Three Steps Forward Two Steps Back...

There are very few things that are more frustrating then the act of being humbled.

I mean, here I am a senior in College (FINALLY) I have just pulled off my best academic semester I have had at Moody... I'm not heavily involved in any school groups because I don't like how my school puts some of them in the spotlight... I'm a Youth ministry major, I have a lot of friends, I have phenomenal housemates....

Yet... this semester has been the toughest semester I have ever had in my life. I have felt so drained. So exhausted. Even as I type I have just spent the last hour lying in my bed trying to rest, because I'm so emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally exhausted.

So a few days ago I decided that I should figure out why I'm exhausted. These are the options I came up with:

• I have written over 100 pages of homework this semester.
• Apart from having a 15 credit class load I have had to read a book a week for my Literature Class. and take 2-5 hour long tests. 
• My Boyfriend and I had a really tough semester, just being together and learning where we are with God. 
• My computer is completely broken and I have to borrow other people's computers. 
• My spiritual walk has been falling apart, because I have put school before God. 
• I haven't taken a Sabbath all semester.

Believe it or not, by the end of my list, I realize that it was the last two that are really the cause of my problem. I have been so upset that God hasn't been close... but I haven't taken any time to listen. The last time I was still and not sleeping, was this summer. I have not slowed down. I've always prided myself on being someone who is the person who takes the time to enjoy little things. I haven't been doing that at all. My life is just like a highway going by the car window, and God is slowing getting farther and farther away in the rearview mirror. 

I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. My whole semester I have been so horrible. Acting like I have known everything. Pretending that I am okay. Being so... arrogant. So proud. 

I spent my day yesterday realizing that I am worse then I make myself out to be. I have been seeing myself as something that I am not. 

This is not fun. My dear friend Zoe and I were talking about it last night (over a four hour skype conversation) and she said she has been learning the same thing. God is the one who knows what is best. NOT me (as much as I would like to think) NOT Zoe... just because we want the best for someone, doesn't mean we should assume that we are right. 

It's funny. Every time I feel I start getting closer to God, He reveals more and more of my character to me, and I find out that I really am changing. But I still have a long way to go. This is the explanation for my title. Right now it feels like where I am. But I think that I'm just in one of the low places. maybe soon it will be high again, but for now, I need to put God back into the center of my life, instead of myself.


hopefully I'll be posting more, but those are my thoughts for now.

Katydid out. 

Honestly?

So this is me on my soap box. I'm not trying to offend anyone but this is something that has been on my heart this entire semester. But, no one reads my ranting anyways, so hopefully this just goes into the "internet void" and I never hear anything about this subject again.

I was sitting in Chapel yesterday, and I was watching all the people sitting around me. Some were raising their hands, some were standing still, some were sitting, and some were leading worship. at first I rejoiced at the cooperate worship. Then a dark thought, that is always at the back of my mind came rearing it's ugly head.

How much of this is real? How many of us are really worshiping and how much is just an act? Are the people leading worship really into this or is it all just a show? are all the people raising their hands judging the ones that aren't and vice versa? Is the person who dances every song really meaning it? Is there anything beyond the surface?

I mean here I am worshiping, and I have this terrible feeling that there might be something much deeper here. and I want to say something, but I feel that I can't.

HOW MANY OF US FEEL LIKE I DO? THAT THIS WHOLE THING IS A FAKE?

Maybe it's only me, but I feel that more people are pretending that they are okay, and they are standing in chapel and their hearts are breaking. They are falling apart on the inside and putting up their masks. How many more have to pretend? Why can't we all be honest with each other? This IS a christian school for heavens sake....

Why can't we say when people ask us how we are say "honestly... i'm struggling..."

Why can't we be real?

Katydid out.

My life as a learning insect....

I just remembered i didn't give my word picture of Secondyear...

So for your enjoyment...

