Hello Again World! It's been a while...
Wow... another year of my schooling has drawn to a close and I for some reason looked at this blog. I planned on actually updating this thing more, but this year has been very busy.
Anyway, I would like to you bring you guys up to speed in my life. I have never talked on this specific topic before, so... here goes.
I've been dating the most incredible guy for the past nine months (as of June second). You'd think life would be easy? huh. Me too. But... Nope. Dating is HARD.
Most people would argue with that. Dating is the easy part of a relationship right? I mean, it's the romancing, the pursuing, the everything is beautiful and wonderful and perfect right? it's the easy part... or it should be... shouldn't it?
Our relationship started out pretty perfect... or so I thought, we were friends for 6 months before we even talked about dating, and then didn't date for another month, until after he called my parents, asked me, we never had the giddy in love "oh he/she is completely perfect" etc, stage. We are best friends. We had a realistic relationship. I met his parents, he met my parents... we didn't start kissing until after he met my parents (8 months in)... so we have a seemingly perfect foundation for a relationship right?
Here are some things that factor into our relationship that i didn't realize played as much into it as I thought at first. First of all. I'm 19 (almost 20). This is my first boyfriend, and I had no idea what it means to be in a relationship. I expect men to lead. He is 24 (as of April), he's dated other girls, and he had no idea what it was to be in a Godly relationship.
So how did this make our relationship hard?
Simple, we thought it would be easy.
Here are my ideas of dating/courting/whatever you call it- it is a time that is dedicated to seeing if you could actually marry this person that you are [insert relationship word here]. I've read tons of psychology books on the whole idea of the emotional, twitterpated "in love" stage, (one thing my boyfriend and I thankfully never went through) and how it is not supposed to be the foundation of the relationship, only the start.
There is a problem though, so many of us, in the christian world, think that dating and, horrifyingly, even marriage, should be easy. I mean, we think committing ourselves to another person is supposed to be easy from the get go right?
Well, as an answer, I'll give you bits of my story.
Almost 3 weeks into our relationship, I finally accepted the idea of dating. I was determined to be single until my senior year of high-school, and here at Moody, it's a crazy contagious disease when it comes to relationships, (some people tell me that using the word disease gives it a negative connotation, but I digress. I think it is very accurate.) so I felt so much pressure when I was here to be in a relationship. Not from my boyfriend, or my family, but from my schoolmates. Plus, I think several people were pretty shocked when he and I actually started dating. Due to some... issues, I was very private about our friendship, and suddenly going "public" was kinda nerve wracking for me. To be honest, I was completely terrified. Here I was, going into this new adventure, my two best girlfriends in two other time zones, with my best friend... how mortifying.
For someone who likes to be left alone, it's not very fun to suddenly be in the "dating" spotlight. I have a fear of spotlights. I like public speaking, but I am not a fan of being the person people are watching, talking about... the girl everyone knows... I don't want to be that person, as a result I will hide my talents (which irritates my boyfriend) and do what I can to not be noticed.
So on top of that, add a time-sucking internship. This is what my boyfriend had until recently. For the first 8 months of our relationship, I basically spent a ton of time feeling like a support beam, and completely alone, because of my boyfriend putting about 40 hours of work in for an unpaid job. As a quality time person, having him be gone 40 hours a week was okay, but on top of that 16 hours of school, about that much time for homework, 30 hours of sleeping... and he loved the people involved with it, so dearly. they became a second family. I was in a sense, put on the back burner. Yes, we still saw each other almost every day, but because of his inability to speak my love language constantly, the few moments we had that he was focused and giving me time in his day were few and far between. As a result even the time we spent together didn't really mean much, since he was distracted, or we were doing homework, or something. Because of this, I felt like I didn't matter, and I was just sitting there waiting until he actually wanted to be with me.
I remember crying out to God, and just asking Him why I felt so alone. if anything I sought him more then I ever had before, because I was so sure I was doing something wrong. I couldn't figure out why my boyfriend was completely happy with our relationship and secure, and I felt just as alone with him as without and that I couldn't talk to him anymore, I watched as the stress from this job began slowly destroying his relationships with God, fellow students, his housemates, and myself, and he began changing, becoming much more distracted, irritable, and just... not himself. I wondered what happened. Had I made a mistake? Was this my fault?
Then came more problems. People close to him just didn't approve of me. I had several people make comments to me about my boyfriends and my relationship that made me cry later when I was alone. Including from his second family and his direct family. And again I was weeping to God. Why? What had I done to deserve this? Did I make a mistake? Maybe I wasn't supposed to date this guy...? How could it be possible that through all this crap, that this is what God really wants?
I asked myself those questions for 8 long months. praying for an answer. for something. Was I doing the right thing committing to him? Was fulfilling my promise that the first guy I dated would be my husband actually the right thing to do? I slowly became more bitter, distant to him and less willing to do things with him, and spent a lot of time with other girls, building up a support system, just in case he broke up with me, something that I was convinced he was going to do. Even though he told me at least once a day that he loved me and he didn't want to break up with me.
