Soup Lessons?

The deliciousness in the above picture is a french peasant stew. Though I can hardly imagine a bowl of soup teaching me about life, I was in for a surprise.

I made this stew with a few friends. It has red potatoes, chicken, peas, carrots, and the broth is a beef and gravy based lovely thick stew like broth that only actually takes an hour, versus the regular stew taking two or three hours. Something about eating with people always makes it more interesting.

The lesson I learned from this soup, is that every soup that involves a group of people making it, will turn out to be much different then if you had made it yourself. I often think that my greatest fault is that I utterly despise help in the kitchen... then I realize I have much bigger issues then that and I am being mellow-dramatic, and then I get disgusted with myself and stop.

As simple as it is, when you have different people helping with a dish, you all read the ingredients list differently. I read it as a kind of... Skeleton if you will for my own creations. It is the skeleton, and I fill in the muscles and the organs, and then it all works out in it's own little way.

But for others, the recipe's times may not be long enough, and some like their pasta the consistency of rubber (Lord only know why), or their potatoes basically mashed. While others, prefer eating pasta out of the box, and their potatoes like rather crunchy slimy slices the same experience as biting into a broccoli stem. Some hate spices, and others over do them.

It's quite different eating a bowl of soup made by another. Personally, I think all food should be made with Love, and I think that it honest-to-goodness tastes better when someone who loves cooking, makes your meal.

However, if one is showing off, there is sometimes almost a bitterness to cooking (almost like at a self glorifying tone. This is something I used to do, so I know how it tastes. I have tasted it in few others, but...  very very few.)

Food, like love, is changed by the ones involved in it. It doesn't matter what kind of food it is, it brings people together. Filet Mignon or French peasant stew all taste the same when share among friends, amidst laughter and enjoying one another's company. Much better then any other meal alone, could ever bring.

Katydid out. 

New Year? New Life?

So My New Project.

Since most of us make New Years Resolutions, I have finally decided on mine. I'm going to be writing about food. I've posted a couple times about it, and though I will still be writing about my random learning moments, I'm going to separate my blog into two parts. I'd like to start sharing recipes, and my goal is to make up twelve of my own recipes. One a Month. So right now I am going to be in the process of switching things around, and adding in a few differences. Hopefully I can still be working on my own projects.

Katydid out!

Three Steps Forward Two Steps Back...

There are very few things that are more frustrating then the act of being humbled.

I mean, here I am a senior in College (FINALLY) I have just pulled off my best academic semester I have had at Moody... I'm not heavily involved in any school groups because I don't like how my school puts some of them in the spotlight... I'm a Youth ministry major, I have a lot of friends, I have phenomenal housemates....

Yet... this semester has been the toughest semester I have ever had in my life. I have felt so drained. So exhausted. Even as I type I have just spent the last hour lying in my bed trying to rest, because I'm so emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally exhausted.

So a few days ago I decided that I should figure out why I'm exhausted. These are the options I came up with:

• I have written over 100 pages of homework this semester.
• Apart from having a 15 credit class load I have had to read a book a week for my Literature Class. and take 2-5 hour long tests. 
• My Boyfriend and I had a really tough semester, just being together and learning where we are with God. 
• My computer is completely broken and I have to borrow other people's computers. 
• My spiritual walk has been falling apart, because I have put school before God. 
• I haven't taken a Sabbath all semester.

Believe it or not, by the end of my list, I realize that it was the last two that are really the cause of my problem. I have been so upset that God hasn't been close... but I haven't taken any time to listen. The last time I was still and not sleeping, was this summer. I have not slowed down. I've always prided myself on being someone who is the person who takes the time to enjoy little things. I haven't been doing that at all. My life is just like a highway going by the car window, and God is slowing getting farther and farther away in the rearview mirror. 

I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. My whole semester I have been so horrible. Acting like I have known everything. Pretending that I am okay. Being so... arrogant. So proud. 

I spent my day yesterday realizing that I am worse then I make myself out to be. I have been seeing myself as something that I am not. 

This is not fun. My dear friend Zoe and I were talking about it last night (over a four hour skype conversation) and she said she has been learning the same thing. God is the one who knows what is best. NOT me (as much as I would like to think) NOT Zoe... just because we want the best for someone, doesn't mean we should assume that we are right. 

It's funny. Every time I feel I start getting closer to God, He reveals more and more of my character to me, and I find out that I really am changing. But I still have a long way to go. This is the explanation for my title. Right now it feels like where I am. But I think that I'm just in one of the low places. maybe soon it will be high again, but for now, I need to put God back into the center of my life, instead of myself.


hopefully I'll be posting more, but those are my thoughts for now.

Katydid out. 

Honestly?

