:) :)

Yes. My title is juvenile. I am perfectly aware of that because it's so anti-me...


So... 


Has anyone ever in their lives, experienced fear? 


Now I'm not talking about "I'm scared of heights, spiders or the dark... enter more here" fear. 


I'm talking about terror. Pure, unabashed, knee-knocking, can't sleep at night, on edge, distracted, worried, losing sight of the light, and drowning in the darkness fear. The kind of fear where it consumes you... and you don't know why it does so... 


It's the sensation of swimming in a pool at night... the deeper you go, the heavier you seem, and the darker and colder it gets. 


Some of the synonyms for terror and fear:


fright, fearfulness, horror, alarm, panic, agitation, trepidation, dread, consternation, dismay, distress; anxiety, worry, angst, unease, uneasiness, apprehension, apprehensiveness, nervousness, nerves, perturbation, foreboding; (informal) the creeps, the shivers, the willies, the heebie-jeebies,


This is the fear that has been following me around for a year. 


Those of you that have been there know this fear. 


I'm going to try to explain my situation without using details. 


In August of 2008, I entered into a friendship I shouldn't have. I won't go into more detail then that. When I ended the relationship in April of '09, right after I got my acceptance letter into Moody, I was fearful. Around this time, one of my close friends also destroyed my trust. Those of you that know me now wouldn't recognise me. I jumped at everything, I hadn't slept since August. I lost trust in everyone, my parents, my friends, my church... all but God. (Which is only by the fact that He would not let me go...)


For the next 5 months I woke up in the middle of the night absolutely petrified. I stopped playing music, my self esteem was a wreck, my photography, and even some of my grades suffered. 


In September I started to wake up. 


In October, I realize I had to relive the nightmare. I wrote out every detail I knew, and was shocked at the raw terror that jumped off the page at me. This month tore me to shreds. I didn't sleep, (during midterms ... ouch.) I did my best to let myself feel. Admit to myself what exactly happened. I had been in denial of it for over a year. And I forgave. 


By November I was sleeping through the night again. 


When I returned home in December... It was healing. For the first time. 


Now, there is a new event in my life, that has been starting since February, and has... been escalating. 


I couldn't understand why this fear came back. Not as strong, but still there. It got me to a point where I was shoving some people away. 


Then 2 days ago I was faced with my choice. I had looked at the situation over and over again and told myself I have nothing to fear. But with was still there. 


I set my jaw and titled a letter. The most grueling, painful thing I will ever write in my life. 


3 hours, 4 pages. 


I'm going to try to give a word picture. 


Pain, regret, anger, bitterness, fear, hope, shattered, realization, admittance, anger again... pity. Peace... Joy... and life. 


Now, this may seem a little against the grain for forgiveness. But my problem was, I hadn't ever done anything but blame myself for this situation. I never let myself even think that it was possible that this other person was entirely to blame (that's not me being proud, that's me admitting the truth for the first time). Once I had done that... I let myself go through emotion.


Most Humans grieve the same way. In stages. These are mostly the stages. 


1. SHOCK & DENIAL, PAIN & GUILT- I had been in this one from August 08- September 09
2. ANGER- 
3. BARGAINING-
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS- October 09
5. ACCEPTANCE


Now the problem is... You notice I didn't write dates for 2&3. That's because I never let myself experience them. Here's what I now know. You can go n your own awkward way through each of the stages, but you have to let yourself feel all of them. 


I let myself feel those. That explains the negative. 


Now let me explain the surprising one. Pity. 


I have never thought about how this situation would effect the people around me, who hadn't been in this situation. My family suffered due to what I went through. My parents especially, partly because I didn't tell them until October. 


And I didn't think how the situation would effect my future, and how it would hurt other people. It will. I'm already hating telling people about it. 


And how much my "enemy" was hurt too. 


I had never thought of that. I had forgiven them, done what I could to pray for them... but never really cared how the situation effected them. 


Their future... will always be plagued by what happened. Mine will fade to scars, but their's never will. They will live in the prison of their own mind, their future relationships are ruined, because there will always be that nagging question on if they ever find out... or even family some day. They will know that this fear could plague their children. 


I thought about that for a long time. You never really think that the villain of the story might not be as evil as you had originally felt. 


Then I finished. 


The experience of being free of fear... it felt like I had this thick black smoke in my lungs, and someone emptied them all out. 


I won't ever forget that first breath. 