Fall 10-Spring 11

Fish, Challenging, beautiful, twists and turns, the meaning of hallelujah, Dares, freedom, escape, betrayal, safety, longing, prayer, Biscotti's, avoiding gossip, longing for Zoe, tough breaks, anonymity, pixar, superheroes, running, lost love, adventures,  first love, the true definition of beauty, grace, hope, Scripture, Romans, Paul,  Formal, long phone calls, skype, desiring to be honest, reality, desire, lust, forgiveness, patience, histories, "Oh My Dear", Schneider, Cultural Anthropology, Sunrise, Music, worship, children's voice's, desiring to leave, breaking out, turning down seemingly beneficial opportunities, Joy, Laughter, Inkdeath, Arianna, inspiration, exhaustion, Faith and Learning, struggling, even more popcorn, meteor showers, stargazing, fireworks, Gwen's advice of the day, new adventures, frustration, anger, peace, service, sorrow, Armstrong, life, death, discovering courage, the idea of encouragement, the power of forgiveness, the definition of worship, first dances, discovering God's jealousy, Rice, basements, slaying dragons, breadsticks, clue, bathrooms, parents, closets, mothers, fathers, family, first kisses, white flowers, water lilies, Screwtape, Narnia, Jack, Zoe, Ophelia, streams, rivers, breaking into parks, Manito, potatoes, Free-flow, Australia, Islam, CWC, the definition of a man, and the place of a woman, failing to find chinese, kettle cooked cheddar chips, gummy worms, scrabble cheese itz, Sisters, loving life, hating life, struggles with roommates, wanting more, fading away, finding candles, lighting the match, hoping for better, desiring someone, writing, hiding, hoping, trying to be real, being compared, being rejected, wanting love, quality time, physical touch, loving gifts, crazy mother, nutella, bread, food, soup, corn, fruit, failure, sermons, papers, Life of Christ, New Zealand, finding, commitment, stupidity, lack of knowledge, finding wolves, Space, perseverance, trials, simplicity, humility, idolatry's strengths, deceptions pull, everything had a purpose, People are crazy,  I love my boyfriend, God is my Father,  forever, no matter what, Christianity is not a popular choice, life is hard but good, God is not safe, but He is good. Forever.

I will never truly learn myself. I never expected to learn this much this year... and this is only what I can put down... there are even more lessons to be learned...

John 21.25 says: Now there are also many other things that Jesus did. Were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written.

I'm pretty sure this goes for the lessons he teaches as well.

I pray that he teaches even more songs in the days to come.

Katydid out. 

Speechless

Yesterday was one of those days that was completely mind-blowingly GOD-filled.

Oh my life... Ridiculous.

I just moved out of the house I had been living in for two years, this June, so a little over 2 months ago. This house has done so much for my Spiritual walk, it has been crazy. The people in it have been a true blessing to my life.

I really am just stumbling all over myself right now staring at this blog trying to figure out what to say that can tell you all how completely speechless I am about this whole mess. How I can even venture to explain what I have been learning... how He loves me so much.... and I feel so foolish, because I have always felt that words would not be able to fail me here on earth when describing myself. Now I have no idea how to deal with His grace is just blowing my mind out of proportions. Not even thought to be physically possible.

And I still feel like a fool.

there are so many songs that try to capture what I am attempting to proclaim and declare to you... and I am failing.

I did finally realize what I want to say.

I have learned that joy truly does overflow. It is contagious, it's ridiculous. It WILL never make ANY sense. Because God is bigger then we can ever imagine. 


 Life is good.

Katydid out. 

Genuine...

This is a little song I WAS writing and gave up on. Putting words to music and music to words are kinda difficult for me but that's another story. I gave up and just made it a prayer



Father help me to be Genuine in everything I do,
Help me to keep my eyes constantly fixed on you
Let my joy be full,
Let my love be real,
Just please oh, Lord, keep nearer still.

that's all I have to say for now.

Katydid out 

Dear Christianity...

Today is one of those days that I wish Christianity were not called Christianity. I am completely ashamed of the religion that has really take over the name of Christ. Just a bunch of rules and show, and it's completely frustrating. I hate how we have taken it and made it a completely laughable faith. We have neglected God, neglected the purpose, the reason, the leader, of our lives, and made him into a show. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a circus, a bunch of wanna be freaks.

We argue theology with each other, we argue points, we argue over worthless bits of doctrine that don't matter in salvation, and we set up all these rules and regulations and try to be our little perfect Christian bubble. We act perfect. We make ourselves seem like good Christians.

And then we leave our little church building and drag His name through the dirt, acting like no one else is watching. We fill our facebooks, our emails, our time with things that are not worth devoting our time too.

We fake pray because we feel like we have to. We make the Bible a textbook, a chore and lose the wonder of it...

Then there are the "rebels" The ones who make themselves different so that "non-Christians" can realize that Christianity isn't a bunch of rules... so we can act however we want, we can be a horrible example, allow people to continue living in our sin... and then judge the church folks. Because the "rebels" are more accepting then the "church people" except to "church people".