So this is me on my soap box. I'm not trying to offend anyone but this is something that has been on my heart this entire semester. But, no one reads my ranting anyways, so hopefully this just goes into the "internet void" and I never hear anything about this subject again.

I was sitting in Chapel yesterday, and I was watching all the people sitting around me. Some were raising their hands, some were standing still, some were sitting, and some were leading worship. at first I rejoiced at the cooperate worship. Then a dark thought, that is always at the back of my mind came rearing it's ugly head.

How much of this is real? How many of us are really worshiping and how much is just an act? Are the people leading worship really into this or is it all just a show? are all the people raising their hands judging the ones that aren't and vice versa? Is the person who dances every song really meaning it? Is there anything beyond the surface?

I mean here I am worshiping, and I have this terrible feeling that there might be something much deeper here. and I want to say something, but I feel that I can't.

HOW MANY OF US FEEL LIKE I DO? THAT THIS WHOLE THING IS A FAKE?

Maybe it's only me, but I feel that more people are pretending that they are okay, and they are standing in chapel and their hearts are breaking. They are falling apart on the inside and putting up their masks. How many more have to pretend? Why can't we all be honest with each other? This IS a christian school for heavens sake....

Why can't we say when people ask us how we are say "honestly... i'm struggling..."

Why can't we be real?

Katydid out.

My life as a learning insect....

I just remembered i didn't give my word picture of Secondyear...

So for your enjoyment...

Fall 10-Spring 11

Fish, Challenging, beautiful, twists and turns, the meaning of hallelujah, Dares, freedom, escape, betrayal, safety, longing, prayer, Biscotti's, avoiding gossip, longing for Zoe, tough breaks, anonymity, pixar, superheroes, running, lost love, adventures,  first love, the true definition of beauty, grace, hope, Scripture, Romans, Paul,  Formal, long phone calls, skype, desiring to be honest, reality, desire, lust, forgiveness, patience, histories, "Oh My Dear", Schneider, Cultural Anthropology, Sunrise, Music, worship, children's voice's, desiring to leave, breaking out, turning down seemingly beneficial opportunities, Joy, Laughter, Inkdeath, Arianna, inspiration, exhaustion, Faith and Learning, struggling, even more popcorn, meteor showers, stargazing, fireworks, Gwen's advice of the day, new adventures, frustration, anger, peace, service, sorrow, Armstrong, life, death, discovering courage, the idea of encouragement, the power of forgiveness, the definition of worship, first dances, discovering God's jealousy, Rice, basements, slaying dragons, breadsticks, clue, bathrooms, parents, closets, mothers, fathers, family, first kisses, white flowers, water lilies, Screwtape, Narnia, Jack, Zoe, Ophelia, streams, rivers, breaking into parks, Manito, potatoes, Free-flow, Australia, Islam, CWC, the definition of a man, and the place of a woman, failing to find chinese, kettle cooked cheddar chips, gummy worms, scrabble cheese itz, Sisters, loving life, hating life, struggles with roommates, wanting more, fading away, finding candles, lighting the match, hoping for better, desiring someone, writing, hiding, hoping, trying to be real, being compared, being rejected, wanting love, quality time, physical touch, loving gifts, crazy mother, nutella, bread, food, soup, corn, fruit, failure, sermons, papers, Life of Christ, New Zealand, finding, commitment, stupidity, lack of knowledge, finding wolves, Space, perseverance, trials, simplicity, humility, idolatry's strengths, deceptions pull, everything had a purpose, People are crazy,  I love my boyfriend, God is my Father,  forever, no matter what, Christianity is not a popular choice, life is hard but good, God is not safe, but He is good. Forever.

I will never truly learn myself. I never expected to learn this much this year... and this is only what I can put down... there are even more lessons to be learned...

John 21.25 says: Now there are also many other things that Jesus did. Were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written.

I'm pretty sure this goes for the lessons he teaches as well.

I pray that he teaches even more songs in the days to come.

Katydid out. 

Speechless

Yesterday was one of those days that was completely mind-blowingly GOD-filled.

Oh my life... Ridiculous.

I just moved out of the house I had been living in for two years, this June, so a little over 2 months ago. This house has done so much for my Spiritual walk, it has been crazy. The people in it have been a true blessing to my life.

I really am just stumbling all over myself right now staring at this blog trying to figure out what to say that can tell you all how completely speechless I am about this whole mess. How I can even venture to explain what I have been learning... how He loves me so much.... and I feel so foolish, because I have always felt that words would not be able to fail me here on earth when describing myself. Now I have no idea how to deal with His grace is just blowing my mind out of proportions. Not even thought to be physically possible.

And I still feel like a fool.

there are so many songs that try to capture what I am attempting to proclaim and declare to you... and I am failing.

I did finally realize what I want to say.