Finally in April, I broke down. My family was staying in a hotel, and he and I were watching a movie with my sister, and he got irritated at me, and I went into the bathroom and just cried. I couldn't stop. my mom came in and talked with me for a bit and cried with me, then she left and he came in, and I told him I couldn't do this for the rest of my life. And for the next 4 and half hours we started the first of a long series of talks that would start healing. We began teaching him how to speak my love language.
My sister answered all of my questions for me. She said that "They must belong together, because Satan is trying so hard to tear them apart."
My sister is wiser then I am.
Since that night, I have had at least five or six similar breakdowns (most of them in May), but finally we have reached a sturdy ground again. We're actually leaving for Maryland tomorrow, and I'm not all there yet, but I'm more secure in our relationship then I have ever been.
So now that I am done with my story and I've probably lost some of you because this thing is so long, I come to the point of this post.
The main thing I got out of this is the importance of commitment.
The Bible talks about two people becoming one flesh (Genesis 2.23-25). and I've had conversations on what this means.
It means that two people are committed to each other for life, no matter what. It's like the vows say: "For better or worse, richer or poorer, Sickness and in health, till death do us part."
Since then my boyfriend has told this story to several people. One of our professors was impressed with the fact that I stayed through this entire process. Most women in my position would have left (whether married or not!) This is not a pride trip for myself. I was astounded that people actually were surprised.
Where is the commitment? Why are we wondering why there are no marriages surviving, when people aren't honoring their commitments. it breaks my heart that even in the Christian world, this idea of commitment surprises us. It is truly rare. And it should not be rare!
Relationships are hard. You have to work on them. And the more you work on your relationship with God, the easier it becomes to love even in the hard times. Through the past 9 months I have learned to Love, Honor and Cherish in worse, poorer and in sorrow, and pain. It's not easy. Not by a long shot. But it's worth it. Every second. Now that I am here, I can see that. I have such a beautiful relationship with God... and I can (and can't) wait for the next step in life with my boyfriend. Life is filled with hard lessons. But I think I was blessed in the fact that I learned this lesson so young. I hope you can learn from my new-found wisdom, and I pray that He draws you to Himself more.
He is my love my life, my light and my Salvation, my Lord and my God...
With him I will never grow weary and I will always press on...
~katydid out.
Wow... another year of my schooling has drawn to a close and I for some reason looked at this blog. I planned on actually updating this thing more, but this year has been very busy.
Anyway, I would like to you bring you guys up to speed in my life. I have never talked on this specific topic before, so... here goes.
I've been dating the most incredible guy for the past nine months (as of June second). You'd think life would be easy? huh. Me too. But... Nope. Dating is HARD.
Most people would argue with that. Dating is the easy part of a relationship right? I mean, it's the romancing, the pursuing, the everything is beautiful and wonderful and perfect right? it's the easy part... or it should be... shouldn't it?
Our relationship started out pretty perfect... or so I thought, we were friends for 6 months before we even talked about dating, and then didn't date for another month, until after he called my parents, asked me, we never had the giddy in love "oh he/she is completely perfect" etc, stage. We are best friends. We had a realistic relationship. I met his parents, he met my parents... we didn't start kissing until after he met my parents (8 months in)... so we have a seemingly perfect foundation for a relationship right?
Here are some things that factor into our relationship that i didn't realize played as much into it as I thought at first. First of all. I'm 19 (almost 20). This is my first boyfriend, and I had no idea what it means to be in a relationship. I expect men to lead. He is 24 (as of April), he's dated other girls, and he had no idea what it was to be in a Godly relationship.
So how did this make our relationship hard?
Simple, we thought it would be easy.
Here are my ideas of dating/courting/whatever you call it- it is a time that is dedicated to seeing if you could actually marry this person that you are [insert relationship word here]. I've read tons of psychology books on the whole idea of the emotional, twitterpated "in love" stage, (one thing my boyfriend and I thankfully never went through) and how it is not supposed to be the foundation of the relationship, only the start.
There is a problem though, so many of us, in the christian world, think that dating and, horrifyingly, even marriage, should be easy. I mean, we think committing ourselves to another person is supposed to be easy from the get go right?
Well, as an answer, I'll give you bits of my story.
Almost 3 weeks into our relationship, I finally accepted the idea of dating. I was determined to be single until my senior year of high-school, and here at Moody, it's a crazy contagious disease when it comes to relationships, (some people tell me that using the word disease gives it a negative connotation, but I digress. I think it is very accurate.) so I felt so much pressure when I was here to be in a relationship. Not from my boyfriend, or my family, but from my schoolmates. Plus, I think several people were pretty shocked when he and I actually started dating. Due to some... issues, I was very private about our friendship, and suddenly going "public" was kinda nerve wracking for me. To be honest, I was completely terrified. Here I was, going into this new adventure, my two best girlfriends in two other time zones, with my best friend... how mortifying.
