:) :)

Yes. My title is juvenile. I am perfectly aware of that because it's so anti-me...


So... 


Has anyone ever in their lives, experienced fear? 


Now I'm not talking about "I'm scared of heights, spiders or the dark... enter more here" fear. 


I'm talking about terror. Pure, unabashed, knee-knocking, can't sleep at night, on edge, distracted, worried, losing sight of the light, and drowning in the darkness fear. The kind of fear where it consumes you... and you don't know why it does so... 


It's the sensation of swimming in a pool at night... the deeper you go, the heavier you seem, and the darker and colder it gets. 


Some of the synonyms for terror and fear:


fright, fearfulness, horror, alarm, panic, agitation, trepidation, dread, consternation, dismay, distress; anxiety, worry, angst, unease, uneasiness, apprehension, apprehensiveness, nervousness, nerves, perturbation, foreboding; (informal) the creeps, the shivers, the willies, the heebie-jeebies,


This is the fear that has been following me around for a year. 


Those of you that have been there know this fear. 


I'm going to try to explain my situation without using details. 


In August of 2008, I entered into a friendship I shouldn't have. I won't go into more detail then that. When I ended the relationship in April of '09, right after I got my acceptance letter into Moody, I was fearful. Around this time, one of my close friends also destroyed my trust. Those of you that know me now wouldn't recognise me. I jumped at everything, I hadn't slept since August. I lost trust in everyone, my parents, my friends, my church... all but God. (Which is only by the fact that He would not let me go...)


For the next 5 months I woke up in the middle of the night absolutely petrified. I stopped playing music, my self esteem was a wreck, my photography, and even some of my grades suffered. 


In September I started to wake up. 


In October, I realize I had to relive the nightmare. I wrote out every detail I knew, and was shocked at the raw terror that jumped off the page at me. This month tore me to shreds. I didn't sleep, (during midterms ... ouch.) I did my best to let myself feel. Admit to myself what exactly happened. I had been in denial of it for over a year. And I forgave. 


By November I was sleeping through the night again. 


When I returned home in December... It was healing. For the first time. 


Now, there is a new event in my life, that has been starting since February, and has... been escalating. 


I couldn't understand why this fear came back. Not as strong, but still there. It got me to a point where I was shoving some people away. 


Then 2 days ago I was faced with my choice. I had looked at the situation over and over again and told myself I have nothing to fear. But with was still there. 


I set my jaw and titled a letter. The most grueling, painful thing I will ever write in my life. 


3 hours, 4 pages. 


I'm going to try to give a word picture. 


Pain, regret, anger, bitterness, fear, hope, shattered, realization, admittance, anger again... pity. Peace... Joy... and life. 


Now, this may seem a little against the grain for forgiveness. But my problem was, I hadn't ever done anything but blame myself for this situation. I never let myself even think that it was possible that this other person was entirely to blame (that's not me being proud, that's me admitting the truth for the first time). Once I had done that... I let myself go through emotion.


Most Humans grieve the same way. In stages. These are mostly the stages. 


1. SHOCK & DENIAL, PAIN & GUILT- I had been in this one from August 08- September 09
2. ANGER- 
3. BARGAINING-
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS- October 09
5. ACCEPTANCE


Now the problem is... You notice I didn't write dates for 2&3. That's because I never let myself experience them. Here's what I now know. You can go n your own awkward way through each of the stages, but you have to let yourself feel all of them. 


I let myself feel those. That explains the negative. 


Now let me explain the surprising one. Pity. 


I have never thought about how this situation would effect the people around me, who hadn't been in this situation. My family suffered due to what I went through. My parents especially, partly because I didn't tell them until October. 


And I didn't think how the situation would effect my future, and how it would hurt other people. It will. I'm already hating telling people about it. 


And how much my "enemy" was hurt too. 


I had never thought of that. I had forgiven them, done what I could to pray for them... but never really cared how the situation effected them. 


Their future... will always be plagued by what happened. Mine will fade to scars, but their's never will. They will live in the prison of their own mind, their future relationships are ruined, because there will always be that nagging question on if they ever find out... or even family some day. They will know that this fear could plague their children. 


I thought about that for a long time. You never really think that the villain of the story might not be as evil as you had originally felt. 


Then I finished. 


The experience of being free of fear... it felt like I had this thick black smoke in my lungs, and someone emptied them all out. 


I won't ever forget that first breath. 


Every breath is sweeter then the last... every moment is I come alive again... the joy is present in my life like it had never been there before. Stronger... 


And you know what?


I'm going to change the world with it. 


Katydid out.