I have learned that joy truly does overflow. It is contagious, it's ridiculous. It WILL never make ANY sense. Because God is bigger then we can ever imagine. 


 Life is good.

Katydid out. 

Genuine...

This is a little song I WAS writing and gave up on. Putting words to music and music to words are kinda difficult for me but that's another story. I gave up and just made it a prayer



Father help me to be Genuine in everything I do,
Help me to keep my eyes constantly fixed on you
Let my joy be full,
Let my love be real,
Just please oh, Lord, keep nearer still.

that's all I have to say for now.

Katydid out 

Dear Christianity...

Today is one of those days that I wish Christianity were not called Christianity. I am completely ashamed of the religion that has really take over the name of Christ. Just a bunch of rules and show, and it's completely frustrating. I hate how we have taken it and made it a completely laughable faith. We have neglected God, neglected the purpose, the reason, the leader, of our lives, and made him into a show. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a circus, a bunch of wanna be freaks.

We argue theology with each other, we argue points, we argue over worthless bits of doctrine that don't matter in salvation, and we set up all these rules and regulations and try to be our little perfect Christian bubble. We act perfect. We make ourselves seem like good Christians.

And then we leave our little church building and drag His name through the dirt, acting like no one else is watching. We fill our facebooks, our emails, our time with things that are not worth devoting our time too.

We fake pray because we feel like we have to. We make the Bible a textbook, a chore and lose the wonder of it...

Then there are the "rebels" The ones who make themselves different so that "non-Christians" can realize that Christianity isn't a bunch of rules... so we can act however we want, we can be a horrible example, allow people to continue living in our sin... and then judge the church folks. Because the "rebels" are more accepting then the "church people" except to "church people".

And then we call the rest of the world hard-hearted?

I'm not leaving myself out of this. I am one of those horrible hypocrites. I don't get everything right all the time, I've been this person. Recently, I was presented with my own faults. I have been attempting to find a happy medium between the two so I can show the world that TRUE Christianity is a minority. Just because someone says they stand for Jesus doesn't mean that they truly do.

Christians of the world... or even just the people reading this... whoever you are. WHY ARE WE ACTING SO FOOLISH?

To the rest of the world. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry we've made this wonderful truth seem like a complete joke. I'm sorry that we have shown you prime examples of how to not follow Christ. I'm sorry we haven't shown you that our God that we make a joke out of and constantly fail, is more amazing then you could ever imagine. I'm sorry we've stuffed it down your throats thinking of you as nothing but numbers in our Christianity points files, and not following up and teaching you how to love, and how Christ meant this to work. I'm sorry that we are so stupid and make you feel like the idiots, and that we just tell you the rules, and the doctrine and not the hope, and the purpose. I'm sorry that we have pushed you away, lead you astray and not shown you His love.

I wish I could fix it all. It breaks my heart that I can't. I don't even know how... but He still has a purpose. And that keeps me going.

Katydid out.

Bread Bread Bread and more Bread.

Today I baked my first loaf of bread ever.

It was a FOUR HOUR LONG PROCESS. Completely ridiculous. First you have to warm the liquid ingredients in a saucepan, on LOW, which is completely dumb. It takes a minimum of 15 minutes. While that is going, you combine the dry ingredients. when the wet stuff is finally done, you fight the sticky mass adding more flour until it actually looks somewhat edible. Playing with the sticky mass just made me feel like I was a child again, playing with Gak, or Play-dough. (Gak for those of you that have no idea what I am talking about is a mixture of liquid starch,  glue, and food colouring, it's a rubbery, smooth texture)

Then you knead it for half and hour by hand because my book said that it produces better bread then a dough hook. (Which I don't have anyways) Then you have to let it rise for an hour. When you are waiting for bread, this might as well be an eternity. Then when it's finally risen, you take it out, roll it into a frenzy put it into the pan(s) and wait ANOTHER hour. Finally you get to put on the glaze that makes it crusty, and then you put it in for... yep you guessed it another hour. I got a lot of cleaning and dishes done today. Until the bread came out of the oven that is.

Finally it was finished. It didn't look pretty but it was DELICIOUS.

All of my grousing aside, I had a ton of fun actually making it, even though it tested my patience. I have never had bread made like this before, and was pretty excited about it.

I was pretty satisfied with my results, as I hate white bread with a passion, and this was honestly the best white bread I have ever had. I'm really excited about eating it again tomorrow with/ for breakfast.

It's really interesting to me that this bread is actually healthier for you then store bought because it doesn't have preservatives that store bought bread has to keep it fresh for more then a week. So my bread doesn't keep forever, but it's a ton better for you then that kind of bread because... Well one, you actually know what the heck is in it. But it has no chemicals that "preserve" it and cause use a whole lot of trouble.

