Three Steps Forward Two Steps Back...

There are very few things that are more frustrating then the act of being humbled.

I mean, here I am a senior in College (FINALLY) I have just pulled off my best academic semester I have had at Moody... I'm not heavily involved in any school groups because I don't like how my school puts some of them in the spotlight... I'm a Youth ministry major, I have a lot of friends, I have phenomenal housemates....

Yet... this semester has been the toughest semester I have ever had in my life. I have felt so drained. So exhausted. Even as I type I have just spent the last hour lying in my bed trying to rest, because I'm so emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally exhausted.

So a few days ago I decided that I should figure out why I'm exhausted. These are the options I came up with:

• I have written over 100 pages of homework this semester.
• Apart from having a 15 credit class load I have had to read a book a week for my Literature Class. and take 2-5 hour long tests. 
• My Boyfriend and I had a really tough semester, just being together and learning where we are with God. 
• My computer is completely broken and I have to borrow other people's computers. 
• My spiritual walk has been falling apart, because I have put school before God. 
• I haven't taken a Sabbath all semester.

Believe it or not, by the end of my list, I realize that it was the last two that are really the cause of my problem. I have been so upset that God hasn't been close... but I haven't taken any time to listen. The last time I was still and not sleeping, was this summer. I have not slowed down. I've always prided myself on being someone who is the person who takes the time to enjoy little things. I haven't been doing that at all. My life is just like a highway going by the car window, and God is slowing getting farther and farther away in the rearview mirror. 

I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. My whole semester I have been so horrible. Acting like I have known everything. Pretending that I am okay. Being so... arrogant. So proud. 

I spent my day yesterday realizing that I am worse then I make myself out to be. I have been seeing myself as something that I am not. 

This is not fun. My dear friend Zoe and I were talking about it last night (over a four hour skype conversation) and she said she has been learning the same thing. God is the one who knows what is best. NOT me (as much as I would like to think) NOT Zoe... just because we want the best for someone, doesn't mean we should assume that we are right. 

It's funny. Every time I feel I start getting closer to God, He reveals more and more of my character to me, and I find out that I really am changing. But I still have a long way to go. This is the explanation for my title. Right now it feels like where I am. But I think that I'm just in one of the low places. maybe soon it will be high again, but for now, I need to put God back into the center of my life, instead of myself.


hopefully I'll be posting more, but those are my thoughts for now.

Katydid out. 

Honestly?

So this is me on my soap box. I'm not trying to offend anyone but this is something that has been on my heart this entire semester. But, no one reads my ranting anyways, so hopefully this just goes into the "internet void" and I never hear anything about this subject again.

I was sitting in Chapel yesterday, and I was watching all the people sitting around me. Some were raising their hands, some were standing still, some were sitting, and some were leading worship. at first I rejoiced at the cooperate worship. Then a dark thought, that is always at the back of my mind came rearing it's ugly head.

How much of this is real? How many of us are really worshiping and how much is just an act? Are the people leading worship really into this or is it all just a show? are all the people raising their hands judging the ones that aren't and vice versa? Is the person who dances every song really meaning it? Is there anything beyond the surface?

I mean here I am worshiping, and I have this terrible feeling that there might be something much deeper here. and I want to say something, but I feel that I can't.

HOW MANY OF US FEEL LIKE I DO? THAT THIS WHOLE THING IS A FAKE?

Maybe it's only me, but I feel that more people are pretending that they are okay, and they are standing in chapel and their hearts are breaking. They are falling apart on the inside and putting up their masks. How many more have to pretend? Why can't we all be honest with each other? This IS a christian school for heavens sake....

Why can't we say when people ask us how we are say "honestly... i'm struggling..."

Why can't we be real?

Katydid out.