Every breath is sweeter then the last... every moment is I come alive again... the joy is present in my life like it had never been there before. Stronger... 


And you know what?


I'm going to change the world with it. 


Katydid out. 

While I'm Waiting.

So this is a lesson I am currently learning. 


Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

 1For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

 2a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; 

3a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up; 

4a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 

5a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 

6a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 

7a time to tear, and a time to sew; 

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 

8a time to love, and a time to hate; 

a time for war, and a time for peace.

The God-Given Task

 9What gain has the worker from his toil? 10I have seen the business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with. 11He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. 12I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to(S) do good as long as they live; 13also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God’s gift to man.

 14I perceived that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it. God has done it, so that people fear before him. 15That which is, already has been; that which is to be, already has been; and God seeks what has been driven away.

From Dust to Dust

 16Moreover, I saw under the sun that in the place of justice, even there was wickedness, and in the place of righteousness, even there was wickedness. 17I said in my heart, God will judge the righteous and the wicked, for there is a time for every matter and for every work. 18I said in my heart with regard to the children of man that God is testing them that they may see that they themselves are but beasts. 19 For what happens to the children of man and what happens to the beasts is the same; as one dies, so dies the other. They all have the same breath, and man has no advantage over the beasts, for all is vanity. 20All go to one place. All are from the dust, and to dust all return. 21Who knows whether the spirit of man goes upward and the spirit of the beast goes down into the earth? 22So I saw that there is nothing better than that a man should rejoice in his work, for that is his lot. Who can bring him to see what will be after him?

Soo... How many of you also hate waiting??? 


I am the worst. I want to know stuff now, I hate surprises, I hate not having a general idea or something... and from my point of view, God has recently decided he is going to shake up my plans. 


Note the first problem with that last sentence. 


MY PLANS. 


How bratty am I? That I am so egotistical that I DARE think that God's plans for my life are worse, or ruining my life. 


How DARE I. There are times when I don't understand why God keeps me on this earth, because with my attitude he could be using someone much more worthy. 


If I can't even be joyful that God wants to use me in a huge way HIS way, because what I want is more important, why in the FLIP is he choosing me? Why am I, a selfish, stubborn, headstrong, impatient 18-year-old sinner, even worthy of being THOUGHT about to make a difference. 


Why am I so important to God? Firstly that he would die for me, secondly that he would choose me for being an important part of his work here on earth, and thirdly, for so richly blessing my life by just giving me everything I need and more... even relationships, objects... things that I don't need... just because He loves me. 


What's funny is the main problem besides the fact that I am a selfish, stubborn headstrong, impatient, brat, is that I'm absolutely terrified. And the reason is, I'm waiting. 


I seem to have fallen into this rut... but it's more like this maze... and I have to sit here and figure my way out, before I get the prize... 


So why am i terrified? The title of my blog post is a song by John Waller, here are the lyrics, with my comments added in.

I'm waiting 

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am hopeful <-- No I'm terrified. 

I'm waiting on You, Lord 

Though it is painful <-- NO KIDDING. 

But patiently, I will wait <-- ARGH!!!!!

I will move ahead, bold and confident <-- where am I going? What does He have planned? 

Takeing every step in obedience 

While I'm waiting 

I will serve You 

While I'm waiting 

I will worship 

While I'm waiting 

I will not faint 

I'll be running the race 

Even while I wait <-- this whole bit is what I need to remember. 

I'm waiting 

I'm waiting on You, Lord 

And I am peaceful <-- again what I need to remember, because honestly I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. 

I'm waiting on You, Lord 

Though it's not easy <-- the understatement of life. Understand something now. Waiting for God is NEVER easy... 

But faithfully, I will wait 

Yes, I will wait 

I will serve You while I'm waiting 

I will worship while I'm waiting (3x) <-- what I aspire to do. 

-
This should be simple, right? I mean, God will use me for what He wills. I promised him that 3 years ago when I gave my life to him.  


Now my comments are sarcastic, but serious... so moreso... Ironic. All I have to do is wait... I'm just realizing how much I really don't like that. 


But God is shaping me... and preparing me for something great. I should be on my knees thanking him for thinking me worthy enough to do what he has not yet revealed to me. 


And I deserve this honor about as much as I deserve anything else. 


Katydid Out. 

Crazy Irish Maid.

Over the past few weeks, I have managed to find out what I am passionate about... It's rather fun.