I also learned that egg yolks and water make bread crusty and how you know when bread is finished it sounds hollow when you tap it.

Results of my lessons? I got two (well, after my boyfriend was done with it 1.5) loaves of wonderful bread. Makes me happy. Even if it did take most of my day.

So ultimate life lesson of the day: Hard work DOES pay off. In the Kitchen it's a little more obvious and delicious though. ;)

Katydid out. 

Words to Speak?

Today has been a GOOD Day.

My Church had a baptism today. Three of the Youth group kids got baptized. Plus 1 other younger boy, and one of my co-leaders For Youth group, his mother, and one of my schoolmates.

I'm not going into my whole opinion of baptism, because my whole point of this blog is not to create controversy and to flaunt my opinion.

It was a beautiful thing for me to see. I haven't seen a baptism that large before, and it made my heart glad. Then my church made so much food it was crazy. We do mainly do three things at sunrise. 1. Pray 2. Get into scripture. 3. fellowship... through eating.

Seriously. I have never met a group of Christians who eats as much as we do. As a cook myself, I love making food for these people. It's such a fun way to serve, and to get new recipes. :)

Anyway, off the food. We all were at a lake, and it was wonderfully, deliciously cool water, on a gorgeous, clear blue sky-ed day. So wonderful. It makes you want to join in right?

Then I came home, and went about my normal sunday routine (Except I was so full from lunch I didn't make dinner.)  and I have been thinking about how I would describe how I feel about today.

It came to my attention that today was just... so full of... Jesus, that I can't even describe it.

I was sitting on my bed mulling over my thoughts, when this song came on:

Calloused and bruised
dazed and confused
My Spirit is left wanting something more
Than my selfish hopes
and my selfish dreams
I'm lying with my face down to the floor
I'm crying out for more (crying out for more)

Chorus:
Give me Words to speak
Don't let my Spirit sleep
Cause I can't think of anything worth saying
But I know that I owe You my life
So give me Words to speak
Don't let my Spirit sleep

Every night, every day
I find that I have nothing left to say
So I stand here in silence awaiting Your guidance
I'm wanting only Your voice to be heard
Let them be Your Words
Let them be Your words

(chorus)

I just don't understand this life that I've been living
I just don't understand (x2)
I just don't understand these lies I've been believing
I just don't understand (x2)

(chorus x2)

I know that I owe you my life
Owe my life
Owe my life
(x2)

Perfect. 

I really can't think about anything else to say. I don't understand. Jesus, please give me words to show the world how GOOD you really are. You are so indescribable... and sometimes that frustrates me. 

But I guess that's a good thing when you think about it. Maybe the reason I can't know God the full complete way I want to is because He WANTS us to be completely speechless. 

As usual, I've given myself more to think about then I thought. Hm. 

~Katydid out. 

Relationship lessons

Hello Again World! It's been a while...

Wow... another year of my schooling has drawn to a close and I for some reason looked at this blog. I planned on actually updating this thing more, but this year has been very busy.

Anyway, I would like to you bring you guys up to speed in my life. I have never talked on this specific topic before, so... here goes.

I've been dating the most incredible guy for the past nine months (as of June second). You'd think life would be easy? huh. Me too. But... Nope. Dating is HARD.

Most people would argue with that. Dating is the easy part of a relationship right? I mean, it's the romancing, the pursuing, the everything is beautiful and wonderful and perfect right? it's the easy part... or it should be... shouldn't it?

Our relationship started out pretty perfect... or so I thought, we were friends for 6 months before we even talked about dating, and then didn't date for another month, until after he called my parents, asked me, we never had the giddy in love "oh he/she is completely perfect" etc, stage. We are best friends. We had a realistic relationship. I met his parents, he met my parents... we didn't start kissing until after he met my parents (8 months in)... so we have a seemingly perfect foundation for a relationship right?

Here are some things that factor into our relationship that i didn't realize played as much into it as I thought at first. First of all. I'm 19 (almost 20). This is my first boyfriend, and I had no idea what it means to be in a relationship. I expect men to lead. He is 24 (as of April), he's dated other girls, and he had no idea what it was to be in a Godly relationship.

So how did this make our relationship hard?

Simple, we thought it would be easy.

Here are my ideas of dating/courting/whatever you call it- it is a time that is dedicated to seeing if you could actually marry this person that you are [insert relationship word here]. I've read tons of psychology books on the whole idea of the emotional, twitterpated "in love" stage, (one thing my boyfriend and I thankfully never went through) and how it is not supposed to be the foundation of the relationship, only the start.

There is a problem though, so many of us, in the christian world, think that dating and, horrifyingly, even marriage, should be easy. I mean, we think committing ourselves to another person is supposed to be easy from the get go right?

Well, as an answer, I'll give you bits of my story.

