Three Steps Forward Two Steps Back...

There are very few things that are more frustrating then the act of being humbled.

I mean, here I am a senior in College (FINALLY) I have just pulled off my best academic semester I have had at Moody... I'm not heavily involved in any school groups because I don't like how my school puts some of them in the spotlight... I'm a Youth ministry major, I have a lot of friends, I have phenomenal housemates....

Yet... this semester has been the toughest semester I have ever had in my life. I have felt so drained. So exhausted. Even as I type I have just spent the last hour lying in my bed trying to rest, because I'm so emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally exhausted.

So a few days ago I decided that I should figure out why I'm exhausted. These are the options I came up with:

• I have written over 100 pages of homework this semester.
• Apart from having a 15 credit class load I have had to read a book a week for my Literature Class. and take 2-5 hour long tests. 
• My Boyfriend and I had a really tough semester, just being together and learning where we are with God. 
• My computer is completely broken and I have to borrow other people's computers. 
• My spiritual walk has been falling apart, because I have put school before God. 
• I haven't taken a Sabbath all semester.

Believe it or not, by the end of my list, I realize that it was the last two that are really the cause of my problem. I have been so upset that God hasn't been close... but I haven't taken any time to listen. The last time I was still and not sleeping, was this summer. I have not slowed down. I've always prided myself on being someone who is the person who takes the time to enjoy little things. I haven't been doing that at all. My life is just like a highway going by the car window, and God is slowing getting farther and farther away in the rearview mirror. 

I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. My whole semester I have been so horrible. Acting like I have known everything. Pretending that I am okay. Being so... arrogant. So proud. 

I spent my day yesterday realizing that I am worse then I make myself out to be. I have been seeing myself as something that I am not. 

This is not fun. My dear friend Zoe and I were talking about it last night (over a four hour skype conversation) and she said she has been learning the same thing. God is the one who knows what is best. NOT me (as much as I would like to think) NOT Zoe... just because we want the best for someone, doesn't mean we should assume that we are right. 

It's funny. Every time I feel I start getting closer to God, He reveals more and more of my character to me, and I find out that I really am changing. But I still have a long way to go. This is the explanation for my title. Right now it feels like where I am. But I think that I'm just in one of the low places. maybe soon it will be high again, but for now, I need to put God back into the center of my life, instead of myself.


hopefully I'll be posting more, but those are my thoughts for now.

Katydid out.