Growing up my friends would always know when to stop arguing with me about things, because I would go "crazy on them." then they found out about my Great (great?) grandmother.

She was a proper Protestant Irish woman... and they had to leave Ireland due to the Catholics.

So when they arrived in the states they settled down... and the priest came to visit them. What what the problem? He was a CATHOLIC priest. My Great grandma beat him over the head with a broom down their country road and into town.

Everyone says I have her temper, her headstrong personality, and her looks. and now I've been to Ireland, and I fully understand her frustration at being made to leave.

Hence I am now the crazy Irish maid.

I have also looked up the definition of Geek for you (I will explain my sudden rabbit trail) And it is: A person who is obsessive/passionate over something... So I'm a cooking/photography/school/Jesus geek.

Now here is the thing... when I'm passionate about something, you can tell. I was talking to my friend the other night about youth groups, and what failures I think they are. I would start on my schpeil, but you would never hear the end of it. Lets just say my whole persona shifted.

I became... crazy Irish maid.

Honestly it made me think. I care deeply enough about this subject that people can see it in my eyes. How do I communicate that all the time? Are somethings in the life people are just supposed to ask you why you are doing what you do? Are people going to look at my pictures in 10 years and ask me why I didn't pursue it? Why I gave up Culinary School? Graduate School?

Or will people look at me and just know why. Because I am passionate about Jesus, and I want people to know that about me. All the time. I want to be the person you see walking down the street and everyone knows that they are God's. 100%. And there is no confusion about it. There is just... you know.

You just know.

I don't know about you... but I want to be that person.

Katydid Out.

Odd Remembrance

So today I was hit with the... compusion, that the person I need to talk to the most in this world, the person I need right now... is the last person I ever want to see again. My ex-best friend.

I don't understand why relationships fall apart. This was my best friend, and suddenly, they ruined my trust, used me to make them look better and was also a liar, manipulator, slanderer... you get the idea. I don't trust them, I don't want to talk to them, I couldn't even carry a conversation over break, because I don't trust them anymore. For respect issues I will preserve gender.

Here is the problem. Part of me wants to. But I know I can't. So as a result, I tell them all this stuff in hopes that maybe we can have our old relationship back. Very stupid. They don't want it... and honestly, I have no reason to want it. It's very obvious that they haven't valued me as a person in a long time.

Over break I realized 2 things, 1. I am not upset with this person, and I forgive them. 2. I cannot have any relationship beyond an acquaintanceship with them. It would be better to not have any contact at all.

Now here is the thing, I have not made this clear. I don't think coming up to a person who will not admit that they were wrong, but still know it to the point where they no longer keep eye contact, and any serious conversation you ever want to have about this subject could not be a case, since they will not look at you from shame.

I was very spiteful about it too. I spend our entire 1 conversation talking about deception, and some things that I was dealing with at school that involved that at the time.

I'm very shamed to admit that I liked watching them squirm.

So where does that leave me?

Why do I feel this need to talk to this person who 1. Will not build me up 2. Doesn't really want anything to do with me, any more then I want something to do with them, 3. really doesn't fit in with any of my ideas of my future, and after college we will probably never see each other again?

Regret.

The problem is I have changed so much, and I watch them and don't see any change at all. What a stupid reason. I have heard stupid breakups with better stupid reasons then that. What I don't understand is how do we, as Christians, go on living our lives when we do things like this to each other? I've done it too, I'm no saint. Especially as girls. I mean, based on experience (I do have 18 years) Girls are catty, rude and backstabbing... and we wear our masks very proudly. When I worked with my youth group, I saw so many "chameleons" as I called them, you know the type. People who change colour so much that eventually they forget and are the wrong colour in the wrong place? Some people call them lightswitch friends (there is a difference though). Normally these subjects are girls. Girls are usually more into the chameleon category, while guys were mostly blatant light switches. But that is another story for another time.

Anyways, this is all I know. I know for a fact that everything happens with God for a reason. God works everything, even stupid things like this. Maybe someday things will make more sense.

Katydid out.

Frustrated, Irritated, Disconnected from it All...

Yeah... This has been a long weekend... I don't think I've even wanted one over before. This is not a normal, I'm distracted, disoriented, frustrated, and I feel like I'm not exactly part of this world. 

This is my HOPE. 