Almost 3 weeks into our relationship, I finally accepted the idea of dating. I was determined to be single until my senior year of high-school, and here at Moody, it's a crazy contagious disease when it comes to relationships, (some people tell me that using the word disease gives it a negative connotation, but I digress. I think it is very accurate.)  so I felt so much pressure when I was here to be in a relationship. Not from my boyfriend, or my family, but from my schoolmates. Plus, I think several people were pretty shocked when he and I actually started dating. Due to some... issues, I was very private about our friendship, and suddenly going "public" was kinda nerve wracking for me. To be honest, I was completely terrified. Here I was, going into this new adventure, my two best girlfriends in two other time zones, with my best friend... how mortifying.

For someone who likes to be left alone, it's not very fun to suddenly be in the "dating" spotlight. I have a fear of spotlights. I like public speaking, but I am not a fan of being the person people are watching, talking about... the girl everyone knows... I don't want to be that person, as a result I will hide my talents (which irritates my boyfriend) and do what I can to not be noticed.

So on top of that, add a time-sucking internship. This is what my boyfriend had until recently. For the first 8 months of our relationship, I basically spent a ton of time feeling like a support beam, and completely alone, because of my boyfriend putting about 40 hours of work in for an unpaid job. As a quality time person, having him be gone 40 hours a week was okay, but on top of that 16 hours of school, about that much time for homework, 30 hours of sleeping... and he loved the people involved with it, so dearly. they became a second family. I was in a sense, put on the back burner. Yes, we still saw each other almost every day, but because of his inability to speak my love language constantly, the few moments we had that he was focused and giving me time in his day were few and far between. As a result even the time we spent together didn't really mean much, since he was distracted, or we were doing homework, or something. Because of this, I felt like I didn't matter, and I was just sitting there waiting until he actually wanted to be with me.

I remember crying out to God, and just asking Him why I felt so alone. if anything I sought him more then I ever had before, because I was so sure I was doing something wrong. I couldn't figure out why my boyfriend was completely happy with our relationship and secure, and I felt just as alone with him as without and that I couldn't talk to him anymore, I watched as the stress from this job began slowly destroying his relationships with God, fellow students, his housemates, and myself, and he began changing, becoming much more distracted, irritable, and just... not himself.  I wondered what happened. Had I made a mistake? Was this my fault?

Then came more problems. People close to him just didn't approve of me. I had several people make comments to me about my boyfriends and my relationship that made me cry later when I was alone. Including from his second family and his direct family. And again I was weeping to God. Why? What had I done to deserve this? Did I make a mistake? Maybe I wasn't supposed to date this guy...? How could it be possible that through all this crap, that this is what God really wants?

I asked myself those questions for 8 long months. praying for an answer. for something. Was I doing the right thing committing to him? Was fulfilling my promise that the first guy I dated would be my husband actually the right thing to do? I slowly became more bitter, distant to him and less willing to do things with him, and spent a lot of time with other girls, building up a support system, just in case he broke up with me, something that I was convinced he was going to do. Even though he told me at least once a day that he loved me and he didn't want to break up with me.

Finally in April, I broke down. My family was staying in a hotel, and he and I were watching a movie with my sister, and he got irritated at me, and I went into the bathroom and just cried. I couldn't stop. my mom came in and talked with me for a bit and cried with me, then she left and he came in, and I told him I couldn't do this for the rest of my life. And for the next 4 and half hours we started the first of a long series of talks that would start healing. We began teaching him how to speak my love language.

My sister answered all of my questions for me. She said that "They must belong together, because Satan is trying so hard to tear them apart."

My sister is wiser then I am.

Since that night, I have had at least five or six similar breakdowns (most of them in May), but finally we have reached a sturdy ground again. We're actually leaving for Maryland tomorrow, and I'm not all there yet, but I'm more secure in our relationship then I have ever been.

So now that I am done with my story and I've probably lost some of you because this thing is so long, I come to the point of this post.

The main thing I got out of this is the importance of commitment.

The Bible talks about two people becoming one flesh (Genesis 2.23-25). and I've had conversations on what this means.

It means that two people are committed to each other for life, no matter what. It's like the vows say: "For better or worse, richer or poorer, Sickness and in health, till death do us part."

Since then my boyfriend has told this story to several people. One of our professors was impressed with the fact that I stayed through this entire process. Most women in my position would have left (whether married or not!) This is not a pride trip for myself. I was astounded that people actually were surprised.

Where is the commitment? Why are we wondering why there are no marriages surviving, when people aren't honoring their commitments. it breaks my heart that even in the Christian world, this idea of commitment surprises us. It is truly rare. And it should not be rare!

