Things Are in the Air...

So... well, as you can tell, I gave the blog a minor makeover. I figure since I have changed so much since it started that maybe it deserves a new face. I mean, post 55, and in June I will have been at this a year now... Strange. I never thought this would go anywhere... and I was rereading my posts since the beginning... I have watched myself grow from a young 17 year old angry, struggling, frustrated, confused, trying, new Christian... now granted I'm still Struggling, Confused, occasionally Frustrated and a new Christian. 3 Years is hardly enough experience to chalk up to anything. But you should notice the one that is missing.

I've decided that some history changes... well not history... but... well, I guess they are. Maybe it's just how I view history and how I see my history. How I am lost in the shadows of flashbacks, other people affecting my life, the domino effect... Or how I was...

For those of you that have never experienced the dangers of flashbacks... it's awful. I won't go into the situations I have managed to get myself in because of them.

It's been wonderful going from 1 a week... to having them be completely unpredictable. Now don't get me wrong, I wish they would go away forever... but instead of randomly getting at least 1 a week, more often then not 2 or 3. Besides all of the people I've talked to said that I would probably be effected by them for the rest of my life.

Now my biggest problem is not worry about what others think of me. I normally don't care about embarrassing myself, or how other people view me. I do have a big thing about people thinking I'm nothing. I hate being accused some something I'm not, such as a manipulative, flirtatious or conniving.

But I've always been told that. From people such as my ex-best-friend to people who don't even know me. I'm not much to look at, I know this... but I feel like some people don't try to see past the surface. I have lived my entire life dealing with being compared to pretty girls, and normally not dealing with what people think or care, because growing up people always thought I was weird (which I was) or quiet (which I'm not) but normally I would be described as the "down-to-earth, girl next door" not someone who is anything incredibly special to look at.

Now, before it sounds like I'm downing myself, I'm not this will all make sense in a moment.

First of all, I have always put more emphasis on certain parts of me that people don't see. For years I have been "perfecting' aka beginning to develop into a stable kind of object. Honestly when I was growing up, I'm surprised I didn't spontaneously combust, because my personality is a combination that is so completely ridiculous that most people can't even survive when there are two people like this in the same room. I have been accused of being Bi-polar, and while I am not, in a way I am. The best words to describe my personality are that I am an 'intense-free spirit'. In other words, I'm a walking oxymoron.

Recently the biggest thing I have been learning to focus on is my faith. This semester I came back determined that I was going to grow in my faith... apparently it's working. I've been approached several times about the faith I have in God, and have been questioned about it.

Now back to the main reason for why you might wonder if I'm downing myself... I'm not.

Personally I've never wanted to be pretty or popular. I found that it was too much to maintain and at too high of a price, such as violating your morals, and I have never seen the appeal to it. Not in highschool, not in middle school... I would always tell myself whenever I saw the popular crowd that I would never be like that. More often then not I felt sorry that they have to live their entire lives as a show. If you have been living your life in a bubble...  It's never been.. a life I wanted. And I've seen people who have spent their entire lives being "popular" and then finally they want out... and they cannot shake their world. I have been told by countless people how lucky I am that I'm a "nobody" so too speak. I'm too loud to be a nobody, but... yeah I am a nomad. I move around from group to group, and while I know a lot of people, not a lot of people know me.

I look at all the kids who still want to be popular... I have the 4 best friends anyone could ever ask for... I'm not popular... but I'm happy... I'm me... and I know people like me for who and what I am, and I never have to fake it.

So who is better off?

Katydid out.