Ephesians 6:10-20 

 ¹⁰Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. ¹¹ Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. ¹²For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.¹³Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. ¹⁴Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness,¹⁵and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. ¹⁶In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; ¹⁷and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, ¹⁸praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, ¹⁹and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, ²⁰for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak.

Psalms 25,27,30,31,37 and Isaiah 43. 

I won't post those, this has to be short because I'm on my class break and it's almost over. 

Habakkuk 1.5

Look at the nations and watch and be utterly amazed, for I am going to do something that you would not believe, even if you were told. 

Now is this time. I have no doubt about it. Something great, amazing.... and unbelievable is going to happen... The question is... am I the only one aware of it? Or am I going crazy?

Katydid out. 


P.S. The Furniture was returned, and a peaceful agreement was made. 

Am I a Name or a Number?

I have decided that all paperwork is a plague on mankind.


How have I decided this? Well, so I'm going to fill out a form to apply for a job online... it's asking me for every freaking state I've lived in since I was in the womb, (which is only 3 but still) and then my social security number... and because I'm a student... my mom and dads social security number... and my birthday... and my address... and my other 3 addresses... 


You get the picture... I was surprised I wasn't asked for my waist measurements. I mean really America? The land of the free, but not from mindless paperwork... Oh, my life. 


I like to complain, and I'm too opinionated about everything, so here we go. This should be short. 


So, I think one of the main things that really irks me is how I am no longer a name, but a list of numbers. i.e. My credit card, SSN, Birthdate, drivers license, Student Id, Membership ID, my phone number, my insurance number, license plate...numbers, numbers, numbers. Anyway, you get the idea... I want to know when this country lost the idea of PEOPLE. 


Really? I mean, that is the focus right? Others? Or at least it should be... I was on the phone with someone from a job I was trying to get... and she asked me for my phone number before my name... I was rather irritated... I mean, if I get the job for your company, isn't it a little important that you know my name????? Well? And I will tell you this, it's worse on the East Coast. I mean, you haven't seen impatience with other people until you've driven in D.C. It's ridiculous. Even if you use the cross walk you have to run for your life because D.C. People are primarily A. Baltimore City People and B. PA drivers... Now I was born in Baltimore, and I love PA, but these people cannot drive. At all. Honestly. I have been in the state I am in for school since August, and I have only seen 1 car accident, and some stalled vehicles. It's unusual if there isn't at least 1accident of some kind in D.C. EVERY DAY. I won't even go into New York, Chicago, Annapolis, York, etc. 


Anyway Back to my topic, I've been kinda upset about this for a few days now. Here is the bonus, and yes this is cliché, but I'm tired, bear with me. 


God knows me. Psalm 139:13-16


¹³For you formed my inward parts;
   you  knitted me together in my mother’s womb.¹⁴I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
   my soul knows it very well.¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
   intricately woven in the depths of the earth.¹⁶Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,
   the days that were formed for me,
   when as yet there was none of them.


Mm. I love this whole chapter... It's so good. Well I'm making stupid spelling mistakes now (Thank You Jesus for Spell Check) 


Katydid Out. 

Without Condition?

So this is my Challenge to my friend this week. I thought it might be a good idea to let everyone else in on it. 

You see, my friend and I are going to take over our school. One person at a time. Now, We are not Psychotic. We really are. But we aren't doing it alone. We are conquering people for Jesus. This song is one of our Theme songs. We are trying to always remember this. We are trying not to fall into this, and reach out to those that have.

Without Condition- Ginny Owens

You find this situation just a bit uncomfortable;
You'd rather stay far away from reality.
For you to understand would be clearly impossible; 

So you shut your eyes and swear you can see.
Claiming there is a God, but does that mean anything?
So condescending to those that you don't understand;
Just too easy to make them your enemies.
Like an ostrich, you bury your head in the sand,
And then shout about all the things you believe.
But if there is a God, don't you think He can see
What you really mean? What you're doing?

Chorus:
You can't find the answers
Till you learn to question;
You won't appear stupid
Just ask for direction.
You're insecure and it clouds your perception
So stop and listen
And learn a lesson in love without condition.


So place all the souls that you know
in their own little box;
Quite convenient to handle them that way;
You're the only one you know who carries a cross
You don't care what they care about anyway.
You talk to your God,
Prayin' for those who sin,
For their eyes to be opened

You can't find the answers
Till you learn to question;
You won't appear stupid
Just ask for direction.
You're insecure and it clouds your perception
So stop and listen
And learn a lesson in love without condition. 