Relationships are hard. You have to work on them. And the more you work on your relationship with God, the easier it becomes to love even in the hard times. Through the past 9 months I have learned to Love, Honor and Cherish in worse, poorer and in sorrow, and pain. It's not easy. Not by a long shot. But it's worth it. Every second. Now that I am here, I can see that. I have such a beautiful relationship with God... and I can (and can't) wait for the next step in life with my boyfriend. Life is filled with hard lessons. But I think I was blessed in the fact that I learned this lesson so young. I hope you can learn from my new-found wisdom, and I pray that He draws you to Himself more.

He is my love my life, my light and my Salvation, my Lord and my God...
With him I will never grow weary and I will always press on...

~katydid out.

Dear World...

In the words of my best friend; "You Lose, I win."

Life Passing by...

So, I've been busy recently with several new adventures.

My Sophomore year of school. I'm now officially a Youth ministry Major, and I've made new friends, and new starts to old relationships and new beginnings to relationships that I really didn't see coming. One in particular.  This is the one I'm most excited and terrified by.

But that is another story for another time.

The purpose of this blog for today is to tell you all to SLOW DOWN.

Take a look around you.

You're surrounded by beauty and life... vibrant colour... there is beauty everywhere.

Even in a city, even in something or someone that seems to be ugly or lost or broken.

The reason why I state this?

9 Years ago was the attack on the World Trade Center.

How many of those people didn't say goodbye to their families? How many people not going to the tower that day regret not taking the time to have one last breakfast with their family, because they were rushing to get to work on time? How many people alive regret the fact that they really put work above their spouses...and then never saw them again.

And Asking all these questions may cause people to question if there is a God to allow all these broken families, all these moments that they could have missed, but their story has ended. yes it's tragic, yes there was devastation...

And nine years later, we can still do nothing about it.

Except for what we do with our Time. Our days are numbered. Our time is short...

What will you do with it?

Dear God...

So in the past 24 hours my faith has completely been so ridiculously blown away, everything I thought I believed in has pretty much come down to this simple fact.

When it comes to God, don't expect anything.

Maybe there is another facet to this that I'm missing, but right now I would say that this has been one thing that God has really been hammering into my brain for the past few month.

Have no expectations. Hope... but if hope turns into expectations then don't have hope.

I've been debating about what exactly comes down to the two, and yet again I'm looking to my dictionary:

Hope-hope |hōp|
noun
1 a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen
• a person or thing that may help or save someone
• grounds for believing that something good may happen
2 a feeling of trust.
verb [ intrans. ]
want something to happen or be the case
• [with infinitive ] intend if possible to do something


expectation |ˌekspekˈtā sh ən|
noun
a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future
• a belief that someone will or should achieve something

Just thinking about how ridiculous this actually is. You can't really have one without the other? What? My dictionary is wrong??? The world is coming to an end... or maybe they have part of it right.

How so? #2 under hope.

That's what God calls for us. if we have expectations then it's almost like we treat God like a puppet. We just have him do whatever we want (which is the farthest thing from the truth) and He gives to us abundantly.

So under what reality are we living? under what definition of hope????

Praying about Life...

I've been thinking lately about people.

And I've been wondering why God seems to let certain things happen to me.

I looked back on my post from the beginning of the year. Life seemed so simple. I thought I had everything figured out.

Turns out I had nothing figured out.
'
2010 has been the most heart-wrenching, trying, awful, wonderful, stupid, crazy journey of my life. And I've been wondering what comes next.

To be completely honest. I don't know.

But I'm waiting and ready to find out.

Reflections...

Over this Summer, one of the things I've learned is how important it is to continually move forward... And not look back. I've been given the chance to really see things for how they are, untainted and setting my own opinions of the person, the situation, etc etc etc. 


I've come to realize that everyone has a weak spot. In the past few months I've found that nothing I know is sure. Nothing on this planet will ever go the way I assume. The only thing that remains in the end is God. I've discovered that the truth behind love, and forgiveness is not as big of a gap as I originally thought. And finally, I've learned that life goes on. The past is still there. But the most important things in life come when you live in the moment and keep moving forward. 


Over a year ago, I was in N. Ireland. For what I'm pretty sure will be the last time. A little less then a year ago I stepped off a plane to the place I was determined not to fall in love with. This past fall I have undergone healing I never thought possible, and I have found the best friend I could ever ask for (and I have found that I don't deserve her, and she most certainly doesn't deserve me with all of my crap.), I've found that I can be passionate,  there is more to life then just trying to survive day by day... 


This year (2010) has brought me more challenges then I could have ever imagined. For the first time in my life, I began realizing the fact is, those people I saw as "Super Christians", people I had grown up, people I expected to change the world... began to fall apart. I began realizing that I wasn't the only one who had lived the "silver mask life" that I had. And they didn't want to escape. I began crying out to God daily, and wondering why we all do this to ourselves. Then I began to watch. 


