Dear World...

In the words of my best friend; "You Lose, I win."

Life Passing by...

So, I've been busy recently with several new adventures.

My Sophomore year of school. I'm now officially a Youth ministry Major, and I've made new friends, and new starts to old relationships and new beginnings to relationships that I really didn't see coming. One in particular.  This is the one I'm most excited and terrified by.

But that is another story for another time.

The purpose of this blog for today is to tell you all to SLOW DOWN.

Take a look around you.

You're surrounded by beauty and life... vibrant colour... there is beauty everywhere.

Even in a city, even in something or someone that seems to be ugly or lost or broken.

The reason why I state this?

9 Years ago was the attack on the World Trade Center.

How many of those people didn't say goodbye to their families? How many people not going to the tower that day regret not taking the time to have one last breakfast with their family, because they were rushing to get to work on time? How many people alive regret the fact that they really put work above their spouses...and then never saw them again.

And Asking all these questions may cause people to question if there is a God to allow all these broken families, all these moments that they could have missed, but their story has ended. yes it's tragic, yes there was devastation...

And nine years later, we can still do nothing about it.

Except for what we do with our Time. Our days are numbered. Our time is short...

What will you do with it?

Dear God...

So in the past 24 hours my faith has completely been so ridiculously blown away, everything I thought I believed in has pretty much come down to this simple fact.

When it comes to God, don't expect anything.

Maybe there is another facet to this that I'm missing, but right now I would say that this has been one thing that God has really been hammering into my brain for the past few month.

Have no expectations. Hope... but if hope turns into expectations then don't have hope.

I've been debating about what exactly comes down to the two, and yet again I'm looking to my dictionary:

Hope-hope |hōp|
noun
1 a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen
• a person or thing that may help or save someone
• grounds for believing that something good may happen
2 a feeling of trust.
verb [ intrans. ]
want something to happen or be the case
• [with infinitive ] intend if possible to do something


expectation |ˌekspekˈtā sh ən|
noun
a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future
• a belief that someone will or should achieve something

Just thinking about how ridiculous this actually is. You can't really have one without the other? What? My dictionary is wrong??? The world is coming to an end... or maybe they have part of it right.

How so? #2 under hope.

That's what God calls for us. if we have expectations then it's almost like we treat God like a puppet. We just have him do whatever we want (which is the farthest thing from the truth) and He gives to us abundantly.

So under what reality are we living? under what definition of hope????

Praying about Life...

I've been thinking lately about people.

And I've been wondering why God seems to let certain things happen to me.

I looked back on my post from the beginning of the year. Life seemed so simple. I thought I had everything figured out.

Turns out I had nothing figured out.
'
2010 has been the most heart-wrenching, trying, awful, wonderful, stupid, crazy journey of my life. And I've been wondering what comes next.

To be completely honest. I don't know.

But I'm waiting and ready to find out.

Reflections...

Over this Summer, one of the things I've learned is how important it is to continually move forward... And not look back. I've been given the chance to really see things for how they are, untainted and setting my own opinions of the person, the situation, etc etc etc. 


I've come to realize that everyone has a weak spot. In the past few months I've found that nothing I know is sure. Nothing on this planet will ever go the way I assume. The only thing that remains in the end is God. I've discovered that the truth behind love, and forgiveness is not as big of a gap as I originally thought. And finally, I've learned that life goes on. The past is still there. But the most important things in life come when you live in the moment and keep moving forward. 


Over a year ago, I was in N. Ireland. For what I'm pretty sure will be the last time. A little less then a year ago I stepped off a plane to the place I was determined not to fall in love with. This past fall I have undergone healing I never thought possible, and I have found the best friend I could ever ask for (and I have found that I don't deserve her, and she most certainly doesn't deserve me with all of my crap.), I've found that I can be passionate,  there is more to life then just trying to survive day by day... 