God has given us gifts. Let's not shove Christianity down peoples throats and not live it out!

Katydid out. 

An Article I just finished Based in all Seriousness, but (of course) with some Sarcasm

See title...  

~
        As I think of all the lessons I've learned here so far at Moody, one specifically jumps out at me. It wasn't taught in a classroom, and it wasn't learned in a textbook. This is possibly one of the most interesting things I have even experienced, this could be the best piece of advice I can offer you as a freshman.
Here it is. God is cynical, ironic, and has a sick sense of humor. How so? It's a situation I have started to call “Delicious Irony” because I think God just eats it up. Honestly, the closer I get to God, the more I see this just echoing in my life. God must never get bored though, because he most certainly have more fun with this in my life, let alone the other 7 billion people on the planet.

So how exactly did I figure out this bit of wisdom? Through PRAYER. Yeah, I know. Last semester, I made the mistake of telling God that I wanted Him to shape me His way. I wanted to learn how to say “not my will but yours be done Father”. How is that a mistake? You'll see. Looking back if I had remembered that Jesus said that the night before He was crucified, maybe I wouldn't have asked it.

So God decided He was going to put these utterly confusing situations into action. I would pray this every night, and every day He would throw it back in my face, taunting me. I ate my own words quite a bit during the last semester, and even in this one. First God decided to say, “I'm going to put you in this really awkward situation, because I think it's a good lesson, and hilariously funny. Now, you have to trust me to get out of it...” Repeat about 800 times. I would pray about a situation, class, test, day, and God would almost rub it in my face. It would go very well... and then one thing would happen. Poof! Happiness gone. I could almost imagine Him grinning like a 7 year old who has made up the elaborate scheme that He knows is going to work. I was brought to my knees more then once this past semester. And every night I would ask myself “God what are you doing to my life?” Then He would respond, almost maniacally with “Exactly what you asked me too...I am shaping you to say MY will be done.”  It was like He twisted my prayers to make them turn out rather funnily awkward for his own amusement.

Now to some of you my theory may seem to put God in a bad light. After all Cynical isn't exactly one of the words we think of when we think of our God.

The truth is, I think that just makes it possibly in even more in His character. If you allow God to meddle, He WILL meddle. But here is the thing that makes this all better. Even when it seems like my “mistake”. Now why did I define that as a mistake? Well, I didn't really mean it. And God challenged me physically, mentally, emotionally and every other “ly” word you would think of. God has a sense of humor. Looking back at my life, and the situations that have lead me to where I am now... are absolutely ironic.

God has taken a 16 year old girl who didn't: want to go into ministry, never wanted to leave the East Coast, go overseas for missions, couldn't stand Middle school students, and never wanted to go to college. EVER. Now I'm an 18 years old, who has fallen head over heels in love with the West Coast, in my 2nd year of college (yet still a freshman :P), is now working toward a degree in Youth Ministry, so that she can work with Middle school students, and has been overseas 3 times now, with the offer of a summer internship working with youth in Northern Ireland.

What could be more ironic then that? But what makes this so “Delicious” as I stated earlier, is while this whole mess was going on, God was showing me choices I had never even allowed to enter my mind. There are so many stories behind what lead me to where I am now. So where does that leave us then? I'm going to be cliché, and post what I have written on my facebook about me section.

I have learned God loves Delicious Irony, so be careful when you pray, because he will answer your prayers...but not the way you'd expect...it's much, much better. Even though it seems rather heartless at the time, God has a sense of humor. And even though sometimes it seems sick, and confusing, and cynical, (which is is) He mold our hearts...with Irony.

~ Katydid out.

As Some Heavy Stuff Comes Back to Haunt Me 2

So... I've been thinking a lot about the past. So here is my story. This is my big black dragon that has haunted me for the past 3 years... I woke up this morning... and he was gone. :) God is good all the time!!!!! 


