Odd Remembrance

So today I was hit with the... compusion, that the person I need to talk to the most in this world, the person I need right now... is the last person I ever want to see again. My ex-best friend.

I don't understand why relationships fall apart. This was my best friend, and suddenly, they ruined my trust, used me to make them look better and was also a liar, manipulator, slanderer... you get the idea. I don't trust them, I don't want to talk to them, I couldn't even carry a conversation over break, because I don't trust them anymore. For respect issues I will preserve gender.

Here is the problem. Part of me wants to. But I know I can't. So as a result, I tell them all this stuff in hopes that maybe we can have our old relationship back. Very stupid. They don't want it... and honestly, I have no reason to want it. It's very obvious that they haven't valued me as a person in a long time.

Over break I realized 2 things, 1. I am not upset with this person, and I forgive them. 2. I cannot have any relationship beyond an acquaintanceship with them. It would be better to not have any contact at all.

Now here is the thing, I have not made this clear. I don't think coming up to a person who will not admit that they were wrong, but still know it to the point where they no longer keep eye contact, and any serious conversation you ever want to have about this subject could not be a case, since they will not look at you from shame.

I was very spiteful about it too. I spend our entire 1 conversation talking about deception, and some things that I was dealing with at school that involved that at the time.

I'm very shamed to admit that I liked watching them squirm.

So where does that leave me?

Why do I feel this need to talk to this person who 1. Will not build me up 2. Doesn't really want anything to do with me, any more then I want something to do with them, 3. really doesn't fit in with any of my ideas of my future, and after college we will probably never see each other again?

Regret.

The problem is I have changed so much, and I watch them and don't see any change at all. What a stupid reason. I have heard stupid breakups with better stupid reasons then that. What I don't understand is how do we, as Christians, go on living our lives when we do things like this to each other? I've done it too, I'm no saint. Especially as girls. I mean, based on experience (I do have 18 years) Girls are catty, rude and backstabbing... and we wear our masks very proudly. When I worked with my youth group, I saw so many "chameleons" as I called them, you know the type. People who change colour so much that eventually they forget and are the wrong colour in the wrong place? Some people call them lightswitch friends (there is a difference though). Normally these subjects are girls. Girls are usually more into the chameleon category, while guys were mostly blatant light switches. But that is another story for another time.

Anyways, this is all I know. I know for a fact that everything happens with God for a reason. God works everything, even stupid things like this. Maybe someday things will make more sense.

Katydid out.