This year (2010) has brought me more challenges then I could have ever imagined. For the first time in my life, I began realizing the fact is, those people I saw as "Super Christians", people I had grown up, people I expected to change the world... began to fall apart. I began realizing that I wasn't the only one who had lived the "silver mask life" that I had. And they didn't want to escape. I began crying out to God daily, and wondering why we all do this to ourselves. Then I began to watch. 


Over my 7 months of watching I found my answer. 


Because our main weakness is something so close to our heart and it's something that we have to peel ourselves away. We convince ourselves that we can't let go, or that we aren't doing it and become blind to our own new "God". It can be something simple or something complex, it can be big or small... but if it takes the place of God for a moment longer then it should. we can falter. I won't list examples, because your own possibility is probably what rose to your mind and you dismissed as nothing. 


I found that overall, life is a battle for survival. But not to survive the way I was trying to survive. Not the way the world tells you to fight, not with fists and guns and bombs and whatever weapons we have nowadays. 


If you are ever told that following God is easy, hit the person in the face with a frying pan, then brain them until they have some sense. 


Seriously though, DO NOT BELIEVE IT. 


Following God is HARD.  <-- read it (repeat until you understand? Still don't???)

Mark 13:12-14 

¹²And brother will deliver brother over to death, and the father his child, and children will rise against parents and have them put to death. ¹³And you will be hated by all for my name’s sake. But the one who endures to the end will be saved.

John 15:18
 "If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you.


Romans 7:15
For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 


1 John 3:13
Do not be surprised, brothers, that the world hates you.


So in other words what we have to look forward too, is the world hates our guts if we actually follow God with everything we got, and even amazing Christians like Paul didn't do it all the time... 


So we all are aware of the second point... now the 1st point? How many of us want to be hated by the world??????


If you are saying me... congratulations, you have a rough life ahead of you, enjoy every second of it, because God is going to bless it at times and seem to be far away at others. 


Please excuse my sarcasm, I've been really snippy for the past few weeks and I have not been writing, which is always a dangerous combination. 


The problem is, most people don't want the world to hate them. They allow themselves to get sucked in, and if they don't want the world the hate them, they usually have some other distraction in the way. 


I've found that our problem is we allow ourselves so many distractions, so many excuses... so many issues... and then we have the audacity to ask God "WHY????" Then we have the arrogance to actually think that we are the only ones to ask that question!!!! 


I am completely disgusted with the human race right now, please exuse my rantings, I just decided my whole next paragraph probably wasn't the best idea...


So that was the answer to my question... 


As always, when I ask God a question I'm left with a whole bunch of new questions. 


I don't know how He knows everything, His answers make my head hurt... 


However, the real question is, what are we left with? if half of the world thinks they are following God and they aren't how can you ever be sure? if you can actually find someone that truly follows God with everything they can, they aren't consumed by their past, their obsession with growth, the hurt surrounding them and how they can't fix it, their independence, their job, their lives, their need to feel like they must be Spiritual all the time and don't take the time to truly learn.. 


How many are left? How many stand? How many are going to stand in front of God and hear "Well done, good and faithful servant."? 


My guess is and I hate this answer, is that it's smaller then we think. 


Do you realize what an Honor that is? Let me make you realize this IT'S A COMPLIMENT FROM GOD!!! HELLO?! THERE IS NOT A HUMAN ON THIS PLANET THAT EVEN DESERVES HEAVEN LET ALONE A COMPLEMENT WHERE HE CALLS US HIS SERVANTS.  (read again now repeat until this actually sinks into your tiny human brain) (again I apologize for my temper). 


I don't think everyone who enters Heaven gets this answer. I imagine my first moment with God will be me falling flat on my face and knowing that no matter what I did there is no way I could ever deserve that one moment where I first lay eyes on my glorious Master.


I have realized how significant that moment is. That moment will make all of this crap that goes on here in this world worth it. Just laying eyes on His glorious face for a moment... it's worth our entire lives... 


Why in the world do we crave compliments we don't deserve... when in all reality that very first moment is all we need? 


Katydid out. 

Dedicated to Human Idiocy.

It's 2 a.m in the morning and I'm going off on a vent.

