacy, my own stupid... yeah... We'll just leave it with stupid.
I just remember thinking God putting this thought into my head:
"Okay Dummy, I died for you. And get this straight, I will do it again JUST for YOU. So don't you dare try to think that you aren't worth it to me. Second of all, you can't do it on your own, so I will carry you through it. If it's not hard for you I wouldn't be needed. You need me. Third, stop thinking yourself not worthy of other people, If I am the God over ALL creation (do you realize how big that is?) and I love you jealously, and I know EVERYTHING about you, why in the world do you think these people wouldn't want to be with you? Why would any of them give you a second look? Because they see me in you. That's why. They see what I treasure, you. My beloved, beautiful, Daughter."
God calls me out on a lot. Just saying. (For those of you that can't imagine God calling someone a "dummy", just insert "foolish one" for your pleasure, that's what He called us in the Bible, and in all reality, it's the same thing only in my daily language.)
So... Maybe I'm not the only one struggling with this. I have to admit, I've been thinking about my blog and questioning about everything I write on here. I'm not going to go out on a limb and dare to say that I'm changing peoples lives. That's God's job to do something through me.
I think the biggest thing for me is that you all know (I don't know who flipping reads this anyway, but I hope you are entertained by my sarcasm, irony, and my confusion, and I hope you learn something, because I sure do.) that this isn't for the world. Yeah, it's out there, but in all reality the only reason it is, is in the hopes that maybe somewhere, I can share my story and my struggles, and I can help someone... from my own little computer screen...
Let me give this to you straight. I love being broken. Don't get me wrong, it sucks, and it hurts and there are some days when I look and wonder what God could possibly do with the mess He has.
But the thing is, God is giving us more then we could ever imagine. It's true for all of us.
What can we do? Well, we get up, move on and trust. Because God's work is greater and more beautiful then anything we could ever imagine.
The truth is, we will never be good enough... But God MAKES us good enough.
Katydid out.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Hero?
"Hero"
No one sits with him, he doesn't fit in
But we feel like we do when we make fun of him
Cause you want to belong, do you go along?
Cause his pain is the price paid for you to belong
It's not like you hate him or want him to die
But maybe he goes home and thinks suicide
Or he comes back to school with a gun at his side
And a kindness from you might have saved his life
Heroes are made when you make a choice
You could be a hero - heroes do what's right
You could be a hero - you might save a life
You could be a hero- you could join the fight
For what's right, for what's right, for what's right
No one talks to her, she feels so alone
She's in too much pain to survive on her own
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife
She writes on her arm and wants to give up her life
Each day she goes on is a day that she's brave
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way
Each moment of courage her on life she saves
When she throws the pills out a hero is made
No one talks to him about how he lives
He thinks that the choices he makes are just his
Doesn't know he's the leader with the way he behaves
And others will follow the choices he's made
He lives on the edge, he's old enough to decide
His brother who wants to be him is just nine
He can do what he wants because it's his right
The choices he makes change a nine-year-old's life
You could be a hero
Heroes do what's right
You could be a hero
You might save a life
You could be a hero, You could join the fight
For what's right, for what's right
No one sits with him, he doesn't fit in
But we feel like we do when we make fun of him
Cause you want to belong, do you go along?
Cause his pain is the price paid for you to belong
It's not like you hate him or want him to die
But maybe he goes home and thinks suicide
Or he comes back to school with a gun at his side
And a kindness from you might have saved his life
Heroes are made when you make a choice
You could be a hero - heroes do what's right
You could be a hero - you might save a life
You could be a hero- you could join the fight
For what's right, for what's right, for what's right
No one talks to her, she feels so alone
She's in too much pain to survive on her own
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife
She writes on her arm and wants to give up her life
Each day she goes on is a day that she's brave
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way
Each moment of courage her on life she saves
When she throws the pills out a hero is made
Heroes are made when you make a choice
You could be a hero - heroes do what's right
You could be a hero - you might save a life
You could be a hero- you could join the fight
For what's right, for what's right, for what's right
You could be a hero - you might save a life
You could be a hero- you could join the fight
For what's right, for what's right, for what's right
No one talks to him about how he lives
He thinks that the choices he makes are just his
Doesn't know he's the leader with the way he behaves
And others will follow the choices he's made
He lives on the edge, he's old enough to decide
His brother who wants to be him is just nine
He can do what he wants because it's his right
The choices he makes change a nine-year-old's life
You could be a hero
Heroes do what's right
You could be a hero
You might save a life
You could be a hero, You could join the fight
For what's right, for what's right
~
Mmm. This song has challenged me for over 2 years now. When I was really struggling with what God was calling me to do, realizing that my home on the East Coast was probably not in the deal...and my music and photography weren't either. One of the hardest decisions of my life.
Then into my life walks a kid we will call Adam.
Now Adam had a few issues, and his family was pretty close with my family. This kid was picked on relentlessly by my church youth group, and took it like a man at the ages of 12-14. Then in fall 2007, as I took over my church's youth band, I began realizing that I was going to need a male voice for the youth band, since my friend be graduating next spring.
Here was the thing, Adam, and another kid we'll call Brett, that picked on Adam, and drove me up the wall like Adam did, were the only two boys in our youth group that could sing.
In my mind, Adam would be... easier.
