Public Speaking and Other Schpiels.

So has anyone else ever had the experience that a speaker or pastor has you pegged?

I experienced that today in Chapel. Now, God has just been deciding to be really convicting recently and I have been the breaking point several dozen times. Since the beginning of March, God has been revealing things to me that I don't really get, I can't understand and well... you get the idea.  It's God, we are never meant to understand, and as I have said before if you are trying to understand God, count to a Billion, then do that about 80 times. If your head isn't spinning, do it again.

So... to describe this experience to the rest of my audience... Well you know the speaker is pretty good if they can pick you out of a crowd of over 300 people, and then wave to you afterwards like they've know you for your entire life. Also you can tell who they are looking at when someone is faced in the general direction of you.

Honestly You can almost imagine them thinking "God, I found 'em! Now for your message to be declared." meanwhile, you try to make yourself as small as possible, and you can see the excitement in the speakers eyes, and they start thinking "Yep, That's who I need to talk to!" They then spend the rest of the talk flashing you looks that ask "are you listening?" and grin at you mischievously. I seriously think public speakers know the difference between "I don't care what you have to say" posture and "Oh crap, he's on to me" posture.

I think God laughs when this happens. Apart from the fact He set it up.

But enough on that topic. My other Schpiel (I did not invent this word, it just makes me happy) is just the reality of growing a backbone. Being courageous...

I hate being brave... I will fully admit that whole heartedly. I swear I need to stop putting on this front for people that I'm fearless, because I'm not. I just know how to hide it. It's funny... if people really know how much some stuff really SCARES me, and the fact that I smile through the whole thing and act confident, (yay for my stupid silver mask. :p NOT. I really hate that thing.)  I think people get this idea of me that it takes a lot to get me nervous. And all I can think is "ha-ha... you have no idea who I am."

Now where is this coming from? 2 situations today actually. One I won't go into, because it's a long story that I don't want to explain. But the other has to do with the speaker today (See? There is sense in this!).

I ended up not talking to this speaker... and I probably should have. Because his whole message was mostly dedicated to me. And I chickened out.

I think my biggest problem is, I still have my self esteem in the dirt from past experiences (mainly from the past 1 1/2 years). I still have this stupid reasoning inside of me that says "you are not worth people's time." As a result when I think that someone is... mmm... how do I say this? Higher... possibly... no. Pardon me while I think about this... Maybe I should consult my dictionary...

The lame word is "better", but I don't want to use that... because it's not the word I'm thinking of. But I can't fine the word I'm looking for...so we'll be lame and just go with that.

So whenever I dumb myself down, and put people somewhere where they don't belong, and don't talk because I don't think that they will listen, I don't have their full attention... they won't care etc. What exactly am I doing? (not the right thing would be the correct answer).

Here's the thing for me, I regret it when I open my mouth and I regret it when I keep it shut. So not talking certainly doesn't work, but the fact that I sometimes don't shut up isn't good either.

So once again... I'm a walking Oxymoron. Fun. Or as my pastor says "Fine, fine, whatever, Fine".

One of the things that has really been hitting me lately is I understand why I want to be with certain people, but I can't understand how they could ever want to be around. I could list my faults from now until Christmas, because it's a little black dragon that is always fighting me and nibbling on my ear (I'm not sure if I've mentioned my dragon analogy before, but today is my 50th post (!), so I'm going to pretend that I have and move on.) that I've been dealing with since I became a Christian 3 years ago. It's a battle I am always struggling with. Even with God.

I'm always asking myself why God would try to use me, when I'm a broken insecure little girl, far from home, totally confused, OCD about all the wrong things, and unsure of what to do.

About Saturday night, I was dealing with one of my... moments, I guess of these, and just my inadequacy, my own stupid... yeah... We'll just leave it with stupid.

I just remember thinking God putting this thought into my head:

"Okay Dummy, I died for you. And get this straight, I will do it again JUST for YOU. So don't you dare try to think that you aren't worth it to me. Second of all, you can't do it on your own, so I will carry you through it. If it's not hard for you I wouldn't be needed. You need me. Third, stop thinking yourself not worthy of other people, If I am the God over ALL creation (do you realize how big that is?) and I love you jealously, and I know EVERYTHING about you, why in the world do you think these people wouldn't want to be with you? Why would any of them give you a second look? Because they see me in you. That's why. They see what I treasure, you. My beloved, beautiful, Daughter."

God calls me out on a lot. Just saying. (For those of you that can't imagine God calling someone a "dummy", just insert "foolish one" for your pleasure, that's what He called us in the Bible, and in all reality, it's the same thing only in my daily language.)

So... Maybe I'm not the only one struggling with this. I have to admit, I've been thinking about my blog and questioning about everything I write on here. I'm not going to go out on a limb and dare to say that I'm changing peoples lives. That's God's job to do something through me.

I think the biggest thing for me is that you all know (I don't know who flipping reads this anyway, but I hope you are entertained by my sarcasm, irony, and my confusion, and I hope you learn something, because I sure do.) that this isn't for the world. Yeah, it's out there, but in all reality the only reason it is, is in the hopes that maybe somewhere, I can share my story and my struggles, and I can help someone... from my own little computer screen...

Let me give this to you straight. I love being broken. Don't get me wrong, it sucks, and it hurts and there are some days when I look and wonder what God could possibly do with the mess He has.

But the thing is, God is giving us more then we could ever imagine. It's true for all of us.

What can we do? Well, we get up, move on and trust. Because God's work is greater and more beautiful then anything we could ever imagine.

The truth is, we will never be good enough... But God MAKES us good enough.

Katydid out.