I have this wonderful quote on my facebook wall by a man named Henry Miller. Just now I decided I wanted to know what he did. I seriously regret that now. I'm just completely disgusted with people that really do have a lot of wisdom and throw it out the window by wasting their lives. I don't care who you are, you can be as wise as you want, but your life can just be a lot of crap. And yes that is the best way to describe it. Solomon was wise... but he also was a complete idiot with the way he set himself up to fall away from God.

I just am completely disgusted. I mean, if you have some shred of intelligence, shouldn't you really use it? And every single human alive does stupid idiotic things. What makes me mad is when we CONDONE IT. My life, when people had affairs, did stupid things, and etc before... well just read Leviticus. It's a very cheery book about what God's opinion of how some of the sins we commit  should be treated.

I mean really world, what is this??? it's completely ridiculous. I'm going to stop for now, because it's late, and I could go on all night on this topic. I'll probably continue it later.

Katydid out.

Lessons and Lightning.

So in 3 weeks I will be back home. :)

So far this summer:
I've learned to appreciate cold weather.
I've learned trusting God is never easy.
I've seen the good bad and the ugly of a friendship gone sour
I've lived the fact that family is not just blood.
I've seen the reality of forgiveness, and the fact that because family is not limited to blood, forgiveness is always possible.
I've learned the wonder of a thunderstorm.

So off that last point, I just want to go off on it. My sisters are terrified of them. I don't remember ever being afraid, but I might have been... but not since I was 12. in the past 3 years they've been a way for me to think and pray. I sleep much more soundly with a storm.

I love this wonderful side of God's personality. NOw when you think of storms, most people think of the devastation they can leave. When I mentioned this to someone they said how can God, (who is loving and just) be seen in something so devastating?

But a storm isn't just that. In fact it isn't always that. A storm is... unpredictable, wild, racing, angry refreshing, renewing, healing, removing, eroding, filling, growing, powerful, intense, musical, systematic, logical, mathematic, poetic, beautiful, dangerous, an opportunity, you get the idea... it's... an oxymoron.

It's a wonderful thing. I stood on my driveway more then once this summer, just watching.

I like to think of it as God's "wild side" it seems crazy but I feel like he enjoys making Thunder and Lighting.

Katydid out.

My [second] Freshman year in a Nutshell.

So as we come upon the close of yet another sentence in the story of my life, I'm trying to describe this past year.

1 year ago I finished up my first year of college.

What has changed since then?

Life.

In 10 days I go back to my roots.

I'm terrified and excited at the same time. This has been... wow. This year has been crazy.

I'm going to attempt a word picture of these past two semesters.

New chances, choices, adventures, tears, cliff jumping, headaches, trials, temptations, baby steps, trying to cope, learning to stand up, getting a backbone, healing, anger, experience, Old testament, mistakes, corrections, surrender, the discovery of hatred for counseling, a found love of theology, a hunger for knowledge, the promise of the future, the idea and definition of Trust and Faith, McMath, New Testament, hysteria, Jack & Zoe, popcorn, fasting, worship, prayer, God, learning, loving my enemies, seeing people for who they are, dropping the plastic, learning who I am, watching real love, discovering my passions, new feelings, terror, the realization that I have both been not thinking enough of myself and too much at the same time, the realization of how small I really am,  the reality and power of Jesus Christ, raw despair, laughter, hope, Dr. Orr, learning to breathe, rooftop experiences, homework questions, puzzles, texting, chats, whipped cream, rest, peace, light, the reality of evil, God's love, grace and mercy, Schnieder, wind storms, gathering thunder, rain on skin, joy, talents, teaching, questions, printer issues, the definition of a geek, a tortured rabbit, lo mein, sinkholes, movies, leverage, reality, the power of eyes, the windows of the soul, learning how to cope, church history, Ophelia, late nights, sunrises and sunsets, not avoiding the eggshells, enjoying new friends, trying to say no, starry nights, memories, bitter and sweet goodbyes and hello's, learning to trust people again, the definition of a geek, realising sleep isn't for me, fish, conspiracy theories, silent haters, being ambushed, Kris White, how much I hate surprises, questions that don't need answering and spiritual gifts.
...just learning me.