Over my 7 months of watching I found my answer. 


Because our main weakness is something so close to our heart and it's something that we have to peel ourselves away. We convince ourselves that we can't let go, or that we aren't doing it and become blind to our own new "God". It can be something simple or something complex, it can be big or small... but if it takes the place of God for a moment longer then it should. we can falter. I won't list examples, because your own possibility is probably what rose to your mind and you dismissed as nothing. 


I found that overall, life is a battle for survival. But not to survive the way I was trying to survive. Not the way the world tells you to fight, not with fists and guns and bombs and whatever weapons we have nowadays. 


If you are ever told that following God is easy, hit the person in the face with a frying pan, then brain them until they have some sense. 


Seriously though, DO NOT BELIEVE IT. 


Following God is HARD.  <-- read it (repeat until you understand? Still don't???)

Mark 13:12-14 

¹²And brother will deliver brother over to death, and the father his child, and children will rise against parents and have them put to death. ¹³And you will be hated by all for my name’s sake. But the one who endures to the end will be saved.

John 15:18
 "If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you.


Romans 7:15
For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 


1 John 3:13
Do not be surprised, brothers, that the world hates you.


So in other words what we have to look forward too, is the world hates our guts if we actually follow God with everything we got, and even amazing Christians like Paul didn't do it all the time... 


So we all are aware of the second point... now the 1st point? How many of us want to be hated by the world??????


If you are saying me... congratulations, you have a rough life ahead of you, enjoy every second of it, because God is going to bless it at times and seem to be far away at others. 


Please excuse my sarcasm, I've been really snippy for the past few weeks and I have not been writing, which is always a dangerous combination. 


The problem is, most people don't want the world to hate them. They allow themselves to get sucked in, and if they don't want the world the hate them, they usually have some other distraction in the way. 


I've found that our problem is we allow ourselves so many distractions, so many excuses... so many issues... and then we have the audacity to ask God "WHY????" Then we have the arrogance to actually think that we are the only ones to ask that question!!!! 


I am completely disgusted with the human race right now, please exuse my rantings, I just decided my whole next paragraph probably wasn't the best idea...


So that was the answer to my question... 


As always, when I ask God a question I'm left with a whole bunch of new questions. 


I don't know how He knows everything, His answers make my head hurt... 


However, the real question is, what are we left with? if half of the world thinks they are following God and they aren't how can you ever be sure? if you can actually find someone that truly follows God with everything they can, they aren't consumed by their past, their obsession with growth, the hurt surrounding them and how they can't fix it, their independence, their job, their lives, their need to feel like they must be Spiritual all the time and don't take the time to truly learn.. 


How many are left? How many stand? How many are going to stand in front of God and hear "Well done, good and faithful servant."? 


My guess is and I hate this answer, is that it's smaller then we think. 


Do you realize what an Honor that is? Let me make you realize this IT'S A COMPLIMENT FROM GOD!!! HELLO?! THERE IS NOT A HUMAN ON THIS PLANET THAT EVEN DESERVES HEAVEN LET ALONE A COMPLEMENT WHERE HE CALLS US HIS SERVANTS.  (read again now repeat until this actually sinks into your tiny human brain) (again I apologize for my temper). 


I don't think everyone who enters Heaven gets this answer. I imagine my first moment with God will be me falling flat on my face and knowing that no matter what I did there is no way I could ever deserve that one moment where I first lay eyes on my glorious Master.


I have realized how significant that moment is. That moment will make all of this crap that goes on here in this world worth it. Just laying eyes on His glorious face for a moment... it's worth our entire lives... 


Why in the world do we crave compliments we don't deserve... when in all reality that very first moment is all we need? 


Katydid out. 

Dedicated to Human Idiocy.

It's 2 a.m in the morning and I'm going off on a vent.

I have this wonderful quote on my facebook wall by a man named Henry Miller. Just now I decided I wanted to know what he did. I seriously regret that now. I'm just completely disgusted with people that really do have a lot of wisdom and throw it out the window by wasting their lives. I don't care who you are, you can be as wise as you want, but your life can just be a lot of crap. And yes that is the best way to describe it. Solomon was wise... but he also was a complete idiot with the way he set himself up to fall away from God.

I just am completely disgusted. I mean, if you have some shred of intelligence, shouldn't you really use it? And every single human alive does stupid idiotic things. What makes me mad is when we CONDONE IT. My life, when people had affairs, did stupid things, and etc before... well just read Leviticus. It's a very cheery book about what God's opinion of how some of the sins we commit  should be treated.

I mean really world, what is this??? it's completely ridiculous. I'm going to stop for now, because it's late, and I could go on all night on this topic. I'll probably continue it later.

Katydid out.

Lessons and Lightning.