I went to Adam (without asking the rest of the youth band) and asked him if he wanted to sing for the youth band, and he excitedly turned to his mother... who looked at me in shock. Later, she pulled me aside, and said that I didn't have to do this, Adam had a choir voice, and while the youth band wasn't hardcore, we certainly weren't an organ and harp, ect. When I said I was sure (even though I wasn't, I just didn't want to spend 2 hours of my life every week with Brett), she gave me the biggest smile, and said thank you.
This started something I never imagined. I began working with adam outside of the Band. I was already spending 6 hours of my life a week practicing myself, working on overheads, and getting everyone else ready.
By the beginning of 2008 I was spending around 9 hours a week working with Adam, the band and working practices so that I could get his voice to our level. More then once I was pulled aside by various band members asking me why I put myself through so much. I would shrug my shoulders and bring up Brett (the band didn't like him any more then Adam) and mostly the questions would stop.
I wouldn't ever stick up for him though. I would hold my tongue and never say anything harsh to him, but normally I would get upset about everything he did in practice, and finally, after I had gotten threats of having to fill out some forms, a 4 hour practice, and him breaking an outlet, I got fed up and ready to kick him out of the band.
That next day, I was completely humbled. His mom came to me, and it turned out that Adam had told her about the practice and how frustrated I had been that we had been there so long and not done anything.
She told me that Adam's friends thought he was lying about being in a youth band, because he had a choir voice, and how proud he was to talk about this great highschooler who had asked him to be the lead male vocals the next year...
Then she told me something that changed my entire perspective completely. I will not share it, because it's not mine to tell.
I went out to the parking lot, got into my car, sat at the steering wheel, and cried.
I didn't deserve this boy's admiration. He had been bragging about how great I was, how talented I was, and how nice I was...
And I hadn't ever stood up for him. I was going to change that.
The next performance, I chose my performers for the big gig we had at the end of the year. He was one of my choices. I will never forget his face when I told him I wanted him to sing. You'd have thought that I had just given him a million dollars. He ran off super excited, and all I thought was "Ok God I hope this was the right thing to do..." His mom came around the corner, and hugged me. "thank you, You have no idea what you have just done." I looked at the ecstatic kid behind her and remembered another 13 year old craving acceptance... "actually I think I do," was my response.
After that choice, I began suffering for my choices. There were several members of the band who didn't approve of my choice. Finally, my friend dragged me aside, and asked me why I was putting myself through this... I said there were bigger things going on. By the end of the year, I had one member quit, I had to ask another to leave, and one of my band members was criticizing me for my choices and my no longer allowing them to talk about Adam.
The year went by and the hours increased from 9 to 10 hours. My very last performance, I was on stage, and someone said something to Adam, I had a microphone to my face and I snapped at that person... turns out it was one of my very close friends, who had seen me in a temper before, and knew not to mess with me.
At this point, everyone couldn't figure out why I would let this kid drive me nuts, and still risk my reputation, my sanity and my friendships for this kid. Also during this time, I was dealing with a whole list of other things, including college decisions, a really rocky relationship, my friend and I having a huge fight, and my own issues.
Honestly, I didn't do anything. God granted me so much patience, and I was very humbled throughout this whole thing.
The last time I saw Adam, right before I left for college, I was talking to him about the youth band. I was mentioning that I didn't expect the band to last much longer (it died less then 3 weeks after I left, as far as I know).
He asked me if I was planning to lead it in the summer, and during my breaks. I looked at him and said I thought I couldn't commit to it, because I would have a lot on my plate. He looked very disappointed, and told me how wonderful it had been working with me in it.
His mom came to me, smiled, told me I would be a wonderful addition to MBI Spokane, and thanked me for being her son's hero.
I went home that day and thought..."Hero?"
I was just remembering another 13 year old who was made fun of, and was alone, and told they couldn't do something.
I heard this song a few minutes ago and I thought of Adam.
This is what I have to say...
I was not Adam's hero.
If anything he was mine. He challenged me, humbled me, broke me, and made me think about what was REALLY important.
I'm no hero. But Adam has challenged me to be one. To break away from the crowd and reach out to the losers. I haven't been qualified as a "loser" since I got contacts, my braces off, and grew a bit... as well as learning how to play guitar, and a few other things that were kinda helpful. I was never "cool" either, and I never wanted to be. To this day I am still my oen breed. But, honestly I never wanted to go back to "loser".
I wonder how many "losers" there would be if "winners" or "cool kids" would humble themselves enough to be Heroes.
I know for every Adam, there isn't always someone like me, who God uses their twisted selfish reasons to make something beautiful. There is usually a Brett. There is usually my youth group... and in some cases, my band members. Why are we so concerned with our self image that we miss out on a great kid like Adam?
Several members of the band where talking to me 2 Christmases ago when his mother came up and gave me a christmas present.
The people with me asked me after she left why they didn't get anything.
I didn't answer truthfully. and I should have.
So now I will. It's because Adam knew who was on his side, and who wasn't. More then once he overheard you giving me crap for letting him stay.
Through that I became a hero in his eyes. Now I know my reasons all worked out to God's glory. I needed to realize that I didn't want to be a nomad, and shuffle for the rest of my life... I wanted to be a hero.
So... what about the Adam's in your life??? I've found quite a few.
Are you willing to risk it? You WILL get dirty.
Do you want to be a Hero?
I know I do.
Katydid out.
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