Well... that's as close as I can get. I hope this gives you an idea.

~Katydid out.

TWITTERPATED!

Well what can I say? 


My friend and I tried to go through Disney's Animated Classics from the beginning. one of the movies is Bambi. 


For those of you that follow oldschool Disney you will know this movie very well. In the end-ish part of the movie there is a Scene about being "twitterpated"


Flower: [about two birds fluttering around] Well! What's the matter with them? 
Thumper: Why are they acting that way? 
Friend Owl: Why, don't you know? They're twitterpated. 
Flower, Bambi, Thumper: Twitterpated? 
Friend Owl: Yes. Nearly everybody gets twitterpated in the springtime. For example: You're walking along, minding your own business. You're looking neither to the left, nor to the right, when all of a sudden you run smack into a pretty face. Woo-woo! You begin to get weak in the knees. Your head's in a whirl. And then you feel light as a feather, and before you know it, you're walking on air. And then you know what? You're knocked for a loop, and you completely lose your head! 
Thumper: Gosh, that's awful.
 Flower: Gee whiz. 
Bambi: Terrible! 
Friend Owl: And that ain't all. It could happen to anyone, so you'd better be careful. [points at Bambi] It could happen to you…[points at Thumper]… or you, or even...[Flower looks at Owl shyly] Yes, it could even happen to you! 
Thumper: Well, it's not gonna happen to me. 
Bambi: Me neither. 
Flower: Me neither. 


Long story short... they all end up that way. It's actually rather humorous. 


That is my nonsense post. 


Katydid out. 

Love?

1 Corinthians 13

The Way of Love

 ¹If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. ²And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³ If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. ⁴Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant ⁵or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; ⁶it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. ⁷Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
 ⁸Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. ¹¹When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. ¹²For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
 ¹³So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
~


So I'm being really challenged by this right now. Why? Because of these verses:


Luke 6.27
 ²⁷"But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you.


Matthew 5.44
⁴⁴But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,


Okay, this is not fun. Recently I've been becoming aware of the fact that I am... a topic of conversation around my school. More then once in the past week, I've come across groups of people and I hear things about myself that I probably shouldn't. 


It's been really hard. Because I did nothing wrong. The problem is to complicated to go into over this though. 


But it's not going to stop. And because of this, there is a lot of... tension. I've been withdrawing from most people at school and even in my house because I don't know who else is verbalizing this about me. I don't understand what I did that was so awfully devastating that me getting completely shredded is necessary. 


What's really upsetting is I go to a Bible College. Why are we just as bad as a Highschool?


Yes I said that. I think it's so ridiculous for the "populars" to blast the "nomads" just because of some attention is not getting pulled their way. 


I've posted before on my opinion of Populars at the end of this post (http://katydidsings.blogspot.com/2010/04/things-are-in-air.html) but now I have a new aspect on them. 


I don't understand. Can someone please explain this to me? Can someone please tell me what I did wrong? 


And I'm called to LOVE these people. These people who are judging me, ruining my reputation, making up their own personality for me... they don't even know my name. And I'm called to LOVE them... read those verses again. I am striving. Now, my biggest challenge right now is that even though I am the "hot gossip topic" I'm going to do everything I can to love the populars with 1 Corinthians 13 Love. 


Oh boy... *sigh* this is not going to be fun. 


I'll keep you posted. 


~Katydid Out. 

Life is a Vapor...

In 29 days I will be on a plane for my other home...

27 days until my last day of my (secondish) Freshman year of College.

Wow, things have changed.

I can't even do into the stories of things that have just completely changed my life.

I'm learning that Life just goes at you faster with each passing day.

Time for a new Adventure. :)

Katydid out.

A Joyful Heart

Recently I've been realizing the power of real laughter. 


Now what do I mean by real? 


Real meaning the joyful, expressive kinda the bubbles up from your soul, causes you to cry, just because you are truly delighting in something with another person. 