For someone who likes to be left alone, it's not very fun to suddenly be in the "dating" spotlight. I have a fear of spotlights. I like public speaking, but I am not a fan of being the person people are watching, talking about... the girl everyone knows... I don't want to be that person, as a result I will hide my talents (which irritates my boyfriend) and do what I can to not be noticed.
So on top of that, add a time-sucking internship. This is what my boyfriend had until recently. For the first 8 months of our relationship, I basically spent a ton of time feeling like a support beam, and completely alone, because of my boyfriend putting about 40 hours of work in for an unpaid job. As a quality time person, having him be gone 40 hours a week was okay, but on top of that 16 hours of school, about that much time for homework, 30 hours of sleeping... and he loved the people involved with it, so dearly. they became a second family. I was in a sense, put on the back burner. Yes, we still saw each other almost every day, but because of his inability to speak my love language constantly, the few moments we had that he was focused and giving me time in his day were few and far between. As a result even the time we spent together didn't really mean much, since he was distracted, or we were doing homework, or something. Because of this, I felt like I didn't matter, and I was just sitting there waiting until he actually wanted to be with me.
I remember crying out to God, and just asking Him why I felt so alone. if anything I sought him more then I ever had before, because I was so sure I was doing something wrong. I couldn't figure out why my boyfriend was completely happy with our relationship and secure, and I felt just as alone with him as without and that I couldn't talk to him anymore, I watched as the stress from this job began slowly destroying his relationships with God, fellow students, his housemates, and myself, and he began changing, becoming much more distracted, irritable, and just... not himself. I wondered what happened. Had I made a mistake? Was this my fault?
Then came more problems. People close to him just didn't approve of me. I had several people make comments to me about my boyfriends and my relationship that made me cry later when I was alone. Including from his second family and his direct family. And again I was weeping to God. Why? What had I done to deserve this? Did I make a mistake? Maybe I wasn't supposed to date this guy...? How could it be possible that through all this crap, that this is what God really wants?
I asked myself those questions for 8 long months. praying for an answer. for something. Was I doing the right thing committing to him? Was fulfilling my promise that the first guy I dated would be my husband actually the right thing to do? I slowly became more bitter, distant to him and less willing to do things with him, and spent a lot of time with other girls, building up a support system, just in case he broke up with me, something that I was convinced he was going to do. Even though he told me at least once a day that he loved me and he didn't want to break up with me.
Finally in April, I broke down. My family was staying in a hotel, and he and I were watching a movie with my sister, and he got irritated at me, and I went into the bathroom and just cried. I couldn't stop. my mom came in and talked with me for a bit and cried with me, then she left and he came in, and I told him I couldn't do this for the rest of my life. And for the next 4 and half hours we started the first of a long series of talks that would start healing. We began teaching him how to speak my love language.
My sister answered all of my questions for me. She said that "They must belong together, because Satan is trying so hard to tear them apart."
My sister is wiser then I am.
Since that night, I have had at least five or six similar breakdowns (most of them in May), but finally we have reached a sturdy ground again. We're actually leaving for Maryland tomorrow, and I'm not all there yet, but I'm more secure in our relationship then I have ever been.
So now that I am done with my story and I've probably lost some of you because this thing is so long, I come to the point of this post.
The main thing I got out of this is the importance of commitment.
The Bible talks about two people becoming one flesh (Genesis 2.23-25). and I've had conversations on what this means.
It means that two people are committed to each other for life, no matter what. It's like the vows say: "For better or worse, richer or poorer, Sickness and in health, till death do us part."
Since then my boyfriend has told this story to several people. One of our professors was impressed with the fact that I stayed through this entire process. Most women in my position would have left (whether married or not!) This is not a pride trip for myself. I was astounded that people actually were surprised.
Where is the commitment? Why are we wondering why there are no marriages surviving, when people aren't honoring their commitments. it breaks my heart that even in the Christian world, this idea of commitment surprises us. It is truly rare. And it should not be rare!
Relationships are hard. You have to work on them. And the more you work on your relationship with God, the easier it becomes to love even in the hard times. Through the past 9 months I have learned to Love, Honor and Cherish in worse, poorer and in sorrow, and pain. It's not easy. Not by a long shot. But it's worth it. Every second. Now that I am here, I can see that. I have such a beautiful relationship with God... and I can (and can't) wait for the next step in life with my boyfriend. Life is filled with hard lessons. But I think I was blessed in the fact that I learned this lesson so young. I hope you can learn from my new-found wisdom, and I pray that He draws you to Himself more.
He is my love my life, my light and my Salvation, my Lord and my God...
With him I will never grow weary and I will always press on...
~katydid out.
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