So in 3 weeks I will be back home. :)

So far this summer:
I've learned to appreciate cold weather.
I've learned trusting God is never easy.
I've seen the good bad and the ugly of a friendship gone sour
I've lived the fact that family is not just blood.
I've seen the reality of forgiveness, and the fact that because family is not limited to blood, forgiveness is always possible.
I've learned the wonder of a thunderstorm.

So off that last point, I just want to go off on it. My sisters are terrified of them. I don't remember ever being afraid, but I might have been... but not since I was 12. in the past 3 years they've been a way for me to think and pray. I sleep much more soundly with a storm.

I love this wonderful side of God's personality. NOw when you think of storms, most people think of the devastation they can leave. When I mentioned this to someone they said how can God, (who is loving and just) be seen in something so devastating?

But a storm isn't just that. In fact it isn't always that. A storm is... unpredictable, wild, racing, angry refreshing, renewing, healing, removing, eroding, filling, growing, powerful, intense, musical, systematic, logical, mathematic, poetic, beautiful, dangerous, an opportunity, you get the idea... it's... an oxymoron.

It's a wonderful thing. I stood on my driveway more then once this summer, just watching.

I like to think of it as God's "wild side" it seems crazy but I feel like he enjoys making Thunder and Lighting.

Katydid out.

My [second] Freshman year in a Nutshell.

So as we come upon the close of yet another sentence in the story of my life, I'm trying to describe this past year.

1 year ago I finished up my first year of college.

What has changed since then?

Life.

In 10 days I go back to my roots.

I'm terrified and excited at the same time. This has been... wow. This year has been crazy.

I'm going to attempt a word picture of these past two semesters.

New chances, choices, adventures, tears, cliff jumping, headaches, trials, temptations, baby steps, trying to cope, learning to stand up, getting a backbone, healing, anger, experience, Old testament, mistakes, corrections, surrender, the discovery of hatred for counseling, a found love of theology, a hunger for knowledge, the promise of the future, the idea and definition of Trust and Faith, McMath, New Testament, hysteria, Jack & Zoe, popcorn, fasting, worship, prayer, God, learning, loving my enemies, seeing people for who they are, dropping the plastic, learning who I am, watching real love, discovering my passions, new feelings, terror, the realization that I have both been not thinking enough of myself and too much at the same time, the realization of how small I really am,  the reality and power of Jesus Christ, raw despair, laughter, hope, Dr. Orr, learning to breathe, rooftop experiences, homework questions, puzzles, texting, chats, whipped cream, rest, peace, light, the reality of evil, God's love, grace and mercy, Schnieder, wind storms, gathering thunder, rain on skin, joy, talents, teaching, questions, printer issues, the definition of a geek, a tortured rabbit, lo mein, sinkholes, movies, leverage, reality, the power of eyes, the windows of the soul, learning how to cope, church history, Ophelia, late nights, sunrises and sunsets, not avoiding the eggshells, enjoying new friends, trying to say no, starry nights, memories, bitter and sweet goodbyes and hello's, learning to trust people again, the definition of a geek, realising sleep isn't for me, fish, conspiracy theories, silent haters, being ambushed, Kris White, how much I hate surprises, questions that don't need answering and spiritual gifts.
...just learning me.

Well... that's as close as I can get. I hope this gives you an idea.

~Katydid out.

TWITTERPATED!

Well what can I say? 


My friend and I tried to go through Disney's Animated Classics from the beginning. one of the movies is Bambi. 


For those of you that follow oldschool Disney you will know this movie very well. In the end-ish part of the movie there is a Scene about being "twitterpated"


Flower: [about two birds fluttering around] Well! What's the matter with them? 
Thumper: Why are they acting that way? 
Friend Owl: Why, don't you know? They're twitterpated. 
Flower, Bambi, Thumper: Twitterpated? 
Friend Owl: Yes. Nearly everybody gets twitterpated in the springtime. For example: You're walking along, minding your own business. You're looking neither to the left, nor to the right, when all of a sudden you run smack into a pretty face. Woo-woo! You begin to get weak in the knees. Your head's in a whirl. And then you feel light as a feather, and before you know it, you're walking on air. And then you know what? You're knocked for a loop, and you completely lose your head! 
Thumper: Gosh, that's awful.
 Flower: Gee whiz. 
Bambi: Terrible! 
Friend Owl: And that ain't all. It could happen to anyone, so you'd better be careful. [points at Bambi] It could happen to you…[points at Thumper]… or you, or even...[Flower looks at Owl shyly] Yes, it could even happen to you! 
Thumper: Well, it's not gonna happen to me. 
Bambi: Me neither. 
Flower: Me neither. 


Long story short... they all end up that way. It's actually rather humorous. 


That is my nonsense post. 


Katydid out.