The other thing is real laughter banishes all other emotions. You forget about your troubles, your pain, you paper due in a few moments... You just enjoy what you have in that instant. You delight in that moment. 


My very close friend and I have been Struggling to keep our laughter down for the past week. Why? Well, God has basically been showing us the humor that people live their lives in. 


If you don't study people, you will not understand what I am talking about. 


People are funny. No, hilarious. I find so much amusement of the delight of young children watching College students swing on park swings,  Parents realizing that their children are (sometimes) more intelligent then the rest of the world. People putting their foot in their mouths... you get the idea. 


The thing I am noticing is which people laugh it off and which people truly cannot handle it. I'm surprised by the fact that most people will laugh it off. Maybe not in the current moment, but in the end, I am shocked by how many people laugh about their past mistakes. 


Growing up whenever I did anything stupid, people would always tell me that I would laugh about it later. 


I find it utterly hilarious that I am now doing the exact same things now, and enjoying every second of it. 


What I've been finding recently is this verse is so true. 


Proverbs 17.22~A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.


Growing up this is kinda cliche, and overstated, but it's not. The reality of it is, so many people think they have a "joyful heart"when they do not. I'm realizing this. 


It's breaking my heart. Some people are so negative about certain subjects that they don't realise how their complaining and their hearts are connected. 


This is the way life is. you can take it or laugh at it the choice is yours. 


Katydid out. 

Struggling With the Truth

So time for a basic Question and answer. 

When someone is going to walk into something stupid, and/or do something they will regret, what do you say? 

The reality of this is I'm realizing how much I see people walking right into something stupid. The problem is most of them are completely oblivious to it. For goodness sakes, I've done it countless times. You just wander into a huge mistake, that can involve anything from: regret, hate, anger, depression, a broken heart... that's not even talking about the physical aspects of this. I have hurt myself countless times doing very stupid things... like breaking and entering...now granted, I did lock the keys in the house that I was breaking and entering in...But that's another story for another time. 

So my question is, more specifically, when should you interfere and when should you stay out of it? And how exactly do you tell someone that they are walking (and they think with both eyes open) into something that they may regret for the rest of their lives? 

How do you bring up taboo subject that you really have no way of telling people?  Especially in the case of something you have no personal experience in? 

It's like a clown trying to tell a computer techie that his computers could be more efficient if [insert crazy/practical/whatever idea here). And it doesn't matter if your idea is actually revolutionary... people will just laugh at you. Or call you a fool. 

There is just nothing wise... or even intelligent about doing something like that. 

So do you wait for someone credible to tell the techie? Do you find someone credible TO tell the techie for you? 

The problem is, some people need the mistakes to grow. Where do you draw the line between someone who needs to be stopped and someone who needs to be taught??

Are you responsible for the mistakes of someone when you know that they will not listen to you?

And yet again, I'm left with more questions then answers. 

Katydid out. 

Thinking.... Because I have Writers Block for my Paper...

Just some thoughts that I have been thinking on. 


Romans 8.31-39
 ³¹What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³²He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? ³³Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. ³⁴Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised— who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. ³⁵Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? ³⁶As it is written,
   "For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
   we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered."
 ³⁷No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
-----
Psalm 56

In God I Trust

 ¹ Be gracious to me, O God, for man tramples on me;
   all day long an attacker oppresses me;²my enemies trample on me all day long,
   for many attack me proudly.³When I am afraid,
   I put my trust in you.⁴In God, whose word I praise,
   in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.
   What can flesh do to me? ⁵All day long they injure my cause;
   all their thoughts are against me for evil.⁶They stir up strife, they lurk;
   they watch my steps,
   as they have waited for my life.⁷For their crime will they escape?
   In wrath cast down the peoples, O God!
 ⁸You have kept count of my tossings;
   put my tears in your bottle.
   Are they not in your book?⁹Then my enemies will turn back
   in the day when I call.
   This I know, that God is for me.¹⁰In God, whose word I praise,
   in the LORD, whose word I praise,¹¹in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.
   What can man do to me?
 ¹²I must perform my vows to you, O God;
   I will render thank offerings to you.¹³For you have delivered my soul from death,
   yes, my feet from falling,
that I may walk before God
   in the light of life.