And then we call the rest of the world hard-hearted?

I'm not leaving myself out of this. I am one of those horrible hypocrites. I don't get everything right all the time, I've been this person. Recently, I was presented with my own faults. I have been attempting to find a happy medium between the two so I can show the world that TRUE Christianity is a minority. Just because someone says they stand for Jesus doesn't mean that they truly do.

Christians of the world... or even just the people reading this... whoever you are. WHY ARE WE ACTING SO FOOLISH?

To the rest of the world. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry we've made this wonderful truth seem like a complete joke. I'm sorry that we have shown you prime examples of how to not follow Christ. I'm sorry we haven't shown you that our God that we make a joke out of and constantly fail, is more amazing then you could ever imagine. I'm sorry we've stuffed it down your throats thinking of you as nothing but numbers in our Christianity points files, and not following up and teaching you how to love, and how Christ meant this to work. I'm sorry that we are so stupid and make you feel like the idiots, and that we just tell you the rules, and the doctrine and not the hope, and the purpose. I'm sorry that we have pushed you away, lead you astray and not shown you His love.

I wish I could fix it all. It breaks my heart that I can't. I don't even know how... but He still has a purpose. And that keeps me going.

Katydid out.

Bread Bread Bread and more Bread.

Today I baked my first loaf of bread ever.

It was a FOUR HOUR LONG PROCESS. Completely ridiculous. First you have to warm the liquid ingredients in a saucepan, on LOW, which is completely dumb. It takes a minimum of 15 minutes. While that is going, you combine the dry ingredients. when the wet stuff is finally done, you fight the sticky mass adding more flour until it actually looks somewhat edible. Playing with the sticky mass just made me feel like I was a child again, playing with Gak, or Play-dough. (Gak for those of you that have no idea what I am talking about is a mixture of liquid starch,  glue, and food colouring, it's a rubbery, smooth texture)

Then you knead it for half and hour by hand because my book said that it produces better bread then a dough hook. (Which I don't have anyways) Then you have to let it rise for an hour. When you are waiting for bread, this might as well be an eternity. Then when it's finally risen, you take it out, roll it into a frenzy put it into the pan(s) and wait ANOTHER hour. Finally you get to put on the glaze that makes it crusty, and then you put it in for... yep you guessed it another hour. I got a lot of cleaning and dishes done today. Until the bread came out of the oven that is.

Finally it was finished. It didn't look pretty but it was DELICIOUS.

All of my grousing aside, I had a ton of fun actually making it, even though it tested my patience. I have never had bread made like this before, and was pretty excited about it.

I was pretty satisfied with my results, as I hate white bread with a passion, and this was honestly the best white bread I have ever had. I'm really excited about eating it again tomorrow with/ for breakfast.

It's really interesting to me that this bread is actually healthier for you then store bought because it doesn't have preservatives that store bought bread has to keep it fresh for more then a week. So my bread doesn't keep forever, but it's a ton better for you then that kind of bread because... Well one, you actually know what the heck is in it. But it has no chemicals that "preserve" it and cause use a whole lot of trouble.

I also learned that egg yolks and water make bread crusty and how you know when bread is finished it sounds hollow when you tap it.

Results of my lessons? I got two (well, after my boyfriend was done with it 1.5) loaves of wonderful bread. Makes me happy. Even if it did take most of my day.

So ultimate life lesson of the day: Hard work DOES pay off. In the Kitchen it's a little more obvious and delicious though. ;)

Katydid out. 

Words to Speak?

Today has been a GOOD Day.

My Church had a baptism today. Three of the Youth group kids got baptized. Plus 1 other younger boy, and one of my co-leaders For Youth group, his mother, and one of my schoolmates.

I'm not going into my whole opinion of baptism, because my whole point of this blog is not to create controversy and to flaunt my opinion.

It was a beautiful thing for me to see. I haven't seen a baptism that large before, and it made my heart glad. Then my church made so much food it was crazy. We do mainly do three things at sunrise. 1. Pray 2. Get into scripture. 3. fellowship... through eating.

Seriously. I have never met a group of Christians who eats as much as we do. As a cook myself, I love making food for these people. It's such a fun way to serve, and to get new recipes. :)

Anyway, off the food. We all were at a lake, and it was wonderfully, deliciously cool water, on a gorgeous, clear blue sky-ed day. So wonderful. It makes you want to join in right?