I'll write a little more afterwards. 
~

On March 15th 2007, at 9.06 am, I had just finished a fight with my brother Isaac, because my youngest brother Timmy's seat belt was unbuckled, and I had just had to climb back into the back and buckle the seat back in since he had unbuckled it and couldn't get it back in. My mom was upset at me, I was mad because I wasn't riding with my friend in the other car for our homeschool field trip. My two youngest sisters Megan and Maddie were asleep in the back, buckled correctly for the first time in ages. It was rainy and we were going 55 miles an hour down the highway. 
I don't remember the exact time of the car accident. I do know that I was put into an ambulance at 9.32 am. 
But I'm ahead of myself. My mother signaled to go into the other lane, and someone who didn't want to wait and figured she didn't see him, honked rather loudly. My mother reacted out of surprise, and jerked the steering wheel to the right. We skid... and for a split second we were fine... then we flipped. Four times we went roof over wheels. Finally I shut my eyes. I didn't make a sound the entire time. We landed ceiling down... I couldn't feel, breath or hear... nothing was working right... I thought that I had died... I felt like I was hanging there for hours... it was less then 4 seconds. Suddenly Timmy made a noise... that was all it took. My eyes snapped open and I heard this roaring in my ears. My mom was trying to call someone, trying to find her phone...I felt completely calm. I told her to get out of the car, flipped myself over and threw myself across the roof of the car. As I unbuckled my little brother I looked back into the back seat. The two seat belts were still eerily buckled. A hole forming in my stomach, I refused to think the worst. 
I somehow climbed out of our destroyed car, still calm, and I remember a young woman coming to my side and taking my brother... I looked for my two sisters and realized that my 2 brothers, my brothers friend and my mom were there... my sisters were gone. Megan who had just celebrated her 8th birthday 3 days before and Maddie, who was the spitting image of myself, even down to the feisty personality... I looked for them... I can remember a man grabbing my arm and tearing it away from him, refusing to look at the highway, terrified at what I might see.. I heard sirens... I was calling their names, fear clutching at my heart... then I heard Maddie... they had been ejected from the car...  and then I saw them. I cannot stand the sight of blood to this day. Megan had come an 8th of an inch away from death. Her arm had been sliced open an 8th of an inch away from her main artery. And 8th of an inch the other way and she would have lost the use of her arm.  
I stepped back.. and yelled to the man who had grabbed me to call an ambulance... they removed my sister, wrapped her in a quilt... and then I remember them screaming head trauma, head trauma... I kept slapping their hands away... telling them they had to take my sisters to the hospital or I would kill them. They began to leave me alone... I ran my finger through my hair and pain seared through every part of my body... I lifted my hand away.. covered in blood. I looked at the man and asked how bad it was... I never heard the answer. My adrenaline crashed. I sank to my knees, realizing I only had one shoe on... and cried. I remember being asked to repeat the story nine times, I remember being accused of not having a seat belt on, and I remember my nurse shouting at the police officer calling him an idiot and telling him that I wouldn't have a face if I had not been buckled. 
I was released first from the hospital at 12.27. Don't ask me how I remember the times, Because I don't know. I remember the hospital counselor telling me not to worry that I would remember this accident for the rest of my life through flashbacks, nightmares, and other fun things like that. Then the final blow came. I had somewho convinced myself that if Megan was the worst it couldn't have been that bad. I asked my dad to let me see the car. That was when I finally realized what I had escaped. I remember taking one look and losing it. the Front seat was a third of the size it should have been... 
I should not be writing now. I should be the one in the hospital. I shouldn't have a face... But I do. 
The next two days were the darkest of my life. I begged my parents to take me home (we were staying at a friends house to make it easier on the hospital, since it had happened in a different state) 
My mom and I finally got home around 10 o'clock pm on March 17th. I went into my room, locked my door turned on the lights, and cried for about 2 hours. I asked God why over and over and over... I looked at one of my lists that I will leave out for lengths sake, and I realized what my list was on top of... a blue sliver tinted NIV. 
The passage I looked at was 1 Corinthians 15:50-58. Verse 55 says "Oh Death, where is your victory? Where is your sting?”
I cried... and God held me through it all... 

~
That most certainly is not the end of my story. It's not even the beginning. Now, writing this is just reliving memories right? 
Actually no. It used to be. I used to recall every detail. I could even tell you what we were all wearing, the exact faces of every person involved. Now it takes me a lot to remember anything other then these details I have shared. I can't even remember the colour of our car without thinking about it. The past two years... even this past weekend I have dreading what usually comes this time of the year. I wouldn't go into detail about it, I never felt like elaborating. 


Here is a true fact. 


I have thought nothing about at all today other then at midnight. I even rode in a car today, and didn't react, even when a something rather dangerous happened. this is an excerpt I copied and pasted from my testimony with some confusing details left out. There is no emotion at all running through my head or heart that even remotely feels like anything other then joy and gratefulness. 