~
Mmm... This makes me really happy. For a lot of reasons. Several of them are due to what is currently happening in my life. Since the Beginning of March, my life has FLIPPED. Literally. I really... yeah. Looking back on my life, all of my journal entries.... Even this Blog... I'm just really surprised at the fact that... I'm growing up. This is a surprise. Who would have thought I would have grown up in College!?!?!?!?!? (end of Sarcasm), but really now, I'm totally serious about the "I'm surprised about growing up". It's more... how I'm going about it. 


Honestly, I've realized how much more flexible I am becoming, and how much more I realize how... important each moment of each day is. Everything can change in a instant. I've learned this... over and over and over again the past month. Everything we do effects something or someone else. Our lives truly are a domino effect. 


I've often disregarded this, but looking over old journal entries have opened my eyes. A simple thing of being somewhere you normally are not can change everything. I didn't truly realize how much "the little things" really effect our daily routine. Walking a different path, getting up at a different hour, what devotions you read in the morning, where you sit in a class room, the looks you and your friend exchange, the simple things such as grammar and punctuation which can change the entire structure of a sentence, and if forgotten, can end in massive private jokes, and a few other mindless things such as that. 


So in other words change is good. Personally I never think about the fact that people are watching me. I know several people know that I have been in... a Spiritual battle, so to speak. I didn't realise that through my blind stumblings, and my mistakes, I would be a light to others. I also never realised how much good change in other people can effect my entire attitude. Oh my life! WOW. It's crazy. Personally I love watching people grow in their faith, and I know for a fact that even though these people are watching me, their growth is a result of God opening their eyes/ 


So now for the Scripture. I found that these two Passages have been... my minor lifeline for the past month. 


The first is just a reminder. I have (and I've posted a few times about this) been to the breaking point again and again. There have been times when I just want to give up, because I can't see how much trial, pain and hurt is worth what I am being... mmm.... molded to do for the rest of my life. Yesterday, (well technically at 1 this morning) I realized why. But that is for me to know, and you to find out on your own. 


The second is also a reminder. I seemed to have moved off on one fear and moved onto another. Again I realised yesterday that no matter what, God still hold me in his arms. Flesh can do nothing to me. Honestly... the worst they could do is kill me... and I wouldn't really have a problem with that. Not that I'm walking around asking for a death wish, but seriously. My reputation is worth nil after I depart from this world, My family, though my lifeline, know Christ as well, so that is not a worry for me. Stuff...is stuff, is stuff. So that doesn't matter. So there is a general reality of the fact that... I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. 


Now that I've gone on a completely morbid schpeil on death, I'm going to end on a... somewhat happy note. 


God is at work, and he's using my trials to shape the world... Makes it all worth it. 


Katydid out. 

Going through Last Semester...

Stained Glass

What is is about your eyes? 

It's colours catch my own. 

Watching, waiting you, 

it's obvious to me who you think you are. 

How long will you continue to be painted? 

My heart aches that you are so small, 

yet more educated in the lies of this world.

You've already sold yourself to something so cheap. 

And now your eyes are nothing but stained glass windows. 

Pretty to look at, surrounded by color, but behind, a backwards distorted picture. 

The sun can only puncture your soul, there is no real light inside. 

Do you see the same way I see, little girl? 

Or have you bought the lie to grow up too fast? 

Only 14, why do you convince yourself that 

unless you have this or that, 

you cannot be satisfied?

You've bought into the stained glass lie. 

You're not alone, half of the world is along with you. You aren't that far gone, turn around. 

Take your life and take your light. I'll even give you mine. 

The beauty you have sold yourself for, makes you nothing but a window. 

And yes, most people can't see through the stained glass, but I can. 

I've been there too. 

I've seen the hand where all you do is think that you aren't up to par. 