Then I came home, and went about my normal sunday routine (Except I was so full from lunch I didn't make dinner.)  and I have been thinking about how I would describe how I feel about today.

It came to my attention that today was just... so full of... Jesus, that I can't even describe it.

I was sitting on my bed mulling over my thoughts, when this song came on:

Calloused and bruised
dazed and confused
My Spirit is left wanting something more
Than my selfish hopes
and my selfish dreams
I'm lying with my face down to the floor
I'm crying out for more (crying out for more)

Chorus:
Give me Words to speak
Don't let my Spirit sleep
Cause I can't think of anything worth saying
But I know that I owe You my life
So give me Words to speak
Don't let my Spirit sleep

Every night, every day
I find that I have nothing left to say
So I stand here in silence awaiting Your guidance
I'm wanting only Your voice to be heard
Let them be Your Words
Let them be Your words

(chorus)

I just don't understand this life that I've been living
I just don't understand (x2)
I just don't understand these lies I've been believing
I just don't understand (x2)

(chorus x2)

I know that I owe you my life
Owe my life
Owe my life
(x2)

Perfect. 

I really can't think about anything else to say. I don't understand. Jesus, please give me words to show the world how GOOD you really are. You are so indescribable... and sometimes that frustrates me. 

But I guess that's a good thing when you think about it. Maybe the reason I can't know God the full complete way I want to is because He WANTS us to be completely speechless. 

As usual, I've given myself more to think about then I thought. Hm. 

~Katydid out. 

Relationship lessons

Hello Again World! It's been a while...

Wow... another year of my schooling has drawn to a close and I for some reason looked at this blog. I planned on actually updating this thing more, but this year has been very busy.

Anyway, I would like to you bring you guys up to speed in my life. I have never talked on this specific topic before, so... here goes.

I've been dating the most incredible guy for the past nine months (as of June second). You'd think life would be easy? huh. Me too. But... Nope. Dating is HARD.

Most people would argue with that. Dating is the easy part of a relationship right? I mean, it's the romancing, the pursuing, the everything is beautiful and wonderful and perfect right? it's the easy part... or it should be... shouldn't it?

Our relationship started out pretty perfect... or so I thought, we were friends for 6 months before we even talked about dating, and then didn't date for another month, until after he called my parents, asked me, we never had the giddy in love "oh he/she is completely perfect" etc, stage. We are best friends. We had a realistic relationship. I met his parents, he met my parents... we didn't start kissing until after he met my parents (8 months in)... so we have a seemingly perfect foundation for a relationship right?

Here are some things that factor into our relationship that i didn't realize played as much into it as I thought at first. First of all. I'm 19 (almost 20). This is my first boyfriend, and I had no idea what it means to be in a relationship. I expect men to lead. He is 24 (as of April), he's dated other girls, and he had no idea what it was to be in a Godly relationship.

So how did this make our relationship hard?

Simple, we thought it would be easy.

Here are my ideas of dating/courting/whatever you call it- it is a time that is dedicated to seeing if you could actually marry this person that you are [insert relationship word here]. I've read tons of psychology books on the whole idea of the emotional, twitterpated "in love" stage, (one thing my boyfriend and I thankfully never went through) and how it is not supposed to be the foundation of the relationship, only the start.

There is a problem though, so many of us, in the christian world, think that dating and, horrifyingly, even marriage, should be easy. I mean, we think committing ourselves to another person is supposed to be easy from the get go right?

Well, as an answer, I'll give you bits of my story.

Almost 3 weeks into our relationship, I finally accepted the idea of dating. I was determined to be single until my senior year of high-school, and here at Moody, it's a crazy contagious disease when it comes to relationships, (some people tell me that using the word disease gives it a negative connotation, but I digress. I think it is very accurate.)  so I felt so much pressure when I was here to be in a relationship. Not from my boyfriend, or my family, but from my schoolmates. Plus, I think several people were pretty shocked when he and I actually started dating. Due to some... issues, I was very private about our friendship, and suddenly going "public" was kinda nerve wracking for me. To be honest, I was completely terrified. Here I was, going into this new adventure, my two best girlfriends in two other time zones, with my best friend... how mortifying.

For someone who likes to be left alone, it's not very fun to suddenly be in the "dating" spotlight. I have a fear of spotlights. I like public speaking, but I am not a fan of being the person people are watching, talking about... the girl everyone knows... I don't want to be that person, as a result I will hide my talents (which irritates my boyfriend) and do what I can to not be noticed.

