Beautiful Lumps of Coal 2

So I hope you've read my last post, if not, oh well.

I have been realizing that I have been holding on to a rather large lump of coal for a while now. I've broken off bits and pieces to give to God, but I still have this massive lump, this awful hurt inside. I was challenged to get rid of it Friday night. 

I didn't realize how much I wanted to until Friday night around 11.30 pm. I sat down by a river at this camp we were at a retreat for, and leaned against this post, and cried. I needed to let go. But for some reason I haven't done it. For about a year now I have carried this stupid black ugly thing around getting myself filthy, and even hurting people around me. 

My heart still aches. I could have been rid of it a long time ago. 

So I am sitting there, crying out to God about this friendship I have that is utterly failed. For some reason I felt like I needed to continue to talk to this person. My head screamed at me that it was stupid, and I shouldn't even look back. Cutting myself off completely was -is- the smartest choice. My heart said no, let them know that you are moving on and forgiving. 

God brought this song to my mind, it's by Rob Thomas and it's from the movie Meet the Robinsons. 

Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder, don't you know the hardest part is over...

I looked up at that point, and realized I was sitting, not against a post, but a rough wooden cross. 

Delicious Irony.  God loves it, I swear. I realized that I am just causing myself pain.

Then this song popped into my head. The line I started with last time. 

When coal is put under a lot of pressure, heat and is given time... it creates a diamond. I realized I had been chipping off little bits, giving them to God and being happy with tiny diamonds. God wanted to give me more, but I was happy with my dirty lump of coal. That's not what he wants for us. He was to hand us this massive Diamond and say "this is for you because I love you. This is what happens when you give me your burden. Beauty from pain."

As I realized that, I could almost feel him gently removing my fingers from my dirty lump of coal. I let it go. I don't want an ugly lump of coal anymore. I want something beautiful. I want God to take it and fix it up. Fix me up. Refine me...

Now comes the pressure and heat...and the waiting.  I'm not sure how long it will take, but I know God is just going to hand me back something more beautiful then what I gave him. It's a rags to riches kind of thing. I just have to be patient. I have to let God be in control. 

Here's the hard part. 

For some STUPID reason, I want the coal back. I know I am going to get something better. But God has it now. I am going to get something perfect and beautiful. And soon I will have a new lump of coal. I know that. I'm not stupid enough to think that I will only get one every so often. 

But, this time I know what to do with it. 

Katydid out.