Did you know that you are beautiful? 

Has the world told you that? 

Because when the light shines from within, 

there is nothing you can do about who you are.

Except enjoy it. 

That is what you have to learn.

And this is the truth. 

Take your light, let it shine. 

Take the backwards window and stop adding color to make it look better. 

Because the window doesn't work from the outside in, it's works from the inside out. 

Because the only one who ever can see the pretty colours if the light only shines in is you. And you can't enjoy them, because you keep criticizing...

So show your true colours.

Smash your stained glass windows

and let your smile reach your eyes. 

Finished 10/09

This was written for a girl in my youth group. I don't have the courage to say this to her, and I know she doesn't read this. 

I think it's something everyone needs to learn...

Katydid out.

Things Are in the Air...

So... well, as you can tell, I gave the blog a minor makeover. I figure since I have changed so much since it started that maybe it deserves a new face. I mean, post 55, and in June I will have been at this a year now... Strange. I never thought this would go anywhere... and I was rereading my posts since the beginning... I have watched myself grow from a young 17 year old angry, struggling, frustrated, confused, trying, new Christian... now granted I'm still Struggling, Confused, occasionally Frustrated and a new Christian. 3 Years is hardly enough experience to chalk up to anything. But you should notice the one that is missing.

I've decided that some history changes... well not history... but... well, I guess they are. Maybe it's just how I view history and how I see my history. How I am lost in the shadows of flashbacks, other people affecting my life, the domino effect... Or how I was...

For those of you that have never experienced the dangers of flashbacks... it's awful. I won't go into the situations I have managed to get myself in because of them.

It's been wonderful going from 1 a week... to having them be completely unpredictable. Now don't get me wrong, I wish they would go away forever... but instead of randomly getting at least 1 a week, more often then not 2 or 3. Besides all of the people I've talked to said that I would probably be effected by them for the rest of my life.

Now my biggest problem is not worry about what others think of me. I normally don't care about embarrassing myself, or how other people view me. I do have a big thing about people thinking I'm nothing. I hate being accused some something I'm not, such as a manipulative, flirtatious or conniving.

But I've always been told that. From people such as my ex-best-friend to people who don't even know me. I'm not much to look at, I know this... but I feel like some people don't try to see past the surface. I have lived my entire life dealing with being compared to pretty girls, and normally not dealing with what people think or care, because growing up people always thought I was weird (which I was) or quiet (which I'm not) but normally I would be described as the "down-to-earth, girl next door" not someone who is anything incredibly special to look at.

Now, before it sounds like I'm downing myself, I'm not this will all make sense in a moment.

First of all, I have always put more emphasis on certain parts of me that people don't see. For years I have been "perfecting' aka beginning to develop into a stable kind of object. Honestly when I was growing up, I'm surprised I didn't spontaneously combust, because my personality is a combination that is so completely ridiculous that most people can't even survive when there are two people like this in the same room. I have been accused of being Bi-polar, and while I am not, in a way I am. The best words to describe my personality are that I am an 'intense-free spirit'. In other words, I'm a walking oxymoron.

Recently the biggest thing I have been learning to focus on is my faith. This semester I came back determined that I was going to grow in my faith... apparently it's working. I've been approached several times about the faith I have in God, and have been questioned about it.

Now back to the main reason for why you might wonder if I'm downing myself... I'm not.

Personally I've never wanted to be pretty or popular. I found that it was too much to maintain and at too high of a price, such as violating your morals, and I have never seen the appeal to it. Not in highschool, not in middle school... I would always tell myself whenever I saw the popular crowd that I would never be like that. More often then not I felt sorry that they have to live their entire lives as a show. If you have been living your life in a bubble...  It's never been.. a life I wanted. And I've seen people who have spent their entire lives being "popular" and then finally they want out... and they cannot shake their world. I have been told by countless people how lucky I am that I'm a "nobody" so too speak. I'm too loud to be a nobody, but... yeah I am a nomad. I move around from group to group, and while I know a lot of people, not a lot of people know me.