So on top of that, add a time-sucking internship. This is what my boyfriend had until recently. For the first 8 months of our relationship, I basically spent a ton of time feeling like a support beam, and completely alone, because of my boyfriend putting about 40 hours of work in for an unpaid job. As a quality time person, having him be gone 40 hours a week was okay, but on top of that 16 hours of school, about that much time for homework, 30 hours of sleeping... and he loved the people involved with it, so dearly. they became a second family. I was in a sense, put on the back burner. Yes, we still saw each other almost every day, but because of his inability to speak my love language constantly, the few moments we had that he was focused and giving me time in his day were few and far between. As a result even the time we spent together didn't really mean much, since he was distracted, or we were doing homework, or something. Because of this, I felt like I didn't matter, and I was just sitting there waiting until he actually wanted to be with me.

I remember crying out to God, and just asking Him why I felt so alone. if anything I sought him more then I ever had before, because I was so sure I was doing something wrong. I couldn't figure out why my boyfriend was completely happy with our relationship and secure, and I felt just as alone with him as without and that I couldn't talk to him anymore, I watched as the stress from this job began slowly destroying his relationships with God, fellow students, his housemates, and myself, and he began changing, becoming much more distracted, irritable, and just... not himself.  I wondered what happened. Had I made a mistake? Was this my fault?

Then came more problems. People close to him just didn't approve of me. I had several people make comments to me about my boyfriends and my relationship that made me cry later when I was alone. Including from his second family and his direct family. And again I was weeping to God. Why? What had I done to deserve this? Did I make a mistake? Maybe I wasn't supposed to date this guy...? How could it be possible that through all this crap, that this is what God really wants?

I asked myself those questions for 8 long months. praying for an answer. for something. Was I doing the right thing committing to him? Was fulfilling my promise that the first guy I dated would be my husband actually the right thing to do? I slowly became more bitter, distant to him and less willing to do things with him, and spent a lot of time with other girls, building up a support system, just in case he broke up with me, something that I was convinced he was going to do. Even though he told me at least once a day that he loved me and he didn't want to break up with me.

Finally in April, I broke down. My family was staying in a hotel, and he and I were watching a movie with my sister, and he got irritated at me, and I went into the bathroom and just cried. I couldn't stop. my mom came in and talked with me for a bit and cried with me, then she left and he came in, and I told him I couldn't do this for the rest of my life. And for the next 4 and half hours we started the first of a long series of talks that would start healing. We began teaching him how to speak my love language.

My sister answered all of my questions for me. She said that "They must belong together, because Satan is trying so hard to tear them apart."

My sister is wiser then I am.

Since that night, I have had at least five or six similar breakdowns (most of them in May), but finally we have reached a sturdy ground again. We're actually leaving for Maryland tomorrow, and I'm not all there yet, but I'm more secure in our relationship then I have ever been.

So now that I am done with my story and I've probably lost some of you because this thing is so long, I come to the point of this post.

The main thing I got out of this is the importance of commitment.

The Bible talks about two people becoming one flesh (Genesis 2.23-25). and I've had conversations on what this means.

It means that two people are committed to each other for life, no matter what. It's like the vows say: "For better or worse, richer or poorer, Sickness and in health, till death do us part."

Since then my boyfriend has told this story to several people. One of our professors was impressed with the fact that I stayed through this entire process. Most women in my position would have left (whether married or not!) This is not a pride trip for myself. I was astounded that people actually were surprised.

Where is the commitment? Why are we wondering why there are no marriages surviving, when people aren't honoring their commitments. it breaks my heart that even in the Christian world, this idea of commitment surprises us. It is truly rare. And it should not be rare!

Relationships are hard. You have to work on them. And the more you work on your relationship with God, the easier it becomes to love even in the hard times. Through the past 9 months I have learned to Love, Honor and Cherish in worse, poorer and in sorrow, and pain. It's not easy. Not by a long shot. But it's worth it. Every second. Now that I am here, I can see that. I have such a beautiful relationship with God... and I can (and can't) wait for the next step in life with my boyfriend. Life is filled with hard lessons. But I think I was blessed in the fact that I learned this lesson so young. I hope you can learn from my new-found wisdom, and I pray that He draws you to Himself more.

He is my love my life, my light and my Salvation, my Lord and my God...
With him I will never grow weary and I will always press on...

~katydid out.