The Doctors were once again wrong. Not completely. But the scars have healed. more quickly then they ever expected. The wounds from this have given me my life. I have my school, I have stellar friends who fear God and constantly direct my attention back to him. And most importantly I have finally put my relationship with God in perspective. OUR GOD IS GREAT. You may not believe it from what you've been through, but without Him I would not be where I am today. 


Oh, how He loves us. I do not deserve anything He gives. And He gives so much! 


My favorite part of scripture is that passage. I have posted it before. The Section is appropriatly entitled Mystery and Victory. 51 is my favorite. 

1 Corinthians 15:50-58

50I tell you this, brothers: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. ⁵¹Behold! I tell you a mystery.We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, ⁵²in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. ⁵³For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. ⁵⁴When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:
 "Death is swallowed up in victory." ⁵⁵ "O death, where is your victory?
   O death, where is your sting?"
 ⁵⁶The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. ⁵⁷But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
 ⁵⁸ Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.


On Wednesday, it will be 3 years ago that I became His. I look forward to it. and I thank God that He has given me every single one of those 1096 days (I googled the answer). He has given them to me. And there are times (I am ashamed to say) that I waste them. 


But Our God gives us more then we shall ever deserve. And for that I praise Him. For that reason I can write these words of devastation, and smile. Because I am NOTHING without my God. 


That is my story. I hope it gives you hope. 


Katydid out. 

As Some Heavy Stuff Comes Back to Haunt Me 1

So... there are a few milestones in my life coming up. The closest is on March 15th. The other is March 17th. The best and worst days of my life. But I shall post more of them on those days. 


Let's just say that I have quite a story... but recent events (last semester) mainly have been causing me to place things in proper perspective. But as I said, there is a story behind it that shall come later. 


Today I was just thinking about some detail oriented things, just because that is how I treat everything. And  for those of you who follow my blog, you know I love the meaning of words. So here is the newest one. 


Salvation:–noun

1.

the act of saving or protecting from harm, risk, loss, destruction, etc.

2.

the state of being saved or protected from harm, risk, etc.

3.

a source, cause, or means of being saved or protected from harm, risk, etc.

4.

Theology. deliverance from the power and penalty of sin; redemption.

Now, the inspiration for the selection of this word is from my favorite Psalm (27 for those of you wondering minds :) ). The 1st Verse is "The Lord is my Light and My salvation, whom shall I fear?"


I have to admit. Sometimes I come across as fearless to some people. It's not the case... a line from a poem I wrote last semester states this:

It's not going to go away unless I face it. 

I'm told be strong, but the truth really is 

there is a difference between strength and survival. 

But it takes all my strength to survive. 

This poem is not as depressing as it sounds. I promise. I was rereading it yesterday, and I think that's one of the things that has really been hitting me. How vulnerable I really am... and how terrible. My own realizations have been coming up to slap me in the face... I'll be completely honest, this past week sucked. I hate going through a week living through my mask because of terrible memories.


So... I've been frustrated, I owe several apologies because I've been snippy and rude, and I am to the point where if I don't laugh, I'm going to cry, because around this time of year is already pretty brutal, and I don't need more, but I'm getting it. 


But the good news. I found out tonight that God can speak through mindless homework assignments. Like writing down the history of the book. I was working on my homework, and I had to write down the meaning of the passage. Out of nowhere (this is TOTALLY God) I wrote: This passage.... points to the glory of God, even in seeming devastation. 


I looked at my friend and just grinned. This made my week. Honestly... so I thought of this verse... and then looked up the words... And was totally blown away.... Salvation... if you notice, every single one really relates back the the greatest gift we ever will recieve in our lives. Not a day goes by that I realize more and more the reality of my own darkness... one of my housemates mentioned the fact when we were having breakfast this past tuesday morning that (and forgive me if I quote you wrongly) "The brighter His light gets, the more obvious our sin becomes."


How true this is... but I'll go more into that on Wednesday. Lets just say I look back on my life... and I have regret. So much... and I realised how much of it I really carried into this year... Oh, my life, it's so discouraging. But again more on that later... 


 This is going to be one of those cliff hanger blogs until Monday, when I'm going to go deeper into this subject, tell a story, and pretty much spill my guts all over the internet... 


This could get messy. 


Katydid out. 


*Definitions from dictionary.reference.com