I look at all the kids who still want to be popular... I have the 4 best friends anyone could ever ask for... I'm not popular... but I'm happy... I'm me... and I know people like me for who and what I am, and I never have to fake it.

So who is better off?

Katydid out.

Hold Fast...

To everyone who's hurting

To those who've had enough

To all the undeserving

That should cover all of us

Please do not let go

I promise there is hope

Hold fast

Help is on the way

Hold fast

He's come to save the day

What I've learned in my life

One thing greater than my strife

Is His grasp

So hold fast

Will this season ever pass?

Can we stop this ride?

Will we see the sun at last?

Or could this be our lot in life?

Please do not let go

I promise you there's hope

You may think you're all alone

And there's no way that anyone could know

What you're going through

But if you only hear one thing

Just understand that we are all the same

Searching for the truth

The truth of what we're soon to face

Unless someone comes to take our place

Is there anyone?

All we want is to be free

Free from our captivity, Lord

Here He comes

Mmm. Mercyme. I love this song. I love mercyme actually. This post is going to be covered in their lyrics, so... ya, be prepared. 


I have to admit, I'm to the breaking point. 


At this point in my life, I have completely thrown myself into my school work. I have had such a hard time with just coping with life these past few days, that I'm not sure what to do.


I am physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausted. I have no idea which way is up, I'm absolutely worn out. I'm a slight mess. I'm also completely frustrated with my school about some things, and to top it off, today I had a walk down memory lane that wasn't so pleasant, complete with flashback. Lovely. 


I pretty much walked home, locked myself in my room, and had a minor breakdown this evening. I'm still not done, and I feel like I'm going to snap and start crying at any moment. I've had it. I have no energy, I can't seem to make my body come up with enough, I'm just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, and feeling like I'm not worth anything, I'm sick of walking down the halls feeling like I live in a fishbowl because it seems like the entire school is watching me for some reason or another, I'm tired of hiding, I'm tired of fighting for my reputation, and honestly there is part of me that just wants to rewind this whole semester and do some things differently... not meet some people... not make some choices I made... 


The problem is, God has been giving me so much... and I have no idea why. And I know that the part of me that wishes this semester hadn't happened yet is being lied to completely. I know for a fact that the relationships I have are blossoming the way they are for a reason, even if the fact that they are is painful. I've healed this semester. I learned how to breathe, I learned how to fight... I learned how much I put God in a box... and as I was talking to my friend about this weekend, I have been given a... "fish" so to speak, that God has caught and is currently holding in front of my face. 


And now there is a problem with the problem. I'm so exhausted. I just want to sleep. I want to actually sleep, no dreams, no restlessness... I want to understand what exactly I'm supposed to do with this "fish" even if people are convinced that no matter what I do with it, God will bless my efforts. Part of me just wants to scream "I've only been a Christian for 3 years! I have no idea what I'm doing God, why did you choose me??? I can't do ANYTHING. I'm afraid, and I can't do this. Why does everyone else think I can?"


But I can't. I know what my "fish" is. Who ever said ignorance is bliss knew what they were talking about. 


Now for the explanation of the song lyrics. I thought of this song and realised that I am not alone in this. I have been standing with people who are going to walk this road with me. And Jesus is one of them. 


So now for the other song. (This is on the same album by the way)

No more boarding up my windows

So that I can lay low

Nobody's home

No more trying to run away from

Tired of being afraid of

What I can't control

The hardest part I'm always told

Is letting go

Safe and sound knowing that You're big enough to

Wrap around my heart completely

Safe and sound just knowing that You know me

I can finally set my heart free

Lost within the mystery

Of this love I've found

The hardest part I'm always told

Is letting go

The greatest part now I know

Is letting go 

Okay, so both of these songs have pretty much helped me a lot tonight, I'm not going into my explanation of why, because I need to sleep for class which starts in less then 9 hours. 


Hold fast... and Safe and Sound... Hmm. More Irony. Lovely. I was wondering when it